Living with anxiety vs dying from a social disease

I don't even know where to start--- every blog always starts out with "i am sorry i haven't written but wow its been crazy"
 yes it has been crazy too crazy to fill you all in so you will just have to take my word for it.

Now on the title of my blog. I thought it was quiet fitting. Some of you know that i was diagnosed with agoraphobia. Its nothing more than a label, its not physically ailing or antying to that sort. (i know people who have far worse problems than i do, but this is my blog i can say what i want!!)

One thing that i have really wanted to do is to get over having anxiety. Medications do help to a point but a lot of it has to do with reversing the psychological damage i did to myself. I'd kill for the chance to go back to my college days where i was popular and had things to do and wasn't afraid of big crowds or felt the need to cry every time someone looked at me... but the reality is i can't do that.

A few weeks ago some co-workers invited me to hang out with them late friday night. I have avoided getting together with them solely because of my anxiety. I have gone to go twice to the gathering but chickened out and went home instead. I sat in the parking lot this time and cried and cried and cried cause i couldn't get out of the car. i was a mess. i saw someone i knew and decided walking in with him would put less attention on me and i could just squeeze in and no one would notice... it worked for a while until people realized that i was there and then they started talking to me. I could feel my blood pressure rise and my need to climb under a rock superceded my need to be socialable. Part of the reasn i was panicky was because at work i am a different person. I am confindent, strong, and dependent on noone but myself. I can make rapid decisions in tough situations. I can calm storms that others cower in fear from. This is not the case when it comes to being out in a crowd. I survived the night but found myself avoiding the people that were there while we were at work so that i didn't have to remember that i was actually out of my apartment.

This isn't the only time that something like this has happened,but it has led me to this conclusion: I was dying from a social disease. So know i have to switch-a-roo things around and start living with anxiety. I am just going to have to get over the fact that people will see me cry.. and they will see me cry a lot, thats just what i do, its how i cope, i cry when i am sad, cry when i am mad, cry when i am overwhelmed, cry when i am tired. So thats it, i cry. Deal with it. I have been faced with many anxiety filled events over the last 5 months including the dreaded booth test and restaraunts. I have a friend that we see eachother often but he always insist on sitting in a booth, the first time it happend i almost left, well at least i wanted to but it turns out that i froze. I couldn't move, literally was frozen, i scanned the area for the nearest escape route, but he had already spotted me and told me to come sit down. He knew i was in a state of panic and helped me get over that. Thanks goodness, now i think he does it on purpose. 

*random thought* I have met some awesome people through work and am so looking forward to continuin our friendship and helping eachother out.

I like having my own apartment, I started out living with my sister, but she got super sick and had to move home. also we just weren't getting a long and so it was better she move home. Now i have a roommate which is fun. We don't see much of eachother. For the first little while i was excited to come to my parents house because i was comfortable there, i didn't have to be as responsible for things, now i still enjoy coming over but i like having space to call my own. again i am sure this added to my anxiety problems.

I picked up a second job as a substitute teacher- let me tell ya thats an adventure all to good for someone with anxiety but i have done well so far.

well i am sure you are bored to tears, i am writing regularly in a journal so now i will just bring that with me and update my blog.

thanks for reading


I have not abandoned you all... since soo many of you read it... lol... but i will post again very soon. i have a whole weekend off...


The end of the world

Well with all the craze of the end of the world being tomorrow i thought i would blog one last time---HAHAHAHA funny... people who believe that are lame! sorry to offend anyone...

Okay on a serious note that is semi related to that. I have been thinking of things a lot lately mostly have i done everything i wanted to before the world did end? well the answer is no... I have made mistakes and have paid my dues for them. I am in  a happy place now letting go of some sins and mistakes finally being able to forgive myself. I have gone to college and got a degree. I have watched the complete circle of life from start to finsish. I have done some amazing things... however the one thing that i havent done is tell the one person i truly loved that i love him. I won't go into many details so please don't ask. I don't want him to know that i still love him... it would be weird... but i have known him since i was little like elementary school and he doesn't read my blog but still no details.

What made me think of this? well honestly American Idol did. Lauren sang the Martina Mcbride song "anyway" and it brought many of my feelings and emotions to the surface! Here are the lyrics:

You can spend your whole life buildin'
Something from nothin'
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway

You can chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

God is great
But sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway

This world's gone crazy
It's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway

You can love someone with all your heart
For all the right reasons
In a moment they can choose to walk away
Love 'em anyway

God is great
But sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
Yeah - I do it anyway

You can pour your soul out singing
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yea, sing it anyway
Yeah, yeah!

I sing
I dream
I love

I've printed in green the one section this blog is talking about. I am sure i will write blogs about others. But yes I loved him with every piece of my heart. and i watched them walk away. I have been carrying this for almost 15 years. I truly believe nothing would have come of it if he did know. He has a wife and kids and military career. And if we talk we still say love ya bro and love ya sis. but i know that  my heart gave more.

I just now realized that i  was holding on to that... never letting go and playing the what if game or the shoulda coulda woulda... but the truth is i need to let go. need to allow others to be loved too...

awww american idol...

Refreshing to let things go.. i have been cleaning house of my emotions and breaking down my wall...

I sing
I dream
I love



Three years ago today my sister had my nephew and my whole life changed forever. He brings me such joy and happiness. I didn't know i can love a nephew so much.



Sneak Peak coming soon

yes folks i am just about done with my introduction to my book--- stay tuned.