Christmas with a new meaning

This year for Christmas i was able to just sit back and enjoy the whole season instead of just the holiday. It really provided a lot of insight for me and it was humbling. I would like to share with all some of the things that i got:

I got the chance to put together a few handmade gifts. They are the cutest handmade christmas stockings. Each one took about 2-3 months to finish. Impecable detail with sequins and stitching. I was so proud! one was sent to my dear friend in Canada, Her design was Santa and snowman "shopping" in the the woods for a Christmas Tree. The other two were for Doty and her husband. One was tobaggonning (spelling) with a snowman and bear and bunny. The other was a snowman with mail box and such. Super Cute, plus the look on her face was awesome. Cause lets face it she is hard to shop for.

I got the chance to serve. There were several people in our neighborhood that needed just a little pick me up. My mom (chief givesalot) had gotten stuff for them and we went on adventures at like 11 pm and delievered them secretly! it was so much fun.

I got the chance to put some thought into buying a gift for my mom. Those of you who know my mom, she is seriously the worse person to shop for. She has everything and she isnt really materialistic, but yeah it was hard shopping for her. I liked the gift i got her, even though my grandma opened it up.

I got a chance to include people in our family. We had a Christmas Eve party at our house, my dads cousin and uncle and their kids came over and we played bunco. (details of that game later). Plus my cousin Charles came over and it was so fun to have him. I used to spend a lot of time with him when i would go visit family in Denver. So I kind of lost touch with him over the years, he was playful and just enjoyed it. 

I got the chance to start a new friendship. LOL!!! this one makes me laugh- I put together a movie basket with the movie Cinderalla man and popcorn and pop and candy for this "boy" who is so shy its not even funny!!! oye... so we will see where this goes. 

 I Got the chance to be a better person. I worked on Christmas Eve Morning and Christmas Day Swing. It was fun because they are kids without a home. Even though i complain a lot about how hard it is to work with them. They have enough respect for me to recognize the things i do for them. Amazing Expierence.

Well there you have it, my gifts i got. Dont get me wrong i was super spoiled, but that is not what i wanted to dwell on.

 Merry Christmas!

I have another post in the making, but i want to share that for new years!

Love all of you.



I did it AGAIN

Usually i drastically change my hair after i break up with someone, but this time i did it cause it was physically painful to comb my hair so what do you think?  I will have to post some of it when it is curly! but i love it.


My momma

Those of you who know our family know that it wouldn't be the way it is if it wasn't for my mom. The back bone, the heart and the motivation for the whole lot of us. She does so much for all of us and sad to say does it for little thank yous from us. However, did you know how much she does for the people in our neighborhood and our ward? SHE IS AMAZING.

First of all, as you know i work at a youth center. The kids i work with are often not allowed to go home for the holidays. My mom always makes sure they have a Christmas. Has blankets and cards and candy and fruit, just to make sure they wake up with something on Christmas morning. She also befriends neighbors who have otherwise been inside their house and never seen or heard from, but with sneaky perserverance she has managed to get them to talk to her. She is super good at making people feel welcome and not judged. Recently their was a lady in our ward diagnosed with breast cancer. She has three little girls at home and my mom made sure the girls are watched and cared for while their mom recovers from the chemo treatments. She even potty trained the middle one for her in one day! She also has crocehted pink hats for everyone who wants to can wear a hat during church so she isn't the only one wearing one. My mom has a heart of gold and is willing to do anything she can to make sure peoples burdens are lightened. She has done so much for people that i know she has a special place in heaven waiting for her.

I nominated her for the ksl high five clip that the channel 5 news does for people. They chose her and came out to the house today where some her friends and i surprised her with a camera crew and gift basket from a mechanic shop. It was so neat to see her honored by people who love and kind of just make it a special moment for her. There were lots of tears and laughs. It was really a cool day! Anyways the clip will air on friday morning during the 6 am news, the lady said around 620 if any of you are interested in watching and will be posted on ksl.com after that. (i am on there too i am sure the camera added a million pounds.!)



As i sit here and ponder.....

The days have been better for me, i can finally go outside and talk to people without thinking i am going to die! :) i have taken extra care to be thankful this year. Although i am always thankful for the usual, my family, my friends, my health, and my knowledge. But this time of year makes me thankful for more. Ever since my brother decided to join the military i have gone out of my way to say thank you to every military personell i see in uniform. A couple examples, the other day while out to lunch with my nephew and mom, there were two soldiers sitting at a table, without thinking twice i went to personally thank them for every thing that they do for the sacrifice they make on behalf. With tear filled eyes i told them i am grateful for men like them. With a tear in his eye and soft gentle touch to my arm "said no problem ma'am, i am honored to defend you". Another time i was in subway and saw four soldiers there, my first instinct was to say thank you and again with the same response i went one step further and paid for their lunch before they got up there to pay. When the lady told them it was all taken care of he said please "ma'am i insist on paying." The lady said "no sir you don't understand that lady over there has paid for your tab" They approached me and asked if they could pay me back, to which again with tears in my eyes "please don't bother for it is I that needs to pay you back. Its the least i can do for your willingness to serve".

