Yes ladies and gents, that was my official reading of my blood pressure. i swear i was gonna have a stroke.

Its been an emotional couple months really and i think my body is just getting a chance to really feel it all. I am not okay, i will be, but right now i am not. And since kind of accepting that, its kind of been a little easier to deal with.

We will se how it goes. Anybody know of anyone getting rid of a cello and would like to donate it to a mental health situation?


the bucket list

SO yes, i am a copy cat but you know as i sit here and look at what i have accomplished this far in life (it isn't much but its cool) there are things that i would like to do before i "kick the bucket".so here is a beginning list.

1 Learn to play the cello
2 See and NFL game live
3 Visit the Light houses in Maine
4 Go to London
5 Have a baby
6 Sing the National Anthem at a sports event that no one in my family is playing in
7 Get Fit
8 Give up soda
9 Better yet- give up candy
10 Get a masters
11 Own a House
12 Kiss in the Rain
13 Tell someone i love them and have them say it back and mean it
14 Write my book
15 Compose a song
16 Copy all my moms recipes that i like
17 Keep a Journal
18 Sleep for two days
19 Become Fluent in Sign LAnguage (again)
20 Go on a Cruise
21 Find a Job I really Love
22 Be a Better Friend
23 Jump out of a plane
24 Help a Family in need
25 Follow A Rainbow
26 Visit Hawaii
27 Live in Vegas
28 Go to 15 REAL concerts
29 Learn to ski
30 Take up Golf
31 Make my own Calendar
32 Paint my room Pink
33 Participate in a Rodeo
34 Take a cross country road trip and stop at all the points of interest
35 Get a tatoo
36 Become active in the church again
37 Change my own oil
38 Own a Great Dane
39 Watch the sunset and rise from the same spot with someone special
40 Record my own cd
41 Laugh everyday
42 Say my prayers regularly
43 Get a massage
44 Go dancing in a club
45 Visit Alaska
46 Go back to D.C.
47 Be in a movie
48 Watch all 10 seasons of CSI all in a row
49 Read 5 books a year
50 Re connect with old friends

Thats a good list for now, some of them i may never accomplish, but i can try right?

Wish me luck i will add more when i think of some and cross them off when i get done with them...

woot woot


New Hair...

I meant to put this before my last blog but here it is anyway... i felt that i needed to change things, i thought about a tatoo, or a new phone, or something, but instead i decided to change my hair!

so here it is... i love love love love love it. this is a weird pic cause it looks like my hair is uneven but its not its just pulled behind on one side...

Doctor visit

So friday i bucked up and went to the doctor about my anxiety and he says that i have Agoraphobia! i always knew there was something wrong especially now that things got worse with my anxiety.

what is agoraphobia? agoraphobia is a condition where the sufferer becomes anxious in environments that are unfamiliar or where he or she perceives that they have little control. Triggers for this anxiety may include wide open spaces, crowds (social anxiety), or traveling (even short distances). Agoraphobia is often, but not always, compounded by a fear of social embarrassment, as the agoraphobic fears the onset of a panic attack and appearing distraught in public.

I have mixed emotions about it all... i am relieved that i am not going crazy and that there is something wrong with me. I am sad however cause i wasn't like this before.. as a matter of fact i was the shit in college... EVERYONE knew who i was... and i mean EVERYONE. It was awesome. People always knew where i was too. And now even thinking about it makes my blood pressure rise and i went to go hide in the closet.

Doctor says to try out new meds and to go to a therapist. (oh joy!) we will see how that all goes.

Work is stressful, well not really i just wish that all the staff were on the same page. but its an ongoing process and we have made tremendous progress. The doctor says that my fear of failing effects work too, meaning i want everything to be perfect on my shift and when it doesn't go that way it makes it worse for me. But it shall all turn around sometime i am sure.

hmmm i have so much more to say and i am actually feeling well enough to make updates and actually write more on here, not that anyone ever really reads these things.

Til next time...