Happy Birthday Grandpa!

Well first of all let me tell you how much i hate the fall, its when things start to die and gets dark early and i simply hate it--- but as November comes along i have both grandpas birthdays and my friend Nadine's too but the November 3rd birthday is one i have been think about this year, its my grandpa Rankin's birthday, sadly Grandpa Rankin was taken home to Heaven almost6 years ago. As his birthday approaches i am reminded of how some people handle death and how you either have tons of regrets for not involving that person more in your life and finding yourself asking if that person knew how much they meant to you. I personally know that my grandpa knew that i loved him. He and i spent many camping trips together, we shared broken hearts and he tried to make me laugh by calling all my boyfriends (even crushes) who hurt my feelings "peckerheads" and cried with me, he came to as many of extra curricular activites as he could. I loved that i was so involved with him! i have no regrets which makes me feel at peace with his passing away--

as i have pondered the whole "circle of life" i am reminded of a tribute that my boss at the Day Treatment wrote when his son was taken from him. Gary is one the best bosses that i have ever worked for and has taught me a lot! i am blessed that i got to know him and he truly put a lot of things into perspective... here is what he wrote to everyone who wrote on his sons guest book at the time of his passing:

"Death is the most feared experience in this existence. It is also the greatest gift we will receive. Some have talked about the two doors. Birth is the entrance door where we enter a body, necessary to be in this world. There is pain, separation and fear that we are all alone. you come from a place where you are whole with all that is and the most traumatic experience is when you open your eyes and see your self separate. The other door is when you shed the illusion of being separate. Shed yourself of all the dear and hurt and step into unconditional love. One the strange things about this life is that when a close one leaves those around us seem to shed these burdens of life as well. People forget the mundane focus of their life and give unconditionally of their love and mater things lose all meaning. For a short time loving each other is the only focus of our awareness. Maybe, when the door is opened for our loved one, some of what is on the other side spills through. I share the thing i feel as maybe and explanation of the overwhelming love, sacrifice and giving I have experienced from those around me as [name] left his world. He life not only his pain behind, but gave us am opportunity to examine why we do not, every day act as we did when he left us, We found ourselves saying "I love you" at the end of every conversation we had with our friends and loved ones. What is real is that we always, always, and forever have loved those around us. In this illusion of this short life we forgot this. "

WOW! right?!? seriously it is awesome how some people can deal with things differently. I challenge all of us to try to live life without regrets. May everyone be blessed with good events, but if by chance the Lord has something different for you know that people are there to help you cope and deal. I love how Gary puts things into an awesome perspective!

Thanks Grandpa R for being so wonderful and willing to do anything for us! We miss you but we know your spirit is with us after all you always told us that when you died you would come back as a german brown fish and Maximus caught a german brown the first time he went fishing the summer after you passed! your with us now grandpa safe sound and void of pain and suffering. Your with people who love you!

Thanks to everyone who reads and follows my blog- i hope you enjoy reading as much as i love blogging! more to come in the next few days!!!


I'm Gonna kill me a vampire

okay so ya i am a lemming but i started reading the twilight series i finished the first two in like 29 hours however the second has left me so emotionally drained that i seriously will kill the next vampire i see-- which could be bad seeing that halloween is just around the corner!

so i thought i would take a break and do this tag thingy-ma-bob-- so if you are reading this.. tag your it! just fill in your own answers.

1.Where is your cell phone?on my shelf
2.Where is your significant other? lost at sea
3.Your hair color? reddish brown with blonde streaks
4.Your mother? hilarious
5.Your father? confusing
6.Your favorite thing? sleeping
7.Your dream last night? damn vampires
8.Your dream/goal? own place
9.The room you're in? the bedroom
10.Your hobby? scrapbookin/crochet
11.Your fear? the boo box
12.Where do you want to be in 6 years? can i just live til tomorrow please?
13.Where were you last night? wal-mart
14.What you're not? pregnant
15.One of your wish list items? police scanner and the new season of csi
16.Where you grew up? the equality state GO POKES!
17.The last thing you did? cleaned my bathroom--- do i have any hair left on my head?
18.What are you wearing? what i usually wear to bed (those of you who know can go ahead and laugh
19.Your t.v.? heavy as heck
20.Your pet? scares the neighbors
21.Your computer? finally works thanks to my ingenious efforts
22.Your mood? disturbed
23.Missing someone? unfortunatley
24.Your car? finally runs
25.Something you're not wearing? a smile
26.Favorite store? walmart
27.Your summer? sucked
28.Love someone? love can go jump off a cliff
29.Favorite color? PINK
30.Last time you laughed? at my sisters patient who called her fat all day today-- gotta love old people...
31.Last time you cried? this morning-- couldn't tell you why.

