Living with anxiety vs dying from a social disease

I don't even know where to start--- every blog always starts out with "i am sorry i haven't written but wow its been crazy"
 yes it has been crazy too crazy to fill you all in so you will just have to take my word for it.

Now on the title of my blog. I thought it was quiet fitting. Some of you know that i was diagnosed with agoraphobia. Its nothing more than a label, its not physically ailing or antying to that sort. (i know people who have far worse problems than i do, but this is my blog i can say what i want!!)

One thing that i have really wanted to do is to get over having anxiety. Medications do help to a point but a lot of it has to do with reversing the psychological damage i did to myself. I'd kill for the chance to go back to my college days where i was popular and had things to do and wasn't afraid of big crowds or felt the need to cry every time someone looked at me... but the reality is i can't do that.

A few weeks ago some co-workers invited me to hang out with them late friday night. I have avoided getting together with them solely because of my anxiety. I have gone to go twice to the gathering but chickened out and went home instead. I sat in the parking lot this time and cried and cried and cried cause i couldn't get out of the car. i was a mess. i saw someone i knew and decided walking in with him would put less attention on me and i could just squeeze in and no one would notice... it worked for a while until people realized that i was there and then they started talking to me. I could feel my blood pressure rise and my need to climb under a rock superceded my need to be socialable. Part of the reasn i was panicky was because at work i am a different person. I am confindent, strong, and dependent on noone but myself. I can make rapid decisions in tough situations. I can calm storms that others cower in fear from. This is not the case when it comes to being out in a crowd. I survived the night but found myself avoiding the people that were there while we were at work so that i didn't have to remember that i was actually out of my apartment.

This isn't the only time that something like this has happened,but it has led me to this conclusion: I was dying from a social disease. So know i have to switch-a-roo things around and start living with anxiety. I am just going to have to get over the fact that people will see me cry.. and they will see me cry a lot, thats just what i do, its how i cope, i cry when i am sad, cry when i am mad, cry when i am overwhelmed, cry when i am tired. So thats it, i cry. Deal with it. I have been faced with many anxiety filled events over the last 5 months including the dreaded booth test and restaraunts. I have a friend that we see eachother often but he always insist on sitting in a booth, the first time it happend i almost left, well at least i wanted to but it turns out that i froze. I couldn't move, literally was frozen, i scanned the area for the nearest escape route, but he had already spotted me and told me to come sit down. He knew i was in a state of panic and helped me get over that. Thanks goodness, now i think he does it on purpose. 

*random thought* I have met some awesome people through work and am so looking forward to continuin our friendship and helping eachother out.

I like having my own apartment, I started out living with my sister, but she got super sick and had to move home. also we just weren't getting a long and so it was better she move home. Now i have a roommate which is fun. We don't see much of eachother. For the first little while i was excited to come to my parents house because i was comfortable there, i didn't have to be as responsible for things, now i still enjoy coming over but i like having space to call my own. again i am sure this added to my anxiety problems.

I picked up a second job as a substitute teacher- let me tell ya thats an adventure all to good for someone with anxiety but i have done well so far.

well i am sure you are bored to tears, i am writing regularly in a journal so now i will just bring that with me and update my blog.

thanks for reading

I have not abandoned you all... since soo many of you read it... lol... but i will post again very soon. i have a whole weekend off...

The end of the world

Well with all the craze of the end of the world being tomorrow i thought i would blog one last time---HAHAHAHA funny... people who believe that are lame! sorry to offend anyone...

Okay on a serious note that is semi related to that. I have been thinking of things a lot lately mostly have i done everything i wanted to before the world did end? well the answer is no... I have made mistakes and have paid my dues for them. I am in  a happy place now letting go of some sins and mistakes finally being able to forgive myself. I have gone to college and got a degree. I have watched the complete circle of life from start to finsish. I have done some amazing things... however the one thing that i havent done is tell the one person i truly loved that i love him. I won't go into many details so please don't ask. I don't want him to know that i still love him... it would be weird... but i have known him since i was little like elementary school and he doesn't read my blog but still no details.

