i am being punished...

and quite frankly i am pissed off about it....

so i recently i just back together with an ex, i really tried hard to be a better girlfriend this time around. i went against the odds of my family and friends telling me not to get back with him. Everything was fine, we spent the new year together. i went there just yesterday and i thought everything was grand, BOY WAS I STUPID AND NAIVE. On our way out to grab something to eat i started to go numb in my legs, and it started to freak him out, (its a normal thing for me so i don't think its a big deal) but he said it freaked him out, we went upstairs to leave and he dropped the line "can i be honest with you" and i panicked, i expected to hear something like i cheated on you and you are dumb enough to feed into the whole thing. however, he stated that we moved back into the relationship thingy way too fast and he felt that he wasn't good enough for me because i worked hard to be where i am. meaning because i have a degree and a job and am financially sound (bunch a bull shit) so i left. totally distraught and feeling like it was something i had done wrong. He assured me that it wasn't me but it was him feeling that he was dragging me down.
i went to work today and could do nothing but think of everything and how stupid it all was, i wanted answers dammit, i at least deserved that, soooo naturally on my way home from work i call him and ask him what happened or what i did wrong this time. He said that he wanted to be the one to be on top and be the contributing factor to all the finances and yadda yadda yadda. I then let him have it, and my side of the conversation was as follows "I am being punished because i am older!!! had i met you two years ago, i wouldn't have had my degree and everything would have been different, i know that for a fact! its your insecurities that keep "us" from happening becauase you like most guys want some stupid ditzy blonde wife that sits on your arm, waves to people, and bares children, instead of someone who is intelligent and willing to make something of herself. You are right, i have worked hard to be where i am and i still struggle, i live in a room in my parents house for hells sake, so yes i am smart and i am intelligent and i am pretty, and i deserve someone who isn't insecure and can be man enough to let ME be smart and funny."
so tell me was i wrong in saying all that? my mom told me last night that i shouldn't tell people i have a degree because it intimidates people and i had to hold my tongue to not say "why the hell should i be ashamed of who i am?" its not like i go around shoving the fact that i have a degree in everyones face, (i am not like my relatives significant others) if they ask, yes i am proud to tell them, but however i guess i am supposed to say "nope, no degree, no education, no mind of my own, as a matter of fact i will only do what you ask, please insert a quarter in my ass so that i can function properly and stroke your ego and make you feel like the man!"
oooooh i am so mad,
to whom it may concern meaning all the guys in the world:

When you have the balls to tell yourself that it is okay for a woman to be smart and funny and fairly attractive instead of stupid and drop dead gorgeous, then you can talk to me, otherwise leave your insecurities far far away from me. I am done trying to change the person i am, i want to be able to help my children with their homework and not have to wait for the big bad man to come home and rescue a damsel in distress, i will never make you feel in adequate, i will let you open the door and i won't outshine you in front of your boss, i won't tell your family that i can kick you butt at jeopardy, and i won't tell your co workers that i got my degree before you, but seriously, get a life and accept me for the smart, damn straight up funny, and attractive girl.!!!!!

Thank you,


Jenny said...

AMEN! and Ditto!

amyaandrus said...