Now all you go ahead and do this too i expect to see your answer on here very very very soon.


what disney princess are you?

You Are Jasmine!
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Independent and adventurous. You don't want much; just to break out of the guilded cage society has put you in and experience life to the fullest. Following orders isn't really one of your strong points, and you would rather live a life of poverty than being forced into something that you hate.

Which Disney Princess Are You?


Really? Honeslty?

So i am really extremely pissed off at this point. okay more hurt than anything...
here it goes....

At my work which by the way i love my job. i am actually obssessed with it. and i am damn good at what i do, but here is the thing-- there has been some not so good thing going down between two of our residents and they are investigating it and today we were told at our training meeting that job might be lost over this. that ticks me off. in my defense i haven't worked that unit for a while so that might just save my butt-- however it could-- don't get me wrong the human resources department has been very good to me and i would hope that i would have some kind of good repoir with them but holy piss on red hot ants!!! why should i be held accountable for that?!? rediculous. kids are sneaky and covert and are going to do crap like that regardless of what we do-- grrr...i know i ask for a lot of prayers but if you could please keep me in yours again until this is all over-- i am scared and don't know what to do, my career will be finished in the social work field and i am not to sure i am ready to let it all go. i am passionate about social work! grrr

on another note we had out first snowfall of the season this past weekend and while i was excited and shocked i got to do something new. At work we have kids of all ethnicities and one of the native american kids wanted to do the traditional first snow fall ritual. it was fun to be part of that. we said some prayer and jumped into the snow!!!yippee... i want to change my background to christmas because i like christmas but the only template they had was lame. get with the program people walmart has chritsmas decorations since july what seems to be the problem!?!? sheesh!

as elections come near i hope that God has some kind of hand in it like accidently making barack obamas car run of the road on some cliff and can't be found anytime til after the elections! as i understand that he is a well educated man, but for those of us who can't have children or rather shouldn't have children-- i am appalled that he is for abortions during the second trimester or leaving live babies in a sink to die because the mother doesn't want them!!! grrr.. anyways vote people!

I am on a quest again to lose weight-- i lose it but then it finds me again. I am almost three months soda free well with caffeine in it anyway i have rootbeer every so often but then i go for a while not having any! i am excited for the weight thing though i need to get back in shape incase i need to fo work as a correctional officer.

well i suppose i have done enough ranting and raving for the night! will update more as i go! you guys are the best! thanks!



just a thought..


So 'if' the US government determines that it is against the law for the words 'under God' to be on our money, then, So be it.

And 'if' that same government decides that the
'Ten Commandments' are not to be used in or on a government installation, then, so be it.

I say, 'so be it,' because I would like to be a law abiding US citizen.

I say, 'so be it,’; because I would like to think that smarter people than I are in positions to make good decisions.

I would like to think that those people have the American public's best interests at heart.


Since we can't pray to God, can't Trust in God and cannot post His Commandments in Government buildings, I don't believe the Government and its employees should participate in the Easter and Christmas celebrations which honor the God that our government is eliminating from many facets of American life.

I'd like my mail delivered on Christmas, Good Friday, Thanksgiving & Easter. After all, it's just another day.

I'd like the ' US Supreme Court to be in session on Christmas, Good Friday, Thanksgiving & Easter as well as Sundays.' After all, it's just another day.

I'd like the Senate and the House of Representatives to not have to worry about getting home for the 'Christmas Break.' After all it's just another day.

I'm thinking that a lot of my taxpayer dollars could be saved, if all government offices & services would work on Christmas, Good Friday & Easter. It shouldn't cost any overtime since those would be just like any other day of the week to a government that is trying to be 'politically correct.'

In fact....

I think that our government should work on Sundays (initially set aside for worshipping God...) because, after all, our government says that it should be just another day....

