happy! happy! happy!

Yesterday seriously was super fun! I spent the entire day at lava hot springs with some of my favorite peoples!!!  It was so fun for multiple reasons.

First, i faced my fears again by appearing in public with a swimsuit.
Second, the entire time i was in the pool i didn't hurt, my headache went away, my legs didn't hurt and my feet weren't in excruciating pain.I got to run and play and be carefree
Third, i now know what it feels like to be branded because the hot spring we chose just happened to be the HOTTEST WATER EVER KNOWN TO MAN!!!
Fourth, I got a new lanyard of DUCK DYNASTY!!! WAHOO!!!

Good day

Today however i found that my car had been "broken" in to. Nothing important or irreplaceable was taken but it was still the fact that someone was in my car. They were kind enough to leave my 10 dollars i had in my visor. I just worry that i was clumsy and left my account info in there. Its happened once before but nothing seems out of the ordinary so far. i will keep an eye on it during my get away this week! ANNNNNDDDD today i caught some mans eye at the mall who thought i was particularly cute and stopped to talk to me and got my number!!! what what! lol! just kidding oh and he just called!! HEE HEE... "the look" still works!

well i still have to go pack to go camping so i have to let you go!!

till next time!!!!  YODO!



SOOOOOOOO despite what people say i do have feelings. and guess what?!? They get hurt. So this morning when i woke up way before my alarm was scheduled to go off i decided that for me the wall that i built and was breaking down a little at a time will now by fully assembled for some people. I am sorry. I have to. I have to protect myself so if that means cleaning house and moving on from people who appear to be unable to let things go or see the wrong that they have done then let it be written so let it be told. Good bye, good riddens, see ya later! I will be here when you can get over yourself and maybe just maybe we can go some where in what you call a "friednship". I am done, i don't need it. I am a good person and a good friend, You have to see and recognize that i am trying to overcome things in my life and become better than you don't need to be part of this adventure of mine. Dueces!


List of things i know or don't know

Today as i was having a tiny fit of rage at work i began to reflect on what i know and what i don't know about myself. So here is a list of things that i needed to write down. All two of you that read my blog get to enjoy it. (also i will be making a new bucket list during a later post.

1- I know what i don't know
2- I know that i have a cracking point and to be quite honest with you i know i have met that point.
3- I know i am a good person
4- I know i make mistakes, mistakes that are huge
5- I know that even though i make mistakes that number three is still true
6- I know i love my family
7- I know i love my friends
8- I know i will be okay
9- I know that depression is temporary
10- I know i am loved
11- I know that i hated
12- I know that i am better who i was last week
13- I know that i am talented
14- I know that i am hilarious
15- I know that i am pretty

yup that'll do it for tonight folks. I might take the time to embellish on each of these, perhaps make each one a different post and elaborate on them... but i had to get it off my chest first.


protective instincts...

Okay so as i journey through this little path to become a better person, a better friend, and better collegue, a better daughter, and an overall better person i had a self discovery moment this weekend. well two of them, okay scratch that THREE!!! of them.

One is my nephew, i am sorry, i will kill if anyone touches, harms, thinks about harming, scolds, ignores, yells, or hurts him outside the scope of parenthood. I love him with all my heart and will die in heart beat protecting him.I guess this also goes for my family, too. I have had to defend my momma plenty o times and get very upset when people talk to her like they don't have any manners! same as my siblings, we may not always get a long and i may not like them, but you or any body else are not allowed to be mean to them. (thats my job!) but for real....keep your hands, feet, thoughts, feelings and emotions to yourself when it comes to my family or  you will die.

Another is my kiddos at work. I find myself having to fight for them on numerous occasions and if that means i have to be all mean and nasty on the radio frequencies than i will do just that i will make sure that they are treated fairly and equally as everyone else. They are not the best kids around but they are more respectful than others out there and by golly they are my not so best kids so yes i will defend them too. I will protect them too. 

The other is my friends. First of all i don't have all that many close friends but the ones that i do have in my own little circle are some the best people i know and let me tell you why. They will do anything to help you. They will move your entire apartment because you can't do so. They will hold you why you cry over a guy for the 900 time in two years. They will be at your side when you tell them to go away. They will cook you mac n cheese at 3 in the morning just because that is your most favorite food in the whole wide world. The guys tell me how beautiful us girls are on a daily basis, even if don't have my teeth in yet. The guys treat us like princesses, like we are worth something. it truly is amazing. this past weekend two of my close friends had some pretty craptastic things happen to them... and let me tell you, i had no problems knowing that if i acted to save one that i might have go to jail. I was okay with this, they would do it for me! The other was devastated and heartbroken and dammit that not nice girl made him cry... oh believe me its a good thing i don't know her or where she lives cause i would have busted out the brass knuckles and said hello to her face and throat a couple of times!!!

