so this week has been absolutely crazy, not necessarily a bad week, but a crazy one.

My job is down sizing to save money on the corporate end and quite frankly its stupid how that all works, i mean honestly i poor my heart and soul into my job sometimes working ridiculous hours, and i know that others work just as hard if not harder at their own jobs, but man its taking its toll... so yeah i have to make the transition from my day treatment to a residential facility, which i don't believe as much in their program as i do the day treatment. i am scared shitless because i won't be the head staff anymore. Now granted it never takes me too long to get in some kind of management position (i know it sounds cocky, but its totally true!) the nice thing about it is that it is only about 6 minutes from my house again, gotta look at the bright side right.

So i am having some surgical work done---yay for me, hopefully it will eliminate and reverse some of the stupid choices that i made in the past. but i am scared about that too, anytime i have to have an i v, yeah scared!!!

my best friend and i haven't talked the last couple days (well mostly because i haven't had my phone) but it hurts. most of it hurts because i feel like i have lost her over boys--- and we have been through this a thousand times. i can't say much more because there is just something about emails, texts, blogs, blah blah blah that makes people think that you are yelling or bitching or something when really you are just talking. i won't go back to him by the way----

my parents are struggling at their own marriage and that makes things tough too watch. they have been married for 27 years and it seems like with each passing year they grow farther and farther apart, they have been through a lot together-- and my dad doesn't know i know half stuff that i do, but my biggest fear is that they won't be together much longer, my dad is always looking to better his income, his job, his status and its almost like he doesn't care if it doesn't better the family that its making us all crazy that he does it, and then there is my mom, love her to death but she needs to stick up for herself.

crazy crazy crazy,

they just got home from a wrestling meet so i will write more later....




Have you ever just wondered why the hell you even try? no seriously, everyone and their dog tells you to do things that make you happy, but seriously that is not really what they mean. What it really means is you better make all the right choices or else there are going to be a thousand people that will hate your guts if you make the wrong decisions. How dare someone say "do what makes you happy" thats a chicken shit way of saying "HAHAHAHAHAHAH YOU ARE STUPID!!!!" anyways....

if you want to make deals, then keep your end of the bargin... it just doesn't make sense to me that someone would yell and scream at your for something you did but they can go out and do something just as equally if not more stupid than the decision you made, grrr....

my phone got turned off today and i can't say that i am sad or mad about it, perhaps it will give me a break from the drama of the world... seriously people... i am tired of being told i am a liar, stupid decision maker, drama queen--- yeah i have a lot going on in the next few weeks, but dammit i am entitled to be a little STRESSEDD!!!!!!!!!


so my previous post was written when i was pissed!!! do i regret saying the things i did? no, however my heart is broken because the same things happens over and over again. I need to go to "communicate with people better school" I am the type of person that thinks that if i don't say "HEY YOU F'ING MORON!!! I HATE YOU LEAVE ME ALONE" then i automatically assume that everyone knows that things are okay. oh well i suppose sometimes i will learn but i still stand by my letter to the men in the world!!!



i am being punished...

and quite frankly i am pissed off about it....

so i recently i just back together with an ex, i really tried hard to be a better girlfriend this time around. i went against the odds of my family and friends telling me not to get back with him. Everything was fine, we spent the new year together. i went there just yesterday and i thought everything was grand, BOY WAS I STUPID AND NAIVE. On our way out to grab something to eat i started to go numb in my legs, and it started to freak him out, (its a normal thing for me so i don't think its a big deal) but he said it freaked him out, we went upstairs to leave and he dropped the line "can i be honest with you" and i panicked, i expected to hear something like i cheated on you and you are dumb enough to feed into the whole thing. however, he stated that we moved back into the relationship thingy way too fast and he felt that he wasn't good enough for me because i worked hard to be where i am. meaning because i have a degree and a job and am financially sound (bunch a bull shit) so i left. totally distraught and feeling like it was something i had done wrong. He assured me that it wasn't me but it was him feeling that he was dragging me down.
i went to work today and could do nothing but think of everything and how stupid it all was, i wanted answers dammit, i at least deserved that, soooo naturally on my way home from work i call him and ask him what happened or what i did wrong this time. He said that he wanted to be the one to be on top and be the contributing factor to all the finances and yadda yadda yadda. I then let him have it, and my side of the conversation was as follows "I am being punished because i am older!!! had i met you two years ago, i wouldn't have had my degree and everything would have been different, i know that for a fact! its your insecurities that keep "us" from happening becauase you like most guys want some stupid ditzy blonde wife that sits on your arm, waves to people, and bares children, instead of someone who is intelligent and willing to make something of herself. You are right, i have worked hard to be where i am and i still struggle, i live in a room in my parents house for hells sake, so yes i am smart and i am intelligent and i am pretty, and i deserve someone who isn't insecure and can be man enough to let ME be smart and funny."
so tell me was i wrong in saying all that? my mom told me last night that i shouldn't tell people i have a degree because it intimidates people and i had to hold my tongue to not say "why the hell should i be ashamed of who i am?" its not like i go around shoving the fact that i have a degree in everyones face, (i am not like my relatives significant others) if they ask, yes i am proud to tell them, but however i guess i am supposed to say "nope, no degree, no education, no mind of my own, as a matter of fact i will only do what you ask, please insert a quarter in my ass so that i can function properly and stroke your ego and make you feel like the man!"
oooooh i am so mad,
to whom it may concern meaning all the guys in the world:

When you have the balls to tell yourself that it is okay for a woman to be smart and funny and fairly attractive instead of stupid and drop dead gorgeous, then you can talk to me, otherwise leave your insecurities far far away from me. I am done trying to change the person i am, i want to be able to help my children with their homework and not have to wait for the big bad man to come home and rescue a damsel in distress, i will never make you feel in adequate, i will let you open the door and i won't outshine you in front of your boss, i won't tell your family that i can kick you butt at jeopardy, and i won't tell your co workers that i got my degree before you, but seriously, get a life and accept me for the smart, damn straight up funny, and attractive girl.!!!!!

Thank you,


2008? ugh!!

Well cyberland!! happy new year, although not quite sure i want to face 2008. As the clock struck twelve that night, i was happy, surrounded by people that love me, but i couldn't help but think of the year i left behind and the year to come... quite frankly it makes me sad.... i turned 25 last summer when i had to move home, i loved living on my own, it was fun and free, but couldn't pay ALL ten billion bills between my roommate and i we had a bazillion dollars in doctor visits... sucks to be sick. i switched to a new job last January, and moved quickly to lead supervisor and had to be in charge of the show, (don't get me wrong i love to be in charge), however lost most of my staff due to their own stupid assess. i have had many relationships this past year and have made some bold yet non regrettable moves, i have dated old guys and some young Jewish ones. i have paid off some bills and started new ones, i have over come some fears but gained a whole new set.... do i look forward to this coming year? NO i am a nervous basket case who is emotionally unstable and can snap any time, so those of who read this and know me, i don't mean to bite your heads off, but seriously i have toooooooo much on my plate most of the time. i am tired but will write more later... i like this blogging...