What do you all think????


depression? me?

this is kind of a good news bad news blog so i am not allowing comments cause really i am not sure if i want feedback or not-- i think i just needed someplace to vent and be heard but not anyone to fix things...

i went to the doctor on monday and he says that my iron levels are back on track and almost nmormal. he said that my levesl are 11.9 and normal for my age is supposed to be 12.1- then he said that it flucuates .2 either way so i am normal but he wants me to continue taking 975 mg of iron and 1500 mg of vitamin c a day... sick. and the funny thing is? i am taking all this vitamin c and still manage to catch a cold..medical phenomenon? i hate taken all this medince.

lately i have been really down and depressed. just thinking about how lonely i am.. really i don't have any one to say they love me everyday, no one to fight with, no one to cuddle with, no one to call me mom and bring me dead dandelions.. NOTHING.. and i am seriously thinking its me. Am i some stark raving bitch? am i bad girlfriend? am i that hideously ugly? ugh i hate this.... sorry to be so negative but that is how i am feeling. It cracks me up to hear people say to me "how can you have low self esteem?" or "why are sad today? you aren't supposed to be sad!"--- say what? who says i am not SUPPOSED to be anything. look people i am sad, i have a little social circle (she is fun to hang out with don't get me wrong but our schedules are almost completely opposite). I fell like a loser half of my life and the other half i hide it with my fabulous sense of humor... just let me feel whatever i want people! GOSH!!!!!!!



so this morning as you all well know marks the anniversary of 9/11.. crazy that i can remember exactly where i was and what i was doing. i remember the smells and my roommates all literally crying. President Bednar called all classes except religion ones be cancelled and we all were stunned. I had to call my mom and wish her a birthday and notice how i didn't say happy.

well i just want everyone who is sacraficing their lives either physically or emotionally to fight for me and the rest of the nation-- WAY TO GO!!!



so this week has been fun and interesting. i dyed my hair all brown again. i decided to do so since i needed some kind of change. i don't really think it was as a dramatic change as i wanted it to be. but hey i should try again in weeks to make it a little more red/brown. :) yahoo.

I am still taken lethal amounts of iron! i say lethal cause i swear its causing more problems then it is helping.. for example i have these random spells of passing out. its kinda cool real as long as i know i will wake up within about 30 seconds. its fun at work cause i tell the kids they are stressing me out and they are good for the rest of my shift...awww sweet success...
Again with work and their stupid uniforms they went around and asked what size we needed for our new prison issued polos... so being the smart "a" that i am i asked for a 5x in mens sizes! ahahah i think its funny-- maybe i am just immature like that.

So today i was looking at my moms weekly planner on the white board and i noticed that my sister (courtney) wrote on there that "sherman hearts leslie" my first initial reaction was to laugh but then i wanted to sit and cry. Sherman and i have been physically over since january but emotionally over for about 4 months which is fairly still recent in my mind. he moved to texas where he was doing installation crap.. he was up and down with me all summer and i played into all the wishy washiness for some stupid reason. i believed him that he said he had changed. well one day he called and told me about this new dog he had and how everyone thought he was stupid for getting it and all i said was "well you are a big boy and can make your own decisions" and he freaked out on me. and told me that i should never call him or text him. so i didn't but i myspace stalk him just to see what he is up to and apparently he is seeing a younger cuter girl than me who drinks and i am assuming everything else that he would have like me to do. any advice to why i ever thought of marrying him? ughh i don't know whether to get upset or just get mad.. a lot of hurt and confused feelings.

on a lighter note i get to back to third grade on thursday where i eat school lunch with my sister---woot woot! that day is also my mothers birthday 9/11 crappy i know. then on friday is my brothers senior home coming game!! which i am so excited for!
as you can tell i pay no attention to puncuation in my blogs cause this key board i am using is socially retarded... so its not my fault.

thanks for taking the time to read this! next i am going to post a singles add-- lol



i am okay

First of all thank you to all of you who kept me in your thoughts and prayers and the many of words of comfort and encouragement.

Second-- my white blood cells came out normal yesterday (thank goodness) that was quite a scare. My iron levels are still dangerously low--so low they barely register-- crazy huh. oh well so i have to take 325 mg of iron with 500 mg of vitamin C three times a day (so pretty much i am gonna get constipated and i hate that) i go back in next tuesday to see if that is working, if it isn't then i will get an infusion. so i am not out of the clear yet.

okay thats the update today--- maybe i will write more later who knows.


I vant to drink your blood

Okay so today has finally arrived-- i slept alright last night considering that i have this doctor appointment that scared the crap out of me! I am getting blood drawn at this hematologist. My friend has the same doctor and she assures me that he is nice, and i totally trust her but why the hell can't he have his own office does he really have to work at the Huntsman Cancer Clinic? Does that ease my anxiety any less? NO! oh well.. afterwards i am going to verizon wireless to get the new LG NV2. I get it for an excellent price-- yay! i like to shop and spend money that i don't have when i become upset!

