protective instincts...

Okay so as i journey through this little path to become a better person, a better friend, and better collegue, a better daughter, and an overall better person i had a self discovery moment this weekend. well two of them, okay scratch that THREE!!! of them.

One is my nephew, i am sorry, i will kill if anyone touches, harms, thinks about harming, scolds, ignores, yells, or hurts him outside the scope of parenthood. I love him with all my heart and will die in heart beat protecting him.I guess this also goes for my family, too. I have had to defend my momma plenty o times and get very upset when people talk to her like they don't have any manners! same as my siblings, we may not always get a long and i may not like them, but you or any body else are not allowed to be mean to them. (thats my job!) but for real....keep your hands, feet, thoughts, feelings and emotions to yourself when it comes to my family or  you will die.

Another is my kiddos at work. I find myself having to fight for them on numerous occasions and if that means i have to be all mean and nasty on the radio frequencies than i will do just that i will make sure that they are treated fairly and equally as everyone else. They are not the best kids around but they are more respectful than others out there and by golly they are my not so best kids so yes i will defend them too. I will protect them too. 

The other is my friends. First of all i don't have all that many close friends but the ones that i do have in my own little circle are some the best people i know and let me tell you why. They will do anything to help you. They will move your entire apartment because you can't do so. They will hold you why you cry over a guy for the 900 time in two years. They will be at your side when you tell them to go away. They will cook you mac n cheese at 3 in the morning just because that is your most favorite food in the whole wide world. The guys tell me how beautiful us girls are on a daily basis, even if don't have my teeth in yet. The guys treat us like princesses, like we are worth something. it truly is amazing. this past weekend two of my close friends had some pretty craptastic things happen to them... and let me tell you, i had no problems knowing that if i acted to save one that i might have go to jail. I was okay with this, they would do it for me! The other was devastated and heartbroken and dammit that not nice girl made him cry... oh believe me its a good thing i don't know her or where she lives cause i would have busted out the brass knuckles and said hello to her face and throat a couple of times!!!

So there you have it folks, i am not "witchy" at all.  i scored in the 98% percentile of protective instincts. 

My report card on life i give myself an F!

You know i have tons and tons of stuff to say tonight but i don't really want to say any of them because tomorrow when i wake up i will regret saying half them and feel way worse than i do now.
 Tonight was an upsetting night, please don't ask for details because it is painful and hurtful and very near and dear to my heart. However it has me questioning a lot of things and placing a huge amount of guilt, burden, and shame upon myself. Tonight is the first night that i have hated my job... and to be perfectly honest it wasn't about the job at all. The little angels i work with weren't all that bad and i love the team i work with, but i hated it because it is keeping me away from being there when others need me the most. If i hadn't have pursued the shift lead jobs and gone to working 5 nights a week instead of just 2 days a week then i would not be in the predicament that i am in. i would be where i feel i am needed more. This job is very rewarding, i love my kids as if they were my own, I cry with them, i laugh with them (sometimes i laugh at them). i grow with them i teach them but most importantly i learn from them. However tonight i find myself feeling torn between them and this situation. I realize that i cannot control what this has done, but i feel if i didn't take the position that things would be different. Like i said i won't say the mean things i want to because tonight i am hateful and angry.
My mom has always taught me that i had 24 hours to stew over things and then i needed to move on.... well i can do a lot of damage in that amount of time. I mean most of it will be emotional damage and torment to myself because that is what i do... its kind of like that scene in Liar Liar where he beats himself up... but only emotionally. Cause i am super good at that!!! 
 

I didn't write this but I fully support this message

Don’t Apologize for Your Opinions

One thing that always bothers me, is when intelligent, thoughtful people; feel it is necessary to apologize for their ideas and opinions… or for even having ideas and opinions at all (much less opinions contrary to those around them, or which are unpopular).

You don’t have to apologize for your views to anyone, for any reason. They are yours (or at least, they should be… if they aren’t… if you’re just repeating things you’ve been told, or you don’t really understand or believe what you’re saying… well, you’ve got a different problem entirely).

Right or wrong, you have the right to an opinion (I don’t have to listen to you, but I can’t tell you you can’t have them); and unless you are violating others rights in doing so, you have the right to express those views openly, and to act on them appropriately.