So there you have it folks, i am not "witchy" at all.  i scored in the 98% percentile of protective instincts. 

Jacques Yves Cousteau People protect what they love.Quote


My report card on life i give myself an F!

You know i have tons and tons of stuff to say tonight but i don't really want to say any of them because tomorrow when i wake up i will regret saying half them and feel way worse than i do now.
 Tonight was an upsetting night, please don't ask for details because it is painful and hurtful and very near and dear to my heart. However it has me questioning a lot of things and placing a huge amount of guilt, burden, and shame upon myself. Tonight is the first night that i have hated my job... and to be perfectly honest it wasn't about the job at all. The little angels i work with weren't all that bad and i love the team i work with, but i hated it because it is keeping me away from being there when others need me the most. If i hadn't have pursued the shift lead jobs and gone to working 5 nights a week instead of just 2 days a week then i would not be in the predicament that i am in. i would be where i feel i am needed more. This job is very rewarding, i love my kids as if they were my own, I cry with them, i laugh with them (sometimes i laugh at them). i grow with them i teach them but most importantly i learn from them. However tonight i find myself feeling torn between them and this situation. I realize that i cannot control what this has done, but i feel if i didn't take the position that things would be different. Like i said i won't say the mean things i want to because tonight i am hateful and angry.
My mom has always taught me that i had 24 hours to stew over things and then i needed to move on.... well i can do a lot of damage in that amount of time. I mean most of it will be emotional damage and torment to myself because that is what i do... its kind of like that scene in Liar Liar where he beats himself up... but only emotionally. Cause i am super good at that!!! 


I didn't write this but I fully support this message

Don’t Apologize for Your Opinions

One thing that always bothers me, is when intelligent, thoughtful people; feel it is necessary to apologize for their ideas and opinions… or for even having ideas and opinions at all (much less opinions contrary to those around them, or which are unpopular).
You don’t have to apologize for your views to anyone, for any reason. They are yours (or at least, they should be… if they aren’t… if you’re just repeating things you’ve been told, or you don’t really understand or believe what you’re saying… well, you’ve got a different problem entirely).
Right or wrong, you have the right to an opinion (I don’t have to listen to you, but I can’t tell you you can’t have them); and unless you are violating others rights in doing so, you have the right to express those views openly, and to act on them appropriately.
The first freedom, is freedom of conscience. Without freedom of conscience, we are not men.
However, having and expressing views, carries an element of responsibility and duty with it.
First you must understand, you have the right to your own opinions, but not your own facts. If facts contradict your opinions, facts win, no matter what you think or what you want; and whether you recognize it or not. Reality is a harsh mistress, and it doesn’t respect your ideas, your opinions, your preferences, or your feelings… Reality respects only fact.
Before you express them publicly, you must always understand your own views as deeply and comprehensively as possible; including both the first principles which are their foundation, and the implications and consequences of them (as well as understanding that there will always be unforseen and unintended effects and consequences, to any action or decision).
You should always be prepared to defend your views; with both this understanding of them, and with examples from reality, when challenged. If you are unable to do this, you risk discrediting your views even if they are entirely and provably correct, simply because you were unable to effectively defend them (this is a very common problem unfortunately).
Finally, you must accept that your views may be wrong; and if proven (by either reasoning or reality) to be incorrect, incomplete, or improperly understood; you must be able to re-examine, and revise, or even replace them.
If you are incapable of this, emotionally or intellectually, you need not apologize for your views… but you certainly should not inflict them on others.

oh you sly frog you

So my mom always sang this song to me when i was little and i was always so excited to hear it. and i remember watching it on the Muppet show (yes that is how old i am) but anyways here is the song....

Why are there so many
Songs about rainbows?
And what's on the other side
Rainbows are visions
But only illusions
And rainbows have nothing to hide
So we've been told
And some choose to believe it
I know they're wrong wait and see
Someday we'll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me

Who said that every wish
Would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star
Somebody thought of that
And someone believed it
Look what it's done so far
What's so amazing
That keeps us star-gazing?
And what do we think we might see
Someday we'll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me

Have you been half asleep
And have you heard voices
I've heard them calling my name
Is this the sweet sound
That calls the young sailors
The voice might be one and the same
I've heard it too many times to ignore it
It's something that I'm supposed to be
Someday we'll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me


DANGER, Will Robinson

I have a reputation of, well, lack of a better terms, being a bitchy. Someone who doesn't get a long well with others, a person with a bit of an anger problem. Medication has helped mellow me out a bit, but i still have no problems chewing you up and spitting you right back out if i feel you need this to happen.

Now just read the rest with an open heart. I am not asking for help because everyone will give me 3000 different words of advice, but  rather i am asking for you support in the changes that i am making and want to make in my life. Here are some reasons, some explanations if you will for my attitude problem. Remember that these are not excuses...

