Yes, yes that is correct 31 years ago (this sunday) will mark the day the world was blessed with my presence!!!!
Okay jokes aside, i am super excited yet nervous about this birthday. I am fighting the social battle of utah of not being married or having 9.4 children by this time in my life but let me tell you something, i honestly know for a fact that i was ready for a relationship in my life. Yes, i have dated some people but nothing ever came from them because i wasn't ready. So, really it is my fault, but i am super grateful for it because i have learned what it is that i want in a relationship. I won't say what i want from a relationship because the word from implies that i will one day be walking away and i don't intend on doing that. No i am not saying that i will never have another break up but i know that i don't want to go into a relationship thinking that i will fail at yet another one. It will be different this year i can feel it.
So for this year for my birthday, i have decided to copy cat some of my friends and what they have done in the past and do 31 random of acts of kindness this birthday weekend. The final list hasn't been made but when it is i will post it for you to read.
I really should get better at blogging, its so relaxing and it gives me something to do and put my thoughts into words. I have tons more to tell you readers (assuming I have them) but i am going to leave you tonight with this quote :
In life you’ll realize there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you, and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
Good night my dear friends,
I will write again soon!
-Leslie
6.11.2013
1.11.2013
The future
Have you ever had moments when you REALLY wanted something to work out and you know without a shadow of a doubt that it is what is supposed to be happening right now? but you would like just a 2 sec glipse of the future to make sure you were right? ya, well i am living that moment right now and have been for the past 18 months. I KNOW!!!! that this is good thing, but i hesitate to pursue it because of the state of vulnerability it will put me in but i have thought long and hard about it and this is totally worth the risk! Now to just set things in motion. Take the ball back and finally just do it!
You all are probably wondering what the crap i am talking about. well let me tell you. I happen to be talking about a young man who has had my attention for quite sometime. I got SUPER brave one time and just laid it out on the table, but since then have boxed it carefully in a cute little box with a bow and have kept it hidden way for about a year now. but its time to open that little box and let whatever happens just happen. I have matured (no laughing) and have done some "wing spreading" in the last little bit, i know what i don't want in a relationship and i would like to think that i know what i want too. but when all is said and done, this is just seems to be a good thing.
Sorry for the lack of details but i will fill the rest in my journal, you can all read it when i die! plus i sorta need to talk to him, plus there is a slight chance said person will read it... hee hee, kind of my plan to get things started without being so hesitant.
Wish Me Luck!!
-Leslie
You all are probably wondering what the crap i am talking about. well let me tell you. I happen to be talking about a young man who has had my attention for quite sometime. I got SUPER brave one time and just laid it out on the table, but since then have boxed it carefully in a cute little box with a bow and have kept it hidden way for about a year now. but its time to open that little box and let whatever happens just happen. I have matured (no laughing) and have done some "wing spreading" in the last little bit, i know what i don't want in a relationship and i would like to think that i know what i want too. but when all is said and done, this is just seems to be a good thing.
Sorry for the lack of details but i will fill the rest in my journal, you can all read it when i die! plus i sorta need to talk to him, plus there is a slight chance said person will read it... hee hee, kind of my plan to get things started without being so hesitant.
Wish Me Luck!!
-Leslie
12.14.2011
Living with anxiety vs dying from a social disease
I don't even know where to start--- every blog always starts out with "i am sorry i haven't written but wow its been crazy"
yes it has been crazy too crazy to fill you all in so you will just have to take my word for it.
Now on the title of my blog. I thought it was quiet fitting. Some of you know that i was diagnosed with agoraphobia. Its nothing more than a label, its not physically ailing or antying to that sort. (i know people who have far worse problems than i do, but this is my blog i can say what i want!!)
One thing that i have really wanted to do is to get over having anxiety. Medications do help to a point but a lot of it has to do with reversing the psychological damage i did to myself. I'd kill for the chance to go back to my college days where i was popular and had things to do and wasn't afraid of big crowds or felt the need to cry every time someone looked at me... but the reality is i can't do that.