What made me think of this? well honestly American Idol did. Lauren sang the Martina Mcbride song "anyway" and it brought many of my feelings and emotions to the surface! Here are the lyrics:

You can spend your whole life buildin'
Something from nothin'
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway

You can chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

God is great
But sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway

This world's gone crazy
It's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway

You can love someone with all your heart
For all the right reasons
In a moment they can choose to walk away
Love 'em anyway
God is great
But sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
Yeah - I do it anyway

You can pour your soul out singing
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yea, sing it anyway
Yeah, yeah!

I sing
I dream
I love
anyway

I've printed in green the one section this blog is talking about. I am sure i will write blogs about others. But yes I loved him with every piece of my heart. and i watched them walk away. I have been carrying this for almost 15 years. I truly believe nothing would have come of it if he did know. He has a wife and kids and military career. And if we talk we still say love ya bro and love ya sis. but i know that  my heart gave more.

I just now realized that i  was holding on to that... never letting go and playing the what if game or the shoulda coulda woulda... but the truth is i need to let go. need to allow others to be loved too...

awww american idol...

Refreshing to let things go.. i have been cleaning house of my emotions and breaking down my wall...


I sing
I dream
I love
anyway

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE BEST THING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME

Three years ago today my sister had my nephew and my whole life changed forever. He brings me such joy and happiness. I didn't know i can love a nephew so much.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY BOY

Sneak Peak coming soon

yes folks i am just about done with my introduction to my book--- stay tuned.

Christmas with a new meaning

This year for Christmas i was able to just sit back and enjoy the whole season instead of just the holiday. It really provided a lot of insight for me and it was humbling. I would like to share with all some of the things that i got:

I got the chance to put together a few handmade gifts. They are the cutest handmade christmas stockings. Each one took about 2-3 months to finish. Impecable detail with sequins and stitching. I was so proud! one was sent to my dear friend in Canada, Her design was Santa and snowman "shopping" in the the woods for a Christmas Tree. The other two were for Doty and her husband. One was tobaggonning (spelling) with a snowman and bear and bunny. The other was a snowman with mail box and such. Super Cute, plus the look on her face was awesome. Cause lets face it she is hard to shop for.


I got the chance to serve. There were several people in our neighborhood that needed just a little pick me up. My mom (chief givesalot) had gotten stuff for them and we went on adventures at like 11 pm and delievered them secretly! it was so much fun.

I got the chance to put some thought into buying a gift for my mom. Those of you who know my mom, she is seriously the worse person to shop for. She has everything and she isnt really materialistic, but yeah it was hard shopping for her. I liked the gift i got her, even though my grandma opened it up.

I got a chance to include people in our family. We had a Christmas Eve party at our house, my dads cousin and uncle and their kids came over and we played bunco. (details of that game later). Plus my cousin Charles came over and it was so fun to have him. I used to spend a lot of time with him when i would go visit family in Denver. So I kind of lost touch with him over the years, he was playful and just enjoyed it. 

I got the chance to start a new friendship. LOL!!! this one makes me laugh- I put together a movie basket with the movie Cinderalla man and popcorn and pop and candy for this "boy" who is so shy its not even funny!!! oye... so we will see where this goes. 

 I Got the chance to be a better person. I worked on Christmas Eve Morning and Christmas Day Swing. It was fun because they are kids without a home. Even though i complain a lot about how hard it is to work with them. They have enough respect for me to recognize the things i do for them. Amazing Expierence.

Well there you have it, my gifts i got. Dont get me wrong i was super spoiled, but that is not what i wanted to dwell on.

 Merry Christmas!

I have another post in the making, but i want to share that for new years!

Love all of you.

-Leslie

I did it AGAIN

Usually i drastically change my hair after i break up with someone, but this time i did it cause it was physically painful to comb my hair so what do you think?  I will have to post some of it when it is curly! but i love it.

My momma

Those of you who know our family know that it wouldn't be the way it is if it wasn't for my mom. The back bone, the heart and the motivation for the whole lot of us. She does so much for all of us and sad to say does it for little thank yous from us. However, did you know how much she does for the people in our neighborhood and our ward? SHE IS AMAZING.

