You know i have tons and tons of stuff to say tonight but i don't really want to say any of them because tomorrow when i wake up i will regret saying half them and feel way worse than i do now.
Tonight was an upsetting night, please don't ask for details because it is painful and hurtful and very near and dear to my heart. However it has me questioning a lot of things and placing a huge amount of guilt, burden, and shame upon myself. Tonight is the first night that i have hated my job... and to be perfectly honest it wasn't about the job at all. The little angels i work with weren't all that bad and i love the team i work with, but i hated it because it is keeping me away from being there when others need me the most. If i hadn't have pursued the shift lead jobs and gone to working 5 nights a week instead of just 2 days a week then i would not be in the predicament that i am in. i would be where i feel i am needed more. This job is very rewarding, i love my kids as if they were my own, I cry with them, i laugh with them (sometimes i laugh at them). i grow with them i teach them but most importantly i learn from them. However tonight i find myself feeling torn between them and this situation. I realize that i cannot control what this has done, but i feel if i didn't take the position that things would be different. Like i said i won't say the mean things i want to because tonight i am hateful and angry.
My mom has always taught me that i had 24 hours to stew over things and then i needed to move on.... well i can do a lot of damage in that amount of time. I mean most of it will be emotional damage and torment to myself because that is what i do... its kind of like that scene in Liar Liar where he beats himself up... but only emotionally. Cause i am super good at that!!!