A few weeks ago some co-workers invited me to hang out with them late friday night. I have avoided getting together with them solely because of my anxiety. I have gone to go twice to the gathering but chickened out and went home instead. I sat in the parking lot this time and cried and cried and cried cause i couldn't get out of the car. i was a mess. i saw someone i knew and decided walking in with him would put less attention on me and i could just squeeze in and no one would notice... it worked for a while until people realized that i was there and then they started talking to me. I could feel my blood pressure rise and my need to climb under a rock superceded my need to be socialable. Part of the reasn i was panicky was because at work i am a different person. I am confindent, strong, and dependent on noone but myself. I can make rapid decisions in tough situations. I can calm storms that others cower in fear from. This is not the case when it comes to being out in a crowd. I survived the night but found myself avoiding the people that were there while we were at work so that i didn't have to remember that i was actually out of my apartment.
This isn't the only time that something like this has happened,but it has led me to this conclusion: I was dying from a social disease. So know i have to switch-a-roo things around and start living with anxiety. I am just going to have to get over the fact that people will see me cry.. and they will see me cry a lot, thats just what i do, its how i cope, i cry when i am sad, cry when i am mad, cry when i am overwhelmed, cry when i am tired. So thats it, i cry. Deal with it. I have been faced with many anxiety filled events over the last 5 months including the dreaded booth test and restaraunts. I have a friend that we see eachother often but he always insist on sitting in a booth, the first time it happend i almost left, well at least i wanted to but it turns out that i froze. I couldn't move, literally was frozen, i scanned the area for the nearest escape route, but he had already spotted me and told me to come sit down. He knew i was in a state of panic and helped me get over that. Thanks goodness, now i think he does it on purpose.
*random thought* I have met some awesome people through work and am so looking forward to continuin our friendship and helping eachother out.
I like having my own apartment, I started out living with my sister, but she got super sick and had to move home. also we just weren't getting a long and so it was better she move home. Now i have a roommate which is fun. We don't see much of eachother. For the first little while i was excited to come to my parents house because i was comfortable there, i didn't have to be as responsible for things, now i still enjoy coming over but i like having space to call my own. again i am sure this added to my anxiety problems.
I picked up a second job as a substitute teacher- let me tell ya thats an adventure all to good for someone with anxiety but i have done well so far.
well i am sure you are bored to tears, i am writing regularly in a journal so now i will just bring that with me and update my blog.
thanks for reading
yes it has been crazy too crazy to fill you all in so you will just have to take my word for it.
Now on the title of my blog. I thought it was quiet fitting. Some of you know that i was diagnosed with agoraphobia. Its nothing more than a label, its not physically ailing or antying to that sort. (i know people who have far worse problems than i do, but this is my blog i can say what i want!!)
One thing that i have really wanted to do is to get over having anxiety. Medications do help to a point but a lot of it has to do with reversing the psychological damage i did to myself. I'd kill for the chance to go back to my college days where i was popular and had things to do and wasn't afraid of big crowds or felt the need to cry every time someone looked at me... but the reality is i can't do that.
A few weeks ago some co-workers invited me to hang out with them late friday night. I have avoided getting together with them solely because of my anxiety. I have gone to go twice to the gathering but chickened out and went home instead. I sat in the parking lot this time and cried and cried and cried cause i couldn't get out of the car. i was a mess. i saw someone i knew and decided walking in with him would put less attention on me and i could just squeeze in and no one would notice... it worked for a while until people realized that i was there and then they started talking to me. I could feel my blood pressure rise and my need to climb under a rock superceded my need to be socialable. Part of the reasn i was panicky was because at work i am a different person. I am confindent, strong, and dependent on noone but myself. I can make rapid decisions in tough situations. I can calm storms that others cower in fear from. This is not the case when it comes to being out in a crowd. I survived the night but found myself avoiding the people that were there while we were at work so that i didn't have to remember that i was actually out of my apartment.
This isn't the only time that something like this has happened,but it has led me to this conclusion: I was dying from a social disease. So know i have to switch-a-roo things around and start living with anxiety. I am just going to have to get over the fact that people will see me cry.. and they will see me cry a lot, thats just what i do, its how i cope, i cry when i am sad, cry when i am mad, cry when i am overwhelmed, cry when i am tired. So thats it, i cry. Deal with it. I have been faced with many anxiety filled events over the last 5 months including the dreaded booth test and restaraunts. I have a friend that we see eachother often but he always insist on sitting in a booth, the first time it happend i almost left, well at least i wanted to but it turns out that i froze. I couldn't move, literally was frozen, i scanned the area for the nearest escape route, but he had already spotted me and told me to come sit down. He knew i was in a state of panic and helped me get over that. Thanks goodness, now i think he does it on purpose.