1. I have been made fun of my entire life (i mean really who hasn't?) for my weight, my hair, my sense of style, recently cause i am old and not reproducing children. Because of this i have always felt that i had to stand my ground, be the tough guy, act like i am okay with the harsh words that sting like a stab wound.

 The tough guy thingy brings me to my next point

2. I have taught myself and have grown accustomed that i have the mentality of a guarded person. you know the whole "if i push people out or not even let them in at all then it’ll save me from being left alone or pushed out later."

Which leads into

3. Relationships... I have felt that i had to be mean, bossy, and cocky so that i look with it and confident and content with the single life (the truth is i am not and i hate every moment of it). but i refuse to be an airhead when i am smart, refuse to be used for sex when i have so much more to offer, refuse to be taken advantage of when i give a lot in the few relationships i have had. This whole attitude problem of mine has left me so sad and alone *sigh*

4. I HATE HATE HATE HATE losing. seriously it gets on my last nerve. and beacuse of this combined with my anger issue i am in a lose lose situation. If have to compete with the skinny beezies (which face it, Utah is the mother load of them!) Then i am already out and again i will leave before i am left. I can't just change the way i look over night. Yes i know i am pretty. i do, i have good hair, skin... ya know. but compared to others....ya FAIL!!!! i don't have many cute clothes... so its the same 4 outfits or naked and ya again FAIL with a capital F. and no i am not going to start a Utah chapter of Chubby Chasers....

I AM sad about it all really. I don't know how to just change 31 years of hurt, anger, jealousy, and learned attitude. My dear sweet friends have helped a lot. They stuck with it, broke through the walls, and they get to expierence me....under all the hurt and hate. ya i promise she is there.


911 whats your emergency?

I totally saw this tonight! oh man it was terrifying, but I called 911 and reported this driver and then spent a wonderful hour of my time with the police officers to see if this girls was gonna be able to drive again. I filled out an incident report and I am so trained from work that I corrected my errors as if they were ones written at work... oh well. I don't know what happened to her cause I left after I gave my side of the story, but they def think she is on something and had called in the DEA for one of their tests.

The day back at work was a good one... some ups and some downs but overall I was grateful to be back at work.

That's all I got tonight, I am sorry, hopefully I will be able to write more tomorrow.


The meaning of life

Here is another thing I have been thinking about....

Have you ever wondered if you have influenced peoples lives? I have. but I also KNOW that I have influenced peoples lives. but before I go into all that let me start with something negative based....

I hate hate hate hate hate loath the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. For that very reason is the reason why I work a bazillion hours and the reason I shut people out (see previous post). I do all that because then I don't have time to feel this way. But alas I know that it is not healthy to avoid situations all the time, but seriously it is the most annoying feeling in the world to not be able to help people. My sister is laid up in the hospital with MS that is practically killing her and there isn't anything I can do about and quite frankly I am mad about it, but then it got me thinking and now we can go back to the whole influencing peoples lives.

I am a firm believer that people are introduced to others at a certain time because that is the needed time, much like when our bodies makes us aware that antibiotics, vitamins, etc are needed, it also tells us when people are needed. You see my sister has been my sister for 26.25 years. and it wasn't til recently that we had even started "influencing" each others lives...does that mean that the other 25 years were wasted? absolutely not! it simply means that there wasn't a need until now. and no I am not saying that because she is sick is the need! I am just saying that people are brought to the lime light of ones live at the precise moment they are needed.

Whether or not they stay apart of your life is part of the maintenance aspect of every relationship. every interactions has different degrees of "intimacy" and not in the sexual aspect. I recently had a conversation with a friend and the definitely put things into perspective. Allowing yourself to be hurt, (because lets face it, that is a normal and healthy human thing to do) doesn't make you a crappy friend or a weak person and don't mean you are in love with someone.  You can love someone, be hurt by someone,  be intimate (cuddles, laughs, hugs, dancing, and share the same bed) with someone, with out being in love with them. Its just a different degree of friendship, its trust, love, patience, and understanding.its called intimate friendship. To not be hurt by something someone this close to you does cheapens the friendship.

with me?

If you couldn't tell Tonight I had a lot of thinking time, and for the first time in a while I am excited to spend the next two days at work where I can forget all this stuff and focus on other peoples issues.

I am grateful for all my relationships, the acquaintances, the family, the best friends, the intimate friends, the neighbors, the co-workers. tonight I let go of some anger that was bottling up inside, and I am okay with some things that I was battling inside. *sigh*

Have a good night y'all. You all come back now ya hear???



The Curse

We heard the tale since we were young,
Heard the songs that have been sung,
About an evil spell.

Someone beautiful is cursed
We feel sad through every verse
Til a kiss and all is well

The message that no one can teach
Is clearer to someone like me

There is no curse or evil spell
That's worse than one we give ourselves
There is no sorceror as cruel,
As the proud and angry fool.