I have applied for several jobs last night because i HATE the politics that are going on out at Copper Hills Youth Center. Seriously it bugs me bad. Its not only the uniforms its the way some team leads are the CEO and COO pets and they get away with anything. Its also some of the therapists baby their clients and then tell us MHA's that they are good kids and never act up with them-- of course they don't act up with their therapists, the therapists see them twice a week for an hour a piece and maybe for group therapy once a week for an hour. The mental health associates see them from 8 to 16 hours a day-- grr it pisses me off. Oh well life goes on.

I have started drinking gatorade g2 at least. Hopefully this time Doty's father won't yell at me for sipping gatorade-- G2 HAS LESS SUGARS WILLY!!! okay anyways i love it its very tastey-- although my favorite gas station to go to doesn't have it so i am going to have to go across the street to get it-- dang gas stations.

okay well i am off to go get ready--- yippeee--- thanks for everyones' support.


photo bucket game

okay so all you do is go to photobucket.com (don't sign in) and then use the first page to describe the following--- DO IT!!!

What's your first name?

What is your relationship status?

What is your favorite color?

Who is your celebrity crush?

What is your favorite movie?

Who is your favorite disney princess?

Name a beverage.

Where is your dream vacation?

What is your favorite dessert?

One word to describe yourself.

I was born in:

My eye color is:

Last book you read?



So i am about to throw a major hissy fit! the following may sound like i am complaining and not able to be a grown up but really it royally pisses me off--

So my place of employment is apparently going to start making us wear uniforms--- now its not too bad just a polo shirt but dammit homegirl don't look so good in polos and as if my self esteem isn't low enough!!! I HATE THAT WE HAVE TO BE PUNISHED BECAUSE THERE ARE SOME EMPLOYESS WHO CAN'T KEEP THEIR BOOBS WHERE THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE--------AHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHHAHAHAHAH. i am sooo mad!

I need to find a new job but i like what i do and it i live so close to work-- i am truly in a dilemma.

well i need to go for now i might blog a bit more later..


today is a new day

yes i know two blogs in one week--- what is the world coming to? well in all honesty ever since i have had the news that i might have some blood disorder i have sat and done absolutely nothing-- okay thats a lie i went to work and then went to Price, utah to the wave pool. the luck of my family this week has been awful...

Tuesday: my sister had her car broken in to and the stereo stolen. the same sister lost her job for a stupid reason and the HR people didn't have the nerve to tell her the real reason. Tuesday was the day of my doctors appointment.

Wed: my nephew has to go back to the hospital because he has a blood clot and is peeing blood (he is fine) i hear that i need to go see a hematologist and then an oncologist. the doctor calls me at work of all places so i am a basket case.

Thursday: nothing to drastic happened on thursday-- oh wait i lied my brothers car gets broken into (may i remind you that it has nothing to do with my sisters car cause we live in seperate neighborhoods) his brand new football jersey gets stolen...

Friday: i was at work all day and had 2 restraints-- it was nuts.

Sat: my brother and i wake up to go to wave pool and meet the rest of the fam who were already camping there--- and we find that his car and our garage has been egged (WTF?!?!?) our neighbor cleaned it up for us since we have to run-- nice lady! while on our way to the wave pool we see dad gets pulled over-- luckily no ticket just a warning--i lauged.

Sun: i wake up at seven thirty to get ready for church only to fine out that it was stake conference--- boy i was mad so i went home to go back to bed...

today is a new day-- hopefully will be good- i am going for retail and getting my nails done therapy-- yay.

my hematologist appointment is next monday and i am trying my hardest not to have a heart attack over it--- wish me luck.

i have gotten rid of 4 or 5 boys this week because they are all after one thing and i am irritated and annoyed...so i have narrowed down the boys to 2 instead of 7-- man abeing a player is hard work..

well that sums it up for now-- i might add more a little later today--

have fun and keep smiling



yadda yadda yadda

okay this is to those of you who point out to me daily that i haven't posted in over a month....

so last time i mentioned that life was coming at me fast and man did i ever put my foot in my mouth. July went i don't know where but i seriously don't think we had it this year cause its already AUGUST?!?!?!? STOP IT!