*random thought* I have met some awesome people through work and am so looking forward to continuin our friendship and helping eachother out.
I like having my own apartment, I started out living with my sister, but she got super sick and had to move home. also we just weren't getting a long and so it was better she move home. Now i have a roommate which is fun. We don't see much of eachother. For the first little while i was excited to come to my parents house because i was comfortable there, i didn't have to be as responsible for things, now i still enjoy coming over but i like having space to call my own. again i am sure this added to my anxiety problems.
I picked up a second job as a substitute teacher- let me tell ya thats an adventure all to good for someone with anxiety but i have done well so far.
well i am sure you are bored to tears, i am writing regularly in a journal so now i will just bring that with me and update my blog.
thanks for reading
11.03.2011
5.20.2011
The end of the world
Well with all the craze of the end of the world being tomorrow i thought i would blog one last time---HAHAHAHA funny... people who believe that are lame! sorry to offend anyone...
Okay on a serious note that is semi related to that. I have been thinking of things a lot lately mostly have i done everything i wanted to before the world did end? well the answer is no... I have made mistakes and have paid my dues for them. I am in a happy place now letting go of some sins and mistakes finally being able to forgive myself. I have gone to college and got a degree. I have watched the complete circle of life from start to finsish. I have done some amazing things... however the one thing that i havent done is tell the one person i truly loved that i love him. I won't go into many details so please don't ask. I don't want him to know that i still love him... it would be weird... but i have known him since i was little like elementary school and he doesn't read my blog but still no details.
What made me think of this? well honestly American Idol did. Lauren sang the Martina Mcbride song "anyway" and it brought many of my feelings and emotions to the surface! Here are the lyrics:
You can spend your whole life buildin'
Something from nothin'
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway
You can chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway
God is great
But sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway
This world's gone crazy
It's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway
You can love someone with all your heart
For all the right reasons
In a moment they can choose to walk away
Love 'em anyway
God is great
But sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
Yeah - I do it anyway
You can pour your soul out singing
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yea, sing it anyway
Yeah, yeah!
I sing
I dream
I love
anyway
I've printed in green the one section this blog is talking about. I am sure i will write blogs about others. But yes I loved him with every piece of my heart. and i watched them walk away. I have been carrying this for almost 15 years. I truly believe nothing would have come of it if he did know. He has a wife and kids and military career. And if we talk we still say love ya bro and love ya sis. but i know that my heart gave more.
I just now realized that i was holding on to that... never letting go and playing the what if game or the shoulda coulda woulda... but the truth is i need to let go. need to allow others to be loved too...
awww american idol...
Refreshing to let things go.. i have been cleaning house of my emotions and breaking down my wall...
I sing
I dream
I love
anyway
Okay on a serious note that is semi related to that. I have been thinking of things a lot lately mostly have i done everything i wanted to before the world did end? well the answer is no... I have made mistakes and have paid my dues for them. I am in a happy place now letting go of some sins and mistakes finally being able to forgive myself. I have gone to college and got a degree. I have watched the complete circle of life from start to finsish. I have done some amazing things... however the one thing that i havent done is tell the one person i truly loved that i love him. I won't go into many details so please don't ask. I don't want him to know that i still love him... it would be weird... but i have known him since i was little like elementary school and he doesn't read my blog but still no details.
What made me think of this? well honestly American Idol did. Lauren sang the Martina Mcbride song "anyway" and it brought many of my feelings and emotions to the surface! Here are the lyrics:
You can spend your whole life buildin'
Something from nothin'
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway
You can chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway
God is great
But sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway
This world's gone crazy
It's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway
You can love someone with all your heart
For all the right reasons
In a moment they can choose to walk away
Love 'em anyway
God is great
But sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
Yeah - I do it anyway
You can pour your soul out singing
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yea, sing it anyway
Yeah, yeah!
I sing
I dream
I love
anyway
I've printed in green the one section this blog is talking about. I am sure i will write blogs about others. But yes I loved him with every piece of my heart. and i watched them walk away. I have been carrying this for almost 15 years. I truly believe nothing would have come of it if he did know. He has a wife and kids and military career. And if we talk we still say love ya bro and love ya sis. but i know that my heart gave more.
