depression? me?

this is kind of a good news bad news blog so i am not allowing comments cause really i am not sure if i want feedback or not-- i think i just needed someplace to vent and be heard but not anyone to fix things...

i went to the doctor on monday and he says that my iron levels are back on track and almost nmormal. he said that my levesl are 11.9 and normal for my age is supposed to be 12.1- then he said that it flucuates .2 either way so i am normal but he wants me to continue taking 975 mg of iron and 1500 mg of vitamin c a day... sick. and the funny thing is? i am taking all this vitamin c and still manage to catch a cold..medical phenomenon? i hate taken all this medince.

lately i have been really down and depressed. just thinking about how lonely i am.. really i don't have any one to say they love me everyday, no one to fight with, no one to cuddle with, no one to call me mom and bring me dead dandelions.. NOTHING.. and i am seriously thinking its me. Am i some stark raving bitch? am i bad girlfriend? am i that hideously ugly? ugh i hate this.... sorry to be so negative but that is how i am feeling. It cracks me up to hear people say to me "how can you have low self esteem?" or "why are sad today? you aren't supposed to be sad!"--- say what? who says i am not SUPPOSED to be anything. look people i am sad, i have a little social circle (she is fun to hang out with don't get me wrong but our schedules are almost completely opposite). I fell like a loser half of my life and the other half i hide it with my fabulous sense of humor... just let me feel whatever i want people! GOSH!!!!!!!



so this morning as you all well know marks the anniversary of 9/11.. crazy that i can remember exactly where i was and what i was doing. i remember the smells and my roommates all literally crying. President Bednar called all classes except religion ones be cancelled and we all were stunned. I had to call my mom and wish her a birthday and notice how i didn't say happy.

well i just want everyone who is sacraficing their lives either physically or emotionally to fight for me and the rest of the nation-- WAY TO GO!!!



so this week has been fun and interesting. i dyed my hair all brown again. i decided to do so since i needed some kind of change. i don't really think it was as a dramatic change as i wanted it to be. but hey i should try again in weeks to make it a little more red/brown. :) yahoo.

I am still taken lethal amounts of iron! i say lethal cause i swear its causing more problems then it is helping.. for example i have these random spells of passing out. its kinda cool real as long as i know i will wake up within about 30 seconds. its fun at work cause i tell the kids they are stressing me out and they are good for the rest of my shift...awww sweet success...
Again with work and their stupid uniforms they went around and asked what size we needed for our new prison issued polos... so being the smart "a" that i am i asked for a 5x in mens sizes! ahahah i think its funny-- maybe i am just immature like that.

So today i was looking at my moms weekly planner on the white board and i noticed that my sister (courtney) wrote on there that "sherman hearts leslie" my first initial reaction was to laugh but then i wanted to sit and cry. Sherman and i have been physically over since january but emotionally over for about 4 months which is fairly still recent in my mind. he moved to texas where he was doing installation crap.. he was up and down with me all summer and i played into all the wishy washiness for some stupid reason. i believed him that he said he had changed. well one day he called and told me about this new dog he had and how everyone thought he was stupid for getting it and all i said was "well you are a big boy and can make your own decisions" and he freaked out on me. and told me that i should never call him or text him. so i didn't but i myspace stalk him just to see what he is up to and apparently he is seeing a younger cuter girl than me who drinks and i am assuming everything else that he would have like me to do. any advice to why i ever thought of marrying him? ughh i don't know whether to get upset or just get mad.. a lot of hurt and confused feelings.

on a lighter note i get to back to third grade on thursday where i eat school lunch with my sister---woot woot! that day is also my mothers birthday 9/11 crappy i know. then on friday is my brothers senior home coming game!! which i am so excited for!
as you can tell i pay no attention to puncuation in my blogs cause this key board i am using is socially retarded... so its not my fault.

thanks for taking the time to read this! next i am going to post a singles add-- lol