I tried out for American Idol-- had the time of my life i will have to post some pictures, oddly i didn't get any of me there which to some of you may come as surprise since i love taking pictures of myself! LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!!! I didn't make it to see simon paula and randy but i did get to sing part of a second song, waited in line for almost 11 hours (actually we were sitting in seats) to sing for a total of 45 seconds, but had the time of my life. we sat by the coolest bunch of people and laughed all day long. look for the cross dresser on the auditions it was funny hes an idiot.

My youngest sister was baptized on the 2nd of August. It was awesome to see her go and do that, it made me think of my baptism day and how much i need to ship shape it up--- she wore the same dress the chelsey (my other sister) and I wore when we were baptized, my mom made it for me so it goes to show that she is an awesome seamstress.

Max is starting his senior year and he is so excited. he has grown up so much and is pinned to be an all start athlete if he just isn't so dang lazy--- he is good and sometimes lets that get him by instead of showing how good he is.

My dad is now the global director of the drilling company he works for so more traveling- he worked hard for his job and i am proud of him, i just worry that he lets the money thing go to his head.

I survived camping. only because we stayed at a place with flush toilets and a shower (my kind of camping). It was neat we went and saw the place of the crandall canyon mine disaster and i of course cried like a baby. SAD TIMES! its only because i worked in a mine so its some kind of secret brother hood we all have. we also went to a wave pool in price, actually we are going back there this weekend but i will driving down on saturday and coming back saturday night because they are camping the weekend in a place with no shower!!! YUCK!!!

Okay on the not so fun stuff -- i had blood work done this past week and my doctor calls me while i am at work to inform me that my blood cell counts are all sorts of out of control and that my iron levels are still low so he is reccommending me to a hemotologist and an oncologist. JUST GREAT. so meanwhile i am supposed to pull it together to help out the kids i work with so they don't know that there is anything wrong, i am freaking out- trying not to think the worst or cry my eye balls out. but really i am okay with whatever happens because i know i can handle it.. although i did have a good talk with the man upstairs last night and informed him that he has my attention. :) i am scared, mad, upset, nervous, worried, and a lot of other emotions. Well today is a new day so i need to get to work... doctor just called have an appointment on the 25th of august!!!! oye wish me luck

i will blog more often(yeah right)



July? time needs to stop and let me catch up

in the last few weeks i have had soooo much to do that i seriously don't know how i got through them with alcohol or drugs! :)

I have applied for a few jobs with in my company and have had some interviews and they both fell through, am i upset? no! just disappointed. oh well life goes on. i like the job that i have, okay that is an understatement. i am obsessed and borderline in love with my job.

my parents went out of town for the fourth of july and i was here to man down the house by myself. an easy task you say!?! HAHAHAHAHAHHA NOT! this place is the Buckingham palace of west jordan! its massive! and to keep it clean by oneself is an endless task, so once it was clean i didn't do anything, i didn't eat or even get out a cup of water. it was crazy! they are coming home soon and i can't wait cause i am starving :) other then that i worked the whole week. yesterday was an interesting day at work, just the last little part of it. This guy that we have been talking off and on was texting me and made me feel really stupid-- well my co worker and friend was all sorts of upset because we spend a lot of time talking and he pointed out some good things to me. so needless to say he told me to tell this boy off. well later that night i was out with jenny and we were eating dinner when this boy texted me, well i thought about what "S" said to me and i told jenny about it. she agreed that i needed to tell him off, so i did. i was so scared, i didn't want him to hate me but then i realized that he only treats me like crap and that i deserved better than that, so for the second time in my life i stuck for myself. i was proud of myself and after that enjoyed the night, except when the cute waiter came over and offered me to taste their lamb! SICK!!! i hated it, i wanted to puke!

today is my sisters 8th birthday! yay! i am so excited for her! i can hardly wait! why am i excited for her, cause for the second year in a row i bought her the coolest gift. last year it was an Mp3 player and this year i got her a digital camera! i want her to open it.

Next week i am going camping! i don't really like camping but i know my mom wants me to go help out since she is taking th kids and grandma! oh dear! besides it beats staying here and cleaning the palace!

that about sums things up here. i am still losing weight, slowly now, but need to give up soda! hahah right thats a joke!

oh yeah and jenny is making me try out for american idol. (july 29) so look for me on the worst tryouts of season 8. :)

i am off.

talk soon.



Another Year?