I just now realized that i was holding on to that... never letting go and playing the what if game or the shoulda coulda woulda... but the truth is i need to let go. need to allow others to be loved too...
awww american idol...
Refreshing to let things go.. i have been cleaning house of my emotions and breaking down my wall...
I sing
I dream
I love
anyway
2.07.2011
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE BEST THING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME
Three years ago today my sister had my nephew and my whole life changed forever. He brings me such joy and happiness. I didn't know i can love a nephew so much.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY BOY
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY BOY
1.21.2011
Sneak Peak coming soon
yes folks i am just about done with my introduction to my book--- stay tuned.
12.29.2010
Christmas with a new meaning
This year for Christmas i was able to just sit back and enjoy the whole season instead of just the holiday. It really provided a lot of insight for me and it was humbling. I would like to share with all some of the things that i got:
I got the chance to put together a few handmade gifts. They are the cutest handmade christmas stockings. Each one took about 2-3 months to finish. Impecable detail with sequins and stitching. I was so proud! one was sent to my dear friend in Canada, Her design was Santa and snowman "shopping" in the the woods for a Christmas Tree. The other two were for Doty and her husband. One was tobaggonning (spelling) with a snowman and bear and bunny. The other was a snowman with mail box and such. Super Cute, plus the look on her face was awesome. Cause lets face it she is hard to shop for.
I got the chance to serve. There were several people in our neighborhood that needed just a little pick me up. My mom (chief givesalot) had gotten stuff for them and we went on adventures at like 11 pm and delievered them secretly! it was so much fun.
I got the chance to put some thought into buying a gift for my mom. Those of you who know my mom, she is seriously the worse person to shop for. She has everything and she isnt really materialistic, but yeah it was hard shopping for her. I liked the gift i got her, even though my grandma opened it up.
I got a chance to include people in our family. We had a Christmas Eve party at our house, my dads cousin and uncle and their kids came over and we played bunco. (details of that game later). Plus my cousin Charles came over and it was so fun to have him. I used to spend a lot of time with him when i would go visit family in Denver. So I kind of lost touch with him over the years, he was playful and just enjoyed it.
I got the chance to start a new friendship. LOL!!! this one makes me laugh- I put together a movie basket with the movie Cinderalla man and popcorn and pop and candy for this "boy" who is so shy its not even funny!!! oye... so we will see where this goes.
I Got the chance to be a better person. I worked on Christmas Eve Morning and Christmas Day Swing. It was fun because they are kids without a home. Even though i complain a lot about how hard it is to work with them. They have enough respect for me to recognize the things i do for them. Amazing Expierence.
Well there you have it, my gifts i got. Dont get me wrong i was super spoiled, but that is not what i wanted to dwell on.
Merry Christmas!
I have another post in the making, but i want to share that for new years!
Love all of you.
-Leslie
I got the chance to put together a few handmade gifts. They are the cutest handmade christmas stockings. Each one took about 2-3 months to finish. Impecable detail with sequins and stitching. I was so proud! one was sent to my dear friend in Canada, Her design was Santa and snowman "shopping" in the the woods for a Christmas Tree. The other two were for Doty and her husband. One was tobaggonning (spelling) with a snowman and bear and bunny. The other was a snowman with mail box and such. Super Cute, plus the look on her face was awesome. Cause lets face it she is hard to shop for.
I got the chance to serve. There were several people in our neighborhood that needed just a little pick me up. My mom (chief givesalot) had gotten stuff for them and we went on adventures at like 11 pm and delievered them secretly! it was so much fun.
I got the chance to put some thought into buying a gift for my mom. Those of you who know my mom, she is seriously the worse person to shop for. She has everything and she isnt really materialistic, but yeah it was hard shopping for her. I liked the gift i got her, even though my grandma opened it up.
I got a chance to include people in our family. We had a Christmas Eve party at our house, my dads cousin and uncle and their kids came over and we played bunco. (details of that game later). Plus my cousin Charles came over and it was so fun to have him. I used to spend a lot of time with him when i would go visit family in Denver. So I kind of lost touch with him over the years, he was playful and just enjoyed it.
