911 whats your emergency?

I totally saw this tonight! oh man it was terrifying, but I called 911 and reported this driver and then spent a wonderful hour of my time with the police officers to see if this girls was gonna be able to drive again. I filled out an incident report and I am so trained from work that I corrected my errors as if they were ones written at work... oh well. I don't know what happened to her cause I left after I gave my side of the story, but they def think she is on something and had called in the DEA for one of their tests.

The day back at work was a good one... some ups and some downs but overall I was grateful to be back at work.

That's all I got tonight, I am sorry, hopefully I will be able to write more tomorrow.


The meaning of life

Here is another thing I have been thinking about....

Have you ever wondered if you have influenced peoples lives? I have. but I also KNOW that I have influenced peoples lives. but before I go into all that let me start with something negative based....

I hate hate hate hate hate loath the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. For that very reason is the reason why I work a bazillion hours and the reason I shut people out (see previous post). I do all that because then I don't have time to feel this way. But alas I know that it is not healthy to avoid situations all the time, but seriously it is the most annoying feeling in the world to not be able to help people. My sister is laid up in the hospital with MS that is practically killing her and there isn't anything I can do about and quite frankly I am mad about it, but then it got me thinking and now we can go back to the whole influencing peoples lives.

I am a firm believer that people are introduced to others at a certain time because that is the needed time, much like when our bodies makes us aware that antibiotics, vitamins, etc are needed, it also tells us when people are needed. You see my sister has been my sister for 26.25 years. and it wasn't til recently that we had even started "influencing" each others lives...does that mean that the other 25 years were wasted? absolutely not! it simply means that there wasn't a need until now. and no I am not saying that because she is sick is the need! I am just saying that people are brought to the lime light of ones live at the precise moment they are needed.

Whether or not they stay apart of your life is part of the maintenance aspect of every relationship. every interactions has different degrees of "intimacy" and not in the sexual aspect. I recently had a conversation with a friend and the definitely put things into perspective. Allowing yourself to be hurt, (because lets face it, that is a normal and healthy human thing to do) doesn't make you a crappy friend or a weak person and don't mean you are in love with someone.  You can love someone, be hurt by someone,  be intimate (cuddles, laughs, hugs, dancing, and share the same bed) with someone, with out being in love with them. Its just a different degree of friendship, its trust, love, patience, and understanding.its called intimate friendship. To not be hurt by something someone this close to you does cheapens the friendship.

with me?

If you couldn't tell Tonight I had a lot of thinking time, and for the first time in a while I am excited to spend the next two days at work where I can forget all this stuff and focus on other peoples issues.

I am grateful for all my relationships, the acquaintances, the family, the best friends, the intimate friends, the neighbors, the co-workers. tonight I let go of some anger that was bottling up inside, and I am okay with some things that I was battling inside. *sigh*

Have a good night y'all. You all come back now ya hear???



The Curse

We heard the tale since we were young,
Heard the songs that have been sung,
About an evil spell.

Someone beautiful is cursed
We feel sad through every verse
Til a kiss and all is well

The message that no one can teach
Is clearer to someone like me

There is no curse or evil spell
That's worse than one we give ourselves
There is no sorceror as cruel,
As the proud and angry fool.

And yet, we cry life isn't fair
Beneath our cries the truth is there

A power that will break the spell
We should know very well
Is locked within ourselves

Yet we'd rather blame,
And curse our faith and change
We run from everyone to hide from the pain
And all the shame

The story long we knew it well
About a wretched evil spell
A power that will break this curse
Oh I know all too well
Is locked within myself


Go ahead, watch it!

I will wait, and then come back and read my random rants.

Okay so now that you and I are in the same mind frame, hear me out. This whole turning old business has really gotten me thinking about some of the messed up thinking that I have. flash back with me to last year.....

Last year was the first time that I let more than one or two people into my life, as far as friendships. It was SUPER hard as I always felt that they would get to know me until they no longer needed me or until they found out how warped I was. These beautiful friends have come to be some of the closest people in my life and I am so grateful for them "Little Indian", G$, and Elyse. There was Lis, but sadly we grew apart mostly because of pride and hurt (oh how I miss her sometimes). But then walked in some other person. Right from the beginning I could tell that I could trust them.... and so it began... the year of insuperable times and fun! I adore this person and have come to know them, be there for them, practically adopt them into the family. They too have been there for me more than I could ever expect and or want, and I know that things will always be like this no matter what comes along.

OKAY.... back to real time....

I said all that because I am battling the urge to just shut everyone out. Its what I do, its my comfort zone. But they are too good of friends to just let that happen, but with others its hard not too.... I feel exactly like the song says, its all locked inside of myself. and up until recently I tended to keep it that way. No I am not "cursed" like the "monster" in the song is, but I do have troubles with attaching to people because more often than not they leave.

Well to that I say the following:

Please don't think you need to leave to fulfill the things you have that is already in front of you.
Please don't forget to remember that there are people who love you, who need you, who will be there for you just like they always have.
Please remember that you are loved here.
Please don't walk away from the people who have been there for you to run to others who haven't invested what the people here have! They have been here through your tears, and heart aches, laughs, giggles, hangovers, snuggles, cuddles, and good times.
Please don't be a proud angry fool.
Please love yourself as much as others do!

OKay okay so this blog didn't all flow together as I hoped it would but HEY! its my blog and I will write what I want!

More to come.


31 years

Yes, yes that is correct 31 years ago (this sunday) will mark the day the world was blessed with my presence!!!!

Okay jokes aside, i am super excited yet nervous about this birthday. I am fighting the social battle of utah of not being married or having 9.4 children by this time in my life but let me tell you something, i honestly know for a fact that i was ready for a relationship in my life. Yes, i have dated some people but nothing ever came from them because i wasn't ready. So, really it is my fault, but i am super grateful for it because i have learned what it is that i want in a relationship. I won't say what i want from a relationship because the word from implies that i will one day be walking away and i don't intend on doing that. No i am not saying that i will never have another break up but i know that i don't want to go into a relationship thinking that i will fail at yet another one. It will be different this year i can feel it.

So for this year for my birthday, i have decided to copy cat some of my friends and what they have done in the past and do 31 random of acts of kindness this birthday weekend. The final list hasn't been made but when it is i will post it for you to read.

I really should get better at blogging, its so relaxing and it gives me something to do and put my thoughts into words. I have tons more to tell you readers (assuming I have them) but i am going to leave you tonight with this quote :

In life you’ll realize there is a purpose for everyone you meet.  Some will test you, some will use you, and some will teach you.  But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.

Good night my dear friends, 

I will write again soon!