Really? really, tis my birthday sometime this month and let me tell you i am not happy that it is coming around! i don't want to be an official menace to society. whoever said that should have thought about people's feelings. SERIOUSLY!?!

you know being single doesn't really bother me as much as everyone else constantly reminding me that i am single, its like i don't wake up ever day and say oh my gosh i am 26 and single! what happened? no i am painfully aware of this every waking moment of my life. Now don't get me wrong there are tons of parts of my life that i absolutely enjoy, i don't have to answer to anyone, i get to come and go as i please, no kids (unless you count the little monsters i deal with at work). but i like the thought of having someone to cuddle up to and go places with, but now a days it seems like it comes at a cost that i am just not willing to pay... anymore. you know there was a time not too long ago that yes i made some mistakes, mistakes that were huge but i can't take them back, but really every guy that i talk to or go out with is only after one thing and let me tell you what it pisses me off faster than anything ever has before. so please if you are a guy who is single refer to one of my earlier posts this year and pull your heads out because there are good girls out there you just have to be patient and supportive of who she is and not only see her for your egotistical needs to be met.

i have started to lost weight, but not sure its the most healthy way of doing so--- no i don't have an eating disorder, but taking some pills and not eating unless i am hungry. doesn't sound all that dangerous but with this pill i am NEVER hungry. oh well popcorn and water isn't all that bad right?

oh yeah on a lighter note about the old b-day, my family, like most other families, have a tradition of going to out to eat at whatever restaraunt the bday person chooses, so for my 26th brithday i have decided to go to a sophisticated place, one of the most elegant places around, full of lights and entertainment... yup you guess it Chuck E. Cheese! :) i know i am a nerd huh

so there is a situation at work about some stupid co worker who said some derogatory things towards me and the kids i work with ( i happen to work with the juvenile male sex offender group) and believe i am the only that is allowed to make fun of them, but i don't make fun of them they way this person did. I love the kids i work with and won't stand to hear other staff put them down for the crimes they committed. so naturally i let the authorities take care of it and as far as upper management and human resources i couldn't be more happy but its the smaller authorities that gets me upset--- grr i wish i could give details but i can't. just know that i am very very very upset at the politics at work and somedays think i would be better off if i found another job. the boys i work with have enough problems but they don't need that from staff.

i will write more later i have a meeting to go to soon.... i am fine no need to feel bad.



and number 10 is....

10. I am a game show FREAK!!! i love the gameshow network! No whammies No whammies! oh man just talking about it makes me happy.

So a TON of things have happened since the last time i really blogged, not yesterday. A great friend of mine and I went our seprate ways, but you know we hung out on saturday and it was just like old times. I love that girl! Its amazing that we can not hang out for so long and then viola, its like nothing ever changed.

I love working at the residential facility. As i predicted it didn't take too long before i was promoted to shift lead status. I love the kids that i work with, they are a lot of work and keep very very busy but man it has taught me sooo much, like patience and how to avoid drama.

I have gotten some teeth stuff taken care of and can't help but smile all the time... :) it was scary but i am glad that i did it!

As far as the boy situation, i am officially declaring single as of midnight tonight. before i would have said, waiting for him to figure out how awesome i am, but he is done trying to figure that out. i am not sure what else to say about that whole situation.... if you know of anyone send them my way... hahahaha

So, now i am back at this whole "dating" thing. I am an outcast, i am quickly approaching my 26th birthday and man i am so depressed, 90% of my friends are married and have two or three kids... excuse me did someone not tell me the train was leaving. something has changed with in myself. I used to be the hit of the show, have a no care attitude about what people thought of me and now my parents have to almost literally drag me out of my room, i literally have enormous panic attacks to even think that i would be going out into public and not to mention knowng that people were going to stare at me! what is heck is up with that?!?!? i have never been like that. it is scaring me to death. Any suggestions?

i am starting again an excercise program, my trainer abadoned me over a year ago to go play for the farm leagues. i am still bitter about that jason! seriously i was beginning to like working out.. but NO i have to do it on my own! so anyways, today is day two, i have cut my portions in half and have started sit ups and other work outs. The only problem i have is sometimes i feel so discouraged because i have so much to lose, HELP!! any suggestions?

