i am sure i am living a nervous breakdown

these past three weeks have been nothing but one blow after the other. I have been so confused with life that i don't know what to do with myself. I have learned a lot about who i am and what limits i can take. i have cried more at work this week then i have the whole year i have been there. luckily i work where there are therapists on call all the time and a doctor is there once a week. soooo i have been able to get the help as far as that is concerned at no cost to me. I have heard some news about the past and about friends who have said mean things about me-- yeah i know it happened 8 years ago, but man that was tough to hear, you never know someone really and i suppose that is what is so frustrating, i want to be able to just let people know how i feel and vice versa and not hear how much people didn't like me and who slept with who-- i just don't get it, i have battled a self esteem issue pretty much my whole life and for some reason i thought i was doing better with it all but with a recent break up and the holidays and stresses from work and the mysterious ghost from my past making a bitter sweet appearance in my life (thank you and i love you) i over looked that i still STRONGLY dislike ME. I work all day long with kids who are troubled and need constant structure and yet i can't help myself. Part of it came when my boss told me that i was authoritative, right and thats okay but in front of the clients? honestly i was crushed and it made seriously question whether or not i was meant for the job, i have gone almost an entire year without falling apart and so i suppose i should give myself credit where it is deserved because that is pretty good considering the field i work in. Luckily i have really good staff now people who support me and help me... so that is good. needless to say i am looking forward to the christmas break. i think little kids are hilarious, the other night we went to a wrestling meet for my brother max (16) in orem. He won by the way,.. GOOD JOB KID! anyways so my family and i went to taco bell, where of course my littlest brother rowdy (4) had to use the restroom. my dad took him there and then when he came out he announced the world that he peed through his flap in his underwear, and wanted to show mommy and leslie, pulled down his pants and luckily mom stopped him before the whole world has a demonstration. He then asked my sister (7) if she had underwear on and to go pee through the flap, my sister said i don't have a flap and rowdy proceeded to tell her that she wasn't special.. oh man that was sooo funny---- kids say the darndest things. I am excited for christmas although i still have one gift to get and i don't have the slightest idea what the hell i am going to get so if this person is reading this then tell me what to get you!!!!!

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