Anyways with that being said, yes i am grateful for the military and they freedoms they provide. I think and pray for them nightly. This poem attached made me cry but explains how i feel.

THANK YOU to those who are willing to serve.

A Different Christmas Poem
By Michael Marks

The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.

Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.
The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.

My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.

The sound wasn’t loud, and it wasn’t too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn’t quite know,
Then the sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.

My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.
Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.

A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.

“What are you doing?” I asked without fear,
“Come in this moment, it’s freezing out here!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!”

For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts..
To the window that danced with a warm fire’s light
Then he sighed and he said “Its really all right,

I’m out here by choice. I’m here every night.”
“It’s my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.
No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I’m proud to stand here like my fathers before me.

My Gramps died at ‘ Pearl on a day in December,”
Then he sighed, “That’s a Christmas ‘Gram always remembers.”
My dad stood his watch in the jungles of ‘ Nam ‘,
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.

I’ve not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he’s sure got her smile.
Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue… an American flag.

“I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.
I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.

I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother..
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall.”

“So go back inside,” he said, “harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I’ll be all right.”
“But isn’t there something I can do, at the least,
“Give you money,” I asked, “or prepare you a feast?

It seems all too little for all that you’ve done, For
being away from your wife and your son.”
Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret, “
Just tell us you love us, and never forget.

To fight for our rights back at home while we’re gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.

Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us.



Yes ladies and gents, that was my official reading of my blood pressure. i swear i was gonna have a stroke.

Its been an emotional couple months really and i think my body is just getting a chance to really feel it all. I am not okay, i will be, but right now i am not. And since kind of accepting that, its kind of been a little easier to deal with.

We will se how it goes. Anybody know of anyone getting rid of a cello and would like to donate it to a mental health situation?


the bucket list

SO yes, i am a copy cat but you know as i sit here and look at what i have accomplished this far in life (it isn't much but its cool) there are things that i would like to do before i "kick the bucket".so here is a beginning list.

1 Learn to play the cello
2 See and NFL game live
3 Visit the Light houses in Maine
4 Go to London
5 Have a baby
6 Sing the National Anthem at a sports event that no one in my family is playing in
7 Get Fit
8 Give up soda
9 Better yet- give up candy
10 Get a masters
11 Own a House
12 Kiss in the Rain
13 Tell someone i love them and have them say it back and mean it
14 Write my book
15 Compose a song
16 Copy all my moms recipes that i like
17 Keep a Journal
18 Sleep for two days
19 Become Fluent in Sign LAnguage (again)
20 Go on a Cruise
21 Find a Job I really Love
22 Be a Better Friend
23 Jump out of a plane
24 Help a Family in need
25 Follow A Rainbow
26 Visit Hawaii
27 Live in Vegas
28 Go to 15 REAL concerts
29 Learn to ski
30 Take up Golf
31 Make my own Calendar
32 Paint my room Pink
33 Participate in a Rodeo
34 Take a cross country road trip and stop at all the points of interest
35 Get a tatoo
36 Become active in the church again
37 Change my own oil
38 Own a Great Dane
39 Watch the sunset and rise from the same spot with someone special
40 Record my own cd
41 Laugh everyday
42 Say my prayers regularly
43 Get a massage
44 Go dancing in a club
45 Visit Alaska
46 Go back to D.C.
47 Be in a movie
48 Watch all 10 seasons of CSI all in a row
49 Read 5 books a year
50 Re connect with old friends

Thats a good list for now, some of them i may never accomplish, but i can try right?

Wish me luck i will add more when i think of some and cross them off when i get done with them...

woot woot


New Hair...

I meant to put this before my last blog but here it is anyway... i felt that i needed to change things, i thought about a tatoo, or a new phone, or something, but instead i decided to change my hair!

so here it is... i love love love love love it. this is a weird pic cause it looks like my hair is uneven but its not its just pulled behind on one side...

Doctor visit

So friday i bucked up and went to the doctor about my anxiety and he says that i have Agoraphobia! i always knew there was something wrong especially now that things got worse with my anxiety.

what is agoraphobia? agoraphobia is a condition where the sufferer becomes anxious in environments that are unfamiliar or where he or she perceives that they have little control. Triggers for this anxiety may include wide open spaces, crowds (social anxiety), or traveling (even short distances). Agoraphobia is often, but not always, compounded by a fear of social embarrassment, as the agoraphobic fears the onset of a panic attack and appearing distraught in public.