Well i suppose that will wrap this up. talk to you soon!

p.s. i have anxiety for my friend jen and for american idol results!!! AHHHHHH



Ten Tags

So Jenny tagged me...i guess i am supposed to reveal 10 things that are semi secret, hope this doesn't come to bite me in the bum!

here it goes,

1. I am addicted to my reflection-- how does that work you ask? well, i can't walk past a mirror without stopping to stare at myself. and it isn't just a stare, i pose different faces, and even wave at my reflection, perhaps this is a weird psychological cry for help! p.s there WAS a spot in my parents where i can see my reflection in 5 different spots perhaps thats why they got rid of the glass table.

2. I eat in layers- i can't eat a subway sandwich like a sandwich i eat the top bread followed fixins' and so forth, same with burritos, and most of the food i eat.

3. When trying new food, i smell it and quickly lick it, just ask jenny i hate trying new food and so if it smells funny and tastes funny at the first lick--NO WAY.

4. I sleep upside down- yes that is right, my head is where my feet should be and my feet are where my head should be, its the only way i found i can sleep without waking up with a headache. (am i crazy)

5. I order the same thing-- no matter how many times i may go to a place i stare at the menu for a million years and i almost ALWAYS get the same thing.

6. i like my dear friend doty, have to do things in order. The shower, i always do things in order, first i stand there in the water for about 5 minutes, then i soap up, shave, rinse, shampoo, and conditioner in the order, if i mess up, i start over--- ahhh!

7. I am obsessed with CSI: Las Vegas. I own all the seasons. (thanks doty) and have watched all of them over and over and over. LOVE IT

8. I can carry entire conversations using nothing but movie quotes! Amazing i know. but its true.

9. I have feelings too- i know its a weird thing to say but lately the male gender fails to realize this.. so if you are reading this---- I stick my tongue out at you.

10. hmmmm i dunno--- feel free to comment here-

Well now that that is over with, i leave you to do the same!

i will write more eventually i promise not to go another 4 months or so without blogging.


so this week has been absolutely crazy, not necessarily a bad week, but a crazy one.

My job is down sizing to save money on the corporate end and quite frankly its stupid how that all works, i mean honestly i poor my heart and soul into my job sometimes working ridiculous hours, and i know that others work just as hard if not harder at their own jobs, but man its taking its toll... so yeah i have to make the transition from my day treatment to a residential facility, which i don't believe as much in their program as i do the day treatment. i am scared shitless because i won't be the head staff anymore. Now granted it never takes me too long to get in some kind of management position (i know it sounds cocky, but its totally true!) the nice thing about it is that it is only about 6 minutes from my house again, gotta look at the bright side right.

So i am having some surgical work done---yay for me, hopefully it will eliminate and reverse some of the stupid choices that i made in the past. but i am scared about that too, anytime i have to have an i v, yeah scared!!!

my best friend and i haven't talked the last couple days (well mostly because i haven't had my phone) but it hurts. most of it hurts because i feel like i have lost her over boys--- and we have been through this a thousand times. i can't say much more because there is just something about emails, texts, blogs, blah blah blah that makes people think that you are yelling or bitching or something when really you are just talking. i won't go back to him by the way----

my parents are struggling at their own marriage and that makes things tough too watch. they have been married for 27 years and it seems like with each passing year they grow farther and farther apart, they have been through a lot together-- and my dad doesn't know i know half stuff that i do, but my biggest fear is that they won't be together much longer, my dad is always looking to better his income, his job, his status and its almost like he doesn't care if it doesn't better the family that its making us all crazy that he does it, and then there is my mom, love her to death but she needs to stick up for herself.

crazy crazy crazy,

they just got home from a wrestling meet so i will write more later....




Have you ever just wondered why the hell you even try? no seriously, everyone and their dog tells you to do things that make you happy, but seriously that is not really what they mean. What it really means is you better make all the right choices or else there are going to be a thousand people that will hate your guts if you make the wrong decisions. How dare someone say "do what makes you happy" thats a chicken shit way of saying "HAHAHAHAHAHAH YOU ARE STUPID!!!!" anyways....

if you want to make deals, then keep your end of the bargin... it just doesn't make sense to me that someone would yell and scream at your for something you did but they can go out and do something just as equally if not more stupid than the decision you made, grrr....

my phone got turned off today and i can't say that i am sad or mad about it, perhaps it will give me a break from the drama of the world... seriously people... i am tired of being told i am a liar, stupid decision maker, drama queen--- yeah i have a lot going on in the next few weeks, but dammit i am entitled to be a little STRESSEDD!!!!!!!!!