And yet, we cry life isn't fair
Beneath our cries the truth is there

A power that will break the spell
We should know very well
Is locked within ourselves

Yet we'd rather blame,
And curse our faith and change
We run from everyone to hide from the pain
And all the shame

The story long we knew it well
About a wretched evil spell
A power that will break this curse
Oh I know all too well
Is locked within myself


Go ahead, watch it!

I will wait, and then come back and read my random rants.

Okay so now that you and I are in the same mind frame, hear me out. This whole turning old business has really gotten me thinking about some of the messed up thinking that I have. flash back with me to last year.....

Last year was the first time that I let more than one or two people into my life, as far as friendships. It was SUPER hard as I always felt that they would get to know me until they no longer needed me or until they found out how warped I was. These beautiful friends have come to be some of the closest people in my life and I am so grateful for them "Little Indian", G$, and Elyse. There was Lis, but sadly we grew apart mostly because of pride and hurt (oh how I miss her sometimes). But then walked in some other person. Right from the beginning I could tell that I could trust them.... and so it began... the year of insuperable times and fun! I adore this person and have come to know them, be there for them, practically adopt them into the family. They too have been there for me more than I could ever expect and or want, and I know that things will always be like this no matter what comes along.

OKAY.... back to real time....

I said all that because I am battling the urge to just shut everyone out. Its what I do, its my comfort zone. But they are too good of friends to just let that happen, but with others its hard not too.... I feel exactly like the song says, its all locked inside of myself. and up until recently I tended to keep it that way. No I am not "cursed" like the "monster" in the song is, but I do have troubles with attaching to people because more often than not they leave.

Well to that I say the following:

Please don't think you need to leave to fulfill the things you have that is already in front of you.
Please don't forget to remember that there are people who love you, who need you, who will be there for you just like they always have.
Please remember that you are loved here.
Please don't walk away from the people who have been there for you to run to others who haven't invested what the people here have! They have been here through your tears, and heart aches, laughs, giggles, hangovers, snuggles, cuddles, and good times.
Please don't be a proud angry fool.
Please love yourself as much as others do!

OKay okay so this blog didn't all flow together as I hoped it would but HEY! its my blog and I will write what I want!

More to come.


31 years

Yes, yes that is correct 31 years ago (this sunday) will mark the day the world was blessed with my presence!!!!

Okay jokes aside, i am super excited yet nervous about this birthday. I am fighting the social battle of utah of not being married or having 9.4 children by this time in my life but let me tell you something, i honestly know for a fact that i was ready for a relationship in my life. Yes, i have dated some people but nothing ever came from them because i wasn't ready. So, really it is my fault, but i am super grateful for it because i have learned what it is that i want in a relationship. I won't say what i want from a relationship because the word from implies that i will one day be walking away and i don't intend on doing that. No i am not saying that i will never have another break up but i know that i don't want to go into a relationship thinking that i will fail at yet another one. It will be different this year i can feel it.

So for this year for my birthday, i have decided to copy cat some of my friends and what they have done in the past and do 31 random of acts of kindness this birthday weekend. The final list hasn't been made but when it is i will post it for you to read.

I really should get better at blogging, its so relaxing and it gives me something to do and put my thoughts into words. I have tons more to tell you readers (assuming I have them) but i am going to leave you tonight with this quote :

In life you’ll realize there is a purpose for everyone you meet.  Some will test you, some will use you, and some will teach you.  But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.

Good night my dear friends, 

I will write again soon! 



The future

Have you ever had moments when you REALLY wanted something to work out and you know without a shadow of a doubt that it is what is supposed to be happening right now? but you would like just a 2 sec glipse of the future to make sure you were right?  ya, well i am living that moment right now and have been for the past 18 months. I KNOW!!!! that this is good thing, but i hesitate to pursue it because of the state of vulnerability it will put me in but i have thought long and hard about it and this is totally worth the risk! Now to just set things in motion. Take the ball back and finally just do it!

You all are probably wondering what the crap i am talking about. well let me tell you. I happen to be talking about a young man who has had my attention for quite sometime. I got SUPER brave one time and just laid it out on the table, but since then have boxed it carefully in a cute little box with a bow and have kept it hidden way for about a year now. but its time to open that little box and let whatever happens just happen. I have matured (no laughing) and have done some "wing spreading" in the last little bit, i know what i don't want in a relationship and i would like to think that i know what i want too. but when all is said and done, this is just seems to be a good thing.

Sorry for the lack of details but i will fill the rest in my journal, you can all read it when i die! plus i sorta need to talk to him, plus there is a slight chance said person will read it... hee hee, kind of my plan to get things started without being so hesitant.

Wish Me Luck!!