The first freedom, is freedom of conscience. Without freedom of conscience, we are not men.

However, having and expressing views, carries an element of responsibility and duty with it.

First you must understand, you have the right to your own opinions, but not your own facts. If facts contradict your opinions, facts win, no matter what you think or what you want; and whether you recognize it or not. Reality is a harsh mistress, and it doesn’t respect your ideas, your opinions, your preferences, or your feelings… Reality respects only fact.

Before you express them publicly, you must always understand your own views as deeply and comprehensively as possible; including both the first principles which are their foundation, and the implications and consequences of them (as well as understanding that there will always be unforseen and unintended effects and consequences, to any action or decision).

You should always be prepared to defend your views; with both this understanding of them, and with examples from reality, when challenged. If you are unable to do this, you risk discrediting your views even if they are entirely and provably correct, simply because you were unable to effectively defend them (this is a very common problem unfortunately).

Finally, you must accept that your views may be wrong; and if proven (by either reasoning or reality) to be incorrect, incomplete, or improperly understood; you must be able to re-examine, and revise, or even replace them.

If you are incapable of this, emotionally or intellectually, you need not apologize for your views… but you certainly should not inflict them on others.

oh you sly frog you

So my mom always sang this song to me when i was little and i was always so excited to hear it. and i remember watching it on the Muppet show (yes that is how old i am) but anyways here is the song....

Why are there so many
Songs about rainbows?
And what's on the other side
Rainbows are visions
But only illusions
And rainbows have nothing to hide
So we've been told
And some choose to believe it
I know they're wrong wait and see
Someday we'll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me

Who said that every wish
Would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star
Somebody thought of that
And someone believed it
Look what it's done so far
What's so amazing
That keeps us star-gazing?
And what do we think we might see
Someday we'll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me


Have you been half asleep
And have you heard voices
I've heard them calling my name
Is this the sweet sound
That calls the young sailors
The voice might be one and the same
I've heard it too many times to ignore it
It's something that I'm supposed to be
Someday we'll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me

DANGER, Will Robinson

I have a reputation of, well, lack of a better terms, being a bitchy. Someone who doesn't get a long well with others, a person with a bit of an anger problem. Medication has helped mellow me out a bit, but i still have no problems chewing you up and spitting you right back out if i feel you need this to happen.

Now just read the rest with an open heart. I am not asking for help because everyone will give me 3000 different words of advice, but  rather i am asking for you support in the changes that i am making and want to make in my life. Here are some reasons, some explanations if you will for my attitude problem. Remember that these are not excuses...

1. I have been made fun of my entire life (i mean really who hasn't?) for my weight, my hair, my sense of style, recently cause i am old and not reproducing children. Because of this i have always felt that i had to stand my ground, be the tough guy, act like i am okay with the harsh words that sting like a stab wound.

 The tough guy thingy brings me to my next point

2. I have taught myself and have grown accustomed that i have the mentality of a guarded person. you know the whole "if i push people out or not even let them in at all then it’ll save me from being left alone or pushed out later."

Which leads into

3. Relationships... I have felt that i had to be mean, bossy, and cocky so that i look with it and confident and content with the single life (the truth is i am not and i hate every moment of it). but i refuse to be an airhead when i am smart, refuse to be used for sex when i have so much more to offer, refuse to be taken advantage of when i give a lot in the few relationships i have had. This whole attitude problem of mine has left me so sad and alone *sigh*

4. I HATE HATE HATE HATE losing. seriously it gets on my last nerve. and beacuse of this combined with my anger issue i am in a lose lose situation. If have to compete with the skinny beezies (which face it, Utah is the mother load of them!) Then i am already out and again i will leave before i am left. I can't just change the way i look over night. Yes i know i am pretty. i do, i have good hair, skin... ya know. but compared to others....ya FAIL!!!! i don't have many cute clothes... so its the same 4 outfits or naked and ya again FAIL with a capital F. and no i am not going to start a Utah chapter of Chubby Chasers....

I AM sad about it all really. I don't know how to just change 31 years of hurt, anger, jealousy, and learned attitude. My dear sweet friends have helped a lot. They stuck with it, broke through the walls, and they get to expierence me....under all the hurt and hate. ya i promise she is there.