i am sure i am living a nervous breakdown

these past three weeks have been nothing but one blow after the other. I have been so confused with life that i don't know what to do with myself. I have learned a lot about who i am and what limits i can take. i have cried more at work this week then i have the whole year i have been there. luckily i work where there are therapists on call all the time and a doctor is there once a week. soooo i have been able to get the help as far as that is concerned at no cost to me. I have heard some news about the past and about friends who have said mean things about me-- yeah i know it happened 8 years ago, but man that was tough to hear, you never know someone really and i suppose that is what is so frustrating, i want to be able to just let people know how i feel and vice versa and not hear how much people didn't like me and who slept with who-- i just don't get it, i have battled a self esteem issue pretty much my whole life and for some reason i thought i was doing better with it all but with a recent break up and the holidays and stresses from work and the mysterious ghost from my past making a bitter sweet appearance in my life (thank you and i love you) i over looked that i still STRONGLY dislike ME. I work all day long with kids who are troubled and need constant structure and yet i can't help myself. Part of it came when my boss told me that i was authoritative, right and thats okay but in front of the clients? honestly i was crushed and it made seriously question whether or not i was meant for the job, i have gone almost an entire year without falling apart and so i suppose i should give myself credit where it is deserved because that is pretty good considering the field i work in. Luckily i have really good staff now people who support me and help me... so that is good. needless to say i am looking forward to the christmas break. i think little kids are hilarious, the other night we went to a wrestling meet for my brother max (16) in orem. He won by the way,.. GOOD JOB KID! anyways so my family and i went to taco bell, where of course my littlest brother rowdy (4) had to use the restroom. my dad took him there and then when he came out he announced the world that he peed through his flap in his underwear, and wanted to show mommy and leslie, pulled down his pants and luckily mom stopped him before the whole world has a demonstration. He then asked my sister (7) if she had underwear on and to go pee through the flap, my sister said i don't have a flap and rowdy proceeded to tell her that she wasn't special.. oh man that was sooo funny---- kids say the darndest things. I am excited for christmas although i still have one gift to get and i don't have the slightest idea what the hell i am going to get so if this person is reading this then tell me what to get you!!!!!


jumblish mess

so i was sitting here the other day just stark raving mad because my dad can be so rude sometimes. Its not that i hate him i hate what he does. He thinks that if he isn't in control or if it wasn't his idea or if someone else is even remotely smarter than he is he freaks out and has a giant cow. i am tired of it... he yelled at me the other day because he was showing my mom how to do something on the computer and was making it 100 more times harder than it should've been and so when i suggested doing it another way of course i was stupid and he made no hesitations to make me feel that way.GRRR!!!!
Anyways-- so we had our company Christmas party on friday. It was so much fun-- We were supposed to bring a date, but since the boy i am interested in doesn't live in this town it was difficult to bring him so i took my mom and had the time of my life. Since we work with troubled teens of course everyone is a little off the rocker so we all portrayed that at the party. WE had a snowball fight in the gym which involved throwing marshmallows at each other.. oh man it was so fun all these adults running around being totally ridiculous.. i clocked our clinical director in the face.. it was awesome. Then mom and i won name that tune!! it was really really really fun!!! i have recenlty been in contact with a ghost from the past... it is an awesome expierence-- one that i should write about later.
as the new year keeps getting closer and closer i have no idea what i am doing in life. seriously i am 25 years old. and have very little to show for it. all i know is that i am grateful for what i have and things that i have done so far. i will write more soon--- lots of emotions today.


church= nervous breakdown

okay i think i fixed my space bar problem.

i went to church today, and let me tell you how hectic things were. First of all i don't feel good i have this crap going around and its sucks. anyways, there was this little boy in primary that was visiting and he was scared to death, he was absolutely out of his mind, he was crying and saying he wanted "tia" well i waited for someone who is in charge to take him out to find his aunt and low and behold no one did, big shocker there huh. well i went over to him and he started speaking spanish at nine hundred miles and hour, i know spanish but really at nine hundred miles? goodness sakes... i desperately tried to find his aunt and no one would help me but my mom came to the rescue and yelled at the people in relief society to help and we finally found is Aunt Iana. i was crying because i didn't know what to do. it was crazy. then in primary where they are only supposed to sing religious songs out the children's song book and what do they sing--- rudoulph the f'ing NOSE REINDEER!!!!!! SERIOUSLY???? IN CHURCH?????? MY HELL PEOPLE... WE ARE TRYING TO TEACH THESE LITTLE KIDS ABOUT CHRIST AND THE REAL MEANING OF CHRISTMAS AND YOU TALK ABOUT A DAMN FAKE REINDEER WHO IS A FREAK OF NATURE CAUSE HE DOESN'T EVEN FIT IT AND THEY ALL LAUGH AT HIM.......GRRRRRRRR

need less to say i am not going back.......


myspacebardoesn'twork butonly whenitwantstoand itsseriouslyhardto type when it hasamind of itsown....


hello out there

i sit here in my nice cozy clean room that i spent countless hours cleaning and rearranging furniture, only to find out that my bed wouldn't fit the way i wanted it to and still be able to open the door. so i moved it back but hey my room is clean!!! (i should post pictures).

Tis the season to be jolly--- whoever concocted this phrase should be tortured. When it snows it makes people instantly stupid behind the wheel... i am fine with driving in winter, i learned to drive in wyoming where there is 11.5 months of snow and the other.5 month is windy as all hell... but seriously people if you can't drive then don't--- if you crash, well gives you an excuse to use the insurance you are paying (much to hight prices) for. plus i get sick EVERY december--- without fail.

i have been at my job for almost a year---- i can hardly believe it... OYE. i love my job but i am afraid its taking its toll... i hope and pray that i will reach these kids and lately i feel like they aren't learning anything i teach them.... is it too much to ask them to listen and apply things,... OYE

well i will write more later....
looking forward to hearing from you out there in cyber land