First of all, as you know i work at a youth center. The kids i work with are often not allowed to go home for the holidays. My mom always makes sure they have a Christmas. Has blankets and cards and candy and fruit, just to make sure they wake up with something on Christmas morning. She also befriends neighbors who have otherwise been inside their house and never seen or heard from, but with sneaky perserverance she has managed to get them to talk to her. She is super good at making people feel welcome and not judged. Recently their was a lady in our ward diagnosed with breast cancer. She has three little girls at home and my mom made sure the girls are watched and cared for while their mom recovers from the chemo treatments. She even potty trained the middle one for her in one day! She also has crocehted pink hats for everyone who wants to can wear a hat during church so she isn't the only one wearing one. My mom has a heart of gold and is willing to do anything she can to make sure peoples burdens are lightened. She has done so much for people that i know she has a special place in heaven waiting for her.

I nominated her for the ksl high five clip that the channel 5 news does for people. They chose her and came out to the house today where some her friends and i surprised her with a camera crew and gift basket from a mechanic shop. It was so neat to see her honored by people who love and kind of just make it a special moment for her. There were lots of tears and laughs. It was really a cool day! Anyways the clip will air on friday morning during the 6 am news, the lady said around 620 if any of you are interested in watching and will be posted on ksl.com after that. (i am on there too i am sure the camera added a million pounds.!)

LOVE YOU MOMMA

As i sit here and ponder.....

The days have been better for me, i can finally go outside and talk to people without thinking i am going to die! :) i have taken extra care to be thankful this year. Although i am always thankful for the usual, my family, my friends, my health, and my knowledge. But this time of year makes me thankful for more. Ever since my brother decided to join the military i have gone out of my way to say thank you to every military personell i see in uniform. A couple examples, the other day while out to lunch with my nephew and mom, there were two soldiers sitting at a table, without thinking twice i went to personally thank them for every thing that they do for the sacrifice they make on behalf. With tear filled eyes i told them i am grateful for men like them. With a tear in his eye and soft gentle touch to my arm "said no problem ma'am, i am honored to defend you". Another time i was in subway and saw four soldiers there, my first instinct was to say thank you and again with the same response i went one step further and paid for their lunch before they got up there to pay. When the lady told them it was all taken care of he said please "ma'am i insist on paying." The lady said "no sir you don't understand that lady over there has paid for your tab" They approached me and asked if they could pay me back, to which again with tears in my eyes "please don't bother for it is I that needs to pay you back. Its the least i can do for your willingness to serve".

Anyways with that being said, yes i am grateful for the military and they freedoms they provide. I think and pray for them nightly. This poem attached made me cry but explains how i feel.

THANK YOU to those who are willing to serve.









A Different Christmas Poem
By Michael Marks

The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.

Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.
The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.

My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.

The sound wasn’t loud, and it wasn’t too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn’t quite know,
Then the sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.

My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.
Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.

A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.

“What are you doing?” I asked without fear,
“Come in this moment, it’s freezing out here!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!”

For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts..
To the window that danced with a warm fire’s light
Then he sighed and he said “Its really all right,

I’m out here by choice. I’m here every night.”
“It’s my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.
No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I’m proud to stand here like my fathers before me.

My Gramps died at ‘ Pearl on a day in December,”
Then he sighed, “That’s a Christmas ‘Gram always remembers.”
My dad stood his watch in the jungles of ‘ Nam ‘,
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.

I’ve not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he’s sure got her smile.
Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue… an American flag.

“I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.
I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.

I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother..
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall.”

“So go back inside,” he said, “harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I’ll be all right.”
“But isn’t there something I can do, at the least,
“Give you money,” I asked, “or prepare you a feast?

It seems all too little for all that you’ve done, For
being away from your wife and your son.”
Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret, “
Just tell us you love us, and never forget.

To fight for our rights back at home while we’re gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.

Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us.

180/111

Yes ladies and gents, that was my official reading of my blood pressure. i swear i was gonna have a stroke.

Its been an emotional couple months really and i think my body is just getting a chance to really feel it all. I am not okay, i will be, but right now i am not. And since kind of accepting that, its kind of been a little easier to deal with.

We will se how it goes. Anybody know of anyone getting rid of a cello and would like to donate it to a mental health situation?