DANGER, Will Robinson

I have a reputation of, well, lack of a better terms, being a bitchy. Someone who doesn't get a long well with others, a person with a bit of an anger problem. Medication has helped mellow me out a bit, but i still have no problems chewing you up and spitting you right back out if i feel you need this to happen.

Now just read the rest with an open heart. I am not asking for help because everyone will give me 3000 different words of advice, but  rather i am asking for you support in the changes that i am making and want to make in my life. Here are some reasons, some explanations if you will for my attitude problem. Remember that these are not excuses...

1. I have been made fun of my entire life (i mean really who hasn't?) for my weight, my hair, my sense of style, recently cause i am old and not reproducing children. Because of this i have always felt that i had to stand my ground, be the tough guy, act like i am okay with the harsh words that sting like a stab wound.

 The tough guy thingy brings me to my next point

2. I have taught myself and have grown accustomed that i have the mentality of a guarded person. you know the whole "if i push people out or not even let them in at all then it’ll save me from being left alone or pushed out later."

Which leads into

3. Relationships... I have felt that i had to be mean, bossy, and cocky so that i look with it and confident and content with the single life (the truth is i am not and i hate every moment of it). but i refuse to be an airhead when i am smart, refuse to be used for sex when i have so much more to offer, refuse to be taken advantage of when i give a lot in the few relationships i have had. This whole attitude problem of mine has left me so sad and alone *sigh*

4. I HATE HATE HATE HATE losing. seriously it gets on my last nerve. and beacuse of this combined with my anger issue i am in a lose lose situation. If have to compete with the skinny beezies (which face it, Utah is the mother load of them!) Then i am already out and again i will leave before i am left. I can't just change the way i look over night. Yes i know i am pretty. i do, i have good hair, skin... ya know. but compared to others....ya FAIL!!!! i don't have many cute clothes... so its the same 4 outfits or naked and ya again FAIL with a capital F. and no i am not going to start a Utah chapter of Chubby Chasers....

I AM sad about it all really. I don't know how to just change 31 years of hurt, anger, jealousy, and learned attitude. My dear sweet friends have helped a lot. They stuck with it, broke through the walls, and they get to expierence me....under all the hurt and hate. ya i promise she is there.