I got the chance to start a new friendship. LOL!!! this one makes me laugh- I put together a movie basket with the movie Cinderalla man and popcorn and pop and candy for this "boy" who is so shy its not even funny!!! oye... so we will see where this goes.
I Got the chance to be a better person. I worked on Christmas Eve Morning and Christmas Day Swing. It was fun because they are kids without a home. Even though i complain a lot about how hard it is to work with them. They have enough respect for me to recognize the things i do for them. Amazing Expierence.
Well there you have it, my gifts i got. Dont get me wrong i was super spoiled, but that is not what i wanted to dwell on.
Merry Christmas!
I have another post in the making, but i want to share that for new years!
Love all of you.
-Leslie
12.23.2010
I did it AGAIN
Usually i drastically change my hair after i break up with someone, but this time i did it cause it was physically painful to comb my hair so what do you think? I will have to post some of it when it is curly! but i love it.
12.13.2010
My momma
Those of you who know our family know that it wouldn't be the way it is if it wasn't for my mom. The back bone, the heart and the motivation for the whole lot of us. She does so much for all of us and sad to say does it for little thank yous from us. However, did you know how much she does for the people in our neighborhood and our ward? SHE IS AMAZING.
First of all, as you know i work at a youth center. The kids i work with are often not allowed to go home for the holidays. My mom always makes sure they have a Christmas. Has blankets and cards and candy and fruit, just to make sure they wake up with something on Christmas morning. She also befriends neighbors who have otherwise been inside their house and never seen or heard from, but with sneaky perserverance she has managed to get them to talk to her. She is super good at making people feel welcome and not judged. Recently their was a lady in our ward diagnosed with breast cancer. She has three little girls at home and my mom made sure the girls are watched and cared for while their mom recovers from the chemo treatments. She even potty trained the middle one for her in one day! She also has crocehted pink hats for everyone who wants to can wear a hat during church so she isn't the only one wearing one. My mom has a heart of gold and is willing to do anything she can to make sure peoples burdens are lightened. She has done so much for people that i know she has a special place in heaven waiting for her.
I nominated her for the ksl high five clip that the channel 5 news does for people. They chose her and came out to the house today where some her friends and i surprised her with a camera crew and gift basket from a mechanic shop. It was so neat to see her honored by people who love and kind of just make it a special moment for her. There were lots of tears and laughs. It was really a cool day! Anyways the clip will air on friday morning during the 6 am news, the lady said around 620 if any of you are interested in watching and will be posted on ksl.com after that. (i am on there too i am sure the camera added a million pounds.!)
LOVE YOU MOMMA
First of all, as you know i work at a youth center. The kids i work with are often not allowed to go home for the holidays. My mom always makes sure they have a Christmas. Has blankets and cards and candy and fruit, just to make sure they wake up with something on Christmas morning. She also befriends neighbors who have otherwise been inside their house and never seen or heard from, but with sneaky perserverance she has managed to get them to talk to her. She is super good at making people feel welcome and not judged. Recently their was a lady in our ward diagnosed with breast cancer. She has three little girls at home and my mom made sure the girls are watched and cared for while their mom recovers from the chemo treatments. She even potty trained the middle one for her in one day! She also has crocehted pink hats for everyone who wants to can wear a hat during church so she isn't the only one wearing one. My mom has a heart of gold and is willing to do anything she can to make sure peoples burdens are lightened. She has done so much for people that i know she has a special place in heaven waiting for her.
I nominated her for the ksl high five clip that the channel 5 news does for people. They chose her and came out to the house today where some her friends and i surprised her with a camera crew and gift basket from a mechanic shop. It was so neat to see her honored by people who love and kind of just make it a special moment for her. There were lots of tears and laughs. It was really a cool day! Anyways the clip will air on friday morning during the 6 am news, the lady said around 620 if any of you are interested in watching and will be posted on ksl.com after that. (i am on there too i am sure the camera added a million pounds.!)
LOVE YOU MOMMA
11.23.2010
As i sit here and ponder.....