so my previous post was written when i was pissed!!! do i regret saying the things i did? no, however my heart is broken because the same things happens over and over again. I need to go to "communicate with people better school" I am the type of person that thinks that if i don't say "HEY YOU F'ING MORON!!! I HATE YOU LEAVE ME ALONE" then i automatically assume that everyone knows that things are okay. oh well i suppose sometimes i will learn but i still stand by my letter to the men in the world!!!



i am being punished...

and quite frankly i am pissed off about it....

so i recently i just back together with an ex, i really tried hard to be a better girlfriend this time around. i went against the odds of my family and friends telling me not to get back with him. Everything was fine, we spent the new year together. i went there just yesterday and i thought everything was grand, BOY WAS I STUPID AND NAIVE. On our way out to grab something to eat i started to go numb in my legs, and it started to freak him out, (its a normal thing for me so i don't think its a big deal) but he said it freaked him out, we went upstairs to leave and he dropped the line "can i be honest with you" and i panicked, i expected to hear something like i cheated on you and you are dumb enough to feed into the whole thing. however, he stated that we moved back into the relationship thingy way too fast and he felt that he wasn't good enough for me because i worked hard to be where i am. meaning because i have a degree and a job and am financially sound (bunch a bull shit) so i left. totally distraught and feeling like it was something i had done wrong. He assured me that it wasn't me but it was him feeling that he was dragging me down.
i went to work today and could do nothing but think of everything and how stupid it all was, i wanted answers dammit, i at least deserved that, soooo naturally on my way home from work i call him and ask him what happened or what i did wrong this time. He said that he wanted to be the one to be on top and be the contributing factor to all the finances and yadda yadda yadda. I then let him have it, and my side of the conversation was as follows "I am being punished because i am older!!! had i met you two years ago, i wouldn't have had my degree and everything would have been different, i know that for a fact! its your insecurities that keep "us" from happening becauase you like most guys want some stupid ditzy blonde wife that sits on your arm, waves to people, and bares children, instead of someone who is intelligent and willing to make something of herself. You are right, i have worked hard to be where i am and i still struggle, i live in a room in my parents house for hells sake, so yes i am smart and i am intelligent and i am pretty, and i deserve someone who isn't insecure and can be man enough to let ME be smart and funny."
so tell me was i wrong in saying all that? my mom told me last night that i shouldn't tell people i have a degree because it intimidates people and i had to hold my tongue to not say "why the hell should i be ashamed of who i am?" its not like i go around shoving the fact that i have a degree in everyones face, (i am not like my relatives significant others) if they ask, yes i am proud to tell them, but however i guess i am supposed to say "nope, no degree, no education, no mind of my own, as a matter of fact i will only do what you ask, please insert a quarter in my ass so that i can function properly and stroke your ego and make you feel like the man!"
oooooh i am so mad,
to whom it may concern meaning all the guys in the world:

When you have the balls to tell yourself that it is okay for a woman to be smart and funny and fairly attractive instead of stupid and drop dead gorgeous, then you can talk to me, otherwise leave your insecurities far far away from me. I am done trying to change the person i am, i want to be able to help my children with their homework and not have to wait for the big bad man to come home and rescue a damsel in distress, i will never make you feel in adequate, i will let you open the door and i won't outshine you in front of your boss, i won't tell your family that i can kick you butt at jeopardy, and i won't tell your co workers that i got my degree before you, but seriously, get a life and accept me for the smart, damn straight up funny, and attractive girl.!!!!!

Thank you,


2008? ugh!!

Well cyberland!! happy new year, although not quite sure i want to face 2008. As the clock struck twelve that night, i was happy, surrounded by people that love me, but i couldn't help but think of the year i left behind and the year to come... quite frankly it makes me sad.... i turned 25 last summer when i had to move home, i loved living on my own, it was fun and free, but couldn't pay ALL ten billion bills between my roommate and i we had a bazillion dollars in doctor visits... sucks to be sick. i switched to a new job last January, and moved quickly to lead supervisor and had to be in charge of the show, (don't get me wrong i love to be in charge), however lost most of my staff due to their own stupid assess. i have had many relationships this past year and have made some bold yet non regrettable moves, i have dated old guys and some young Jewish ones. i have paid off some bills and started new ones, i have over come some fears but gained a whole new set.... do i look forward to this coming year? NO i am a nervous basket case who is emotionally unstable and can snap any time, so those of who read this and know me, i don't mean to bite your heads off, but seriously i have toooooooo much on my plate most of the time. i am tired but will write more later... i like this blogging...