I have mixed emotions about it all... i am relieved that i am not going crazy and that there is something wrong with me. I am sad however cause i wasn't like this before.. as a matter of fact i was the shit in college... EVERYONE knew who i was... and i mean EVERYONE. It was awesome. People always knew where i was too. And now even thinking about it makes my blood pressure rise and i went to go hide in the closet.

Doctor says to try out new meds and to go to a therapist. (oh joy!) we will see how that all goes.

Work is stressful, well not really i just wish that all the staff were on the same page. but its an ongoing process and we have made tremendous progress. The doctor says that my fear of failing effects work too, meaning i want everything to be perfect on my shift and when it doesn't go that way it makes it worse for me. But it shall all turn around sometime i am sure.

hmmm i have so much more to say and i am actually feeling well enough to make updates and actually write more on here, not that anyone ever really reads these things.

Til next time...



so as it turns out leslie threw a mini princess fit, but it just wasn't over the incident i last wrote about its about relationships in general...
oh well...i can overreact if i want to lol! laugh at that one...

on higher note, i have to go to AA meetings with the clients i work with and let me tell you that i have had a complete change of heart in a lot of things, one is turning to a higher power. I know in my religion they talk about forgiveness and what not but it was something amazing seeing a bunch of "drunks" talk about their stories and turning to God. so i said eh what the heck, so i have made some major revamps and adjustments to my life and strangely enough, i am more "reverent" so to speak, CRAZY i know but everyone has a different conversion story and mine just happened to start in rehab.... lol oh the joys of being a life coach for addicts!

love, les


I should be royally mad, but...

oh man! if only you knew why i should be mad----- you ask why i am not. i will just say this... i give 100% in any realtionship i have been in and have truly felt that i have no regrets in any relationships. EAch guy has taught me something different and fun about myself and has proposed new challenges. Too bad that they have to make up things....oh man... i hope he reads this. I still love ya!!!!!!!!!!

and i have been blog stalking some of my old friends in high school...you guys are FUNNY!!!!

i am off to get ready to get off work.

Mobile blogging? Oh man i am in trouble



So, among this crazy emotional week i have found my destination in life! No its not to find world peace, no i am not becoming a hippie, lol....hold on i am still laughing my butt off....

Mom and i were driving around before we went and saw a movie (shutter island---GOOD SHOW!) so she was talking about how she is going to open a horse and tack store and call it "Tack and Field" cute eh? it could work, so i was thinking, what could i do that was like that....well.... are you ready? here it goes be prepared to laugh your brains out.... i almost wrecked cause i was laughing so hard...... DRUM ROLL PLEASE!!!!

I am going to write a book. A comedy/coping book..... why is that funny you say? wait to hear what i am going to call it..... okay....


SWEET SUCCESS!!!! Everyone needs a good laugh and us fat girls need some comic relief and a getaway from all the people who think thin is in.... please! so look for it as a number one best seller... its started already!!!


p.s. don't get me wrong i love my skinny friends and family, but just get tired of hearing from society that i am "sick"



So many of you i am sure are questioning why i just jumped over to the fourth of july background.... but as St. Patricks day is the next holiday, my family and I have something more special to celebrate than that. My brother passed his PT test on saturday and has been given permission to graduate at the end of this month with his class. He walks in a graduation ceremony on Feb 26th!

I don't think he will ever read this, but i will write it anyways


Hey Soldier! I am stand more and more proud everyday knowing that you are making this decision in your life. I remember when you were just a little lad and how much fun you and i would have together especially on days when you had torn apart the house looking for something and mom couldn't figure out what it was you wanted i knew exactly what you were saying. I was so excited to have a brother! it was awesome. I watched you struggle throughout learning challenges, physical as well as mental pain. I watched you in band concerts and football games, i watched you in your church endevours. I watched as you struggled to overcome evil opponents in a state wrestling tournament to win! I watched you graduated, i watched as you stood proud as they announced those who were joining the military. I watched you through the this military journey struggle many times and watched as you were driven to your knees many times. Now i proudly stand next to you to show my appreciation and love for you not only as my brother and a part of this family but as an American Soldier! I will continue to watch as you defend our freedom, rights, and liberties as Americans. I will watch, stand and support you. I love you!


do overs

Can i please have a pass to start the new year off again... seriously this has been the worst start to a new year in my 27 years. not only did i have to work an 86 hour marathon at work but we had major changes at work and some staff aren't on board with. for the first time in my job working there i felt that i was not safe to be at work adn it had nothing to do with the residents.... grrr... and i had to take a valum just to function cause i did nothing but shake for two days and shut myself off from the world. then it feels like nothing gets done to other people its annoying...

on a good note i get to play with my best friend tomorrow!!! yahoo!!! i am excited she always makes me feel important and is there through everything! i love her and her husband who treats her so well or i would have to punch him in the throat... :) i need to find my 20 bucks though so i can play!

i will write more later when i feel better.