The days have been better for me, i can finally go outside and talk to people without thinking i am going to die! :) i have taken extra care to be thankful this year. Although i am always thankful for the usual, my family, my friends, my health, and my knowledge. But this time of year makes me thankful for more. Ever since my brother decided to join the military i have gone out of my way to say thank you to every military personell i see in uniform. A couple examples, the other day while out to lunch with my nephew and mom, there were two soldiers sitting at a table, without thinking twice i went to personally thank them for every thing that they do for the sacrifice they make on behalf. With tear filled eyes i told them i am grateful for men like them. With a tear in his eye and soft gentle touch to my arm "said no problem ma'am, i am honored to defend you". Another time i was in subway and saw four soldiers there, my first instinct was to say thank you and again with the same response i went one step further and paid for their lunch before they got up there to pay. When the lady told them it was all taken care of he said please "ma'am i insist on paying." The lady said "no sir you don't understand that lady over there has paid for your tab" They approached me and asked if they could pay me back, to which again with tears in my eyes "please don't bother for it is I that needs to pay you back. Its the least i can do for your willingness to serve".
Anyways with that being said, yes i am grateful for the military and they freedoms they provide. I think and pray for them nightly. This poem attached made me cry but explains how i feel.
THANK YOU to those who are willing to serve.
A Different Christmas Poem
By Michael Marks
The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.
The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.
My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.
The sound wasn’t loud, and it wasn’t too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn’t quite know,
Then the sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.
Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.
A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.
“What are you doing?” I asked without fear,
“Come in this moment, it’s freezing out here!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!”
For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts..
To the window that danced with a warm fire’s light
Then he sighed and he said “Its really all right,
I’m out here by choice. I’m here every night.”
“It’s my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.
No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I’m proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
My Gramps died at ‘ Pearl on a day in December,”
Then he sighed, “That’s a Christmas ‘Gram always remembers.”
My dad stood his watch in the jungles of ‘ Nam ‘,
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.
I’ve not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he’s sure got her smile.
Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue… an American flag.
“I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.
I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.
I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother..
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall.”
“So go back inside,” he said, “harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I’ll be all right.”
“But isn’t there something I can do, at the least,
“Give you money,” I asked, “or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for all that you’ve done, For
being away from your wife and your son.”
Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret, “
Just tell us you love us, and never forget.
To fight for our rights back at home while we’re gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.
Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us.
Anyways with that being said, yes i am grateful for the military and they freedoms they provide. I think and pray for them nightly. This poem attached made me cry but explains how i feel.
THANK YOU to those who are willing to serve.
A Different Christmas Poem
By Michael Marks
The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.
The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.
My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.
The sound wasn’t loud, and it wasn’t too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn’t quite know,
Then the sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.
Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.
A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.
“What are you doing?” I asked without fear,
“Come in this moment, it’s freezing out here!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!”
For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts..
To the window that danced with a warm fire’s light
Then he sighed and he said “Its really all right,
I’m out here by choice. I’m here every night.”
“It’s my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.
No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I’m proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
My Gramps died at ‘ Pearl on a day in December,”
Then he sighed, “That’s a Christmas ‘Gram always remembers.”
My dad stood his watch in the jungles of ‘ Nam ‘,
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.
I’ve not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he’s sure got her smile.
Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue… an American flag.
“I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.
I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.
I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother..
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall.”
“So go back inside,” he said, “harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I’ll be all right.”
“But isn’t there something I can do, at the least,
“Give you money,” I asked, “or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for all that you’ve done, For
being away from your wife and your son.”
Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret, “
Just tell us you love us, and never forget.
To fight for our rights back at home while we’re gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.
Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us.
10.15.2010
180/111
Yes ladies and gents, that was my official reading of my blood pressure. i swear i was gonna have a stroke.
Its been an emotional couple months really and i think my body is just getting a chance to really feel it all. I am not okay, i will be, but right now i am not. And since kind of accepting that, its kind of been a little easier to deal with.
We will se how it goes. Anybody know of anyone getting rid of a cello and would like to donate it to a mental health situation?
Its been an emotional couple months really and i think my body is just getting a chance to really feel it all. I am not okay, i will be, but right now i am not. And since kind of accepting that, its kind of been a little easier to deal with.
We will se how it goes. Anybody know of anyone getting rid of a cello and would like to donate it to a mental health situation?
10.11.2010
the bucket list
SO yes, i am a copy cat but you know as i sit here and look at what i have accomplished this far in life (it isn't much but its cool) there are things that i would like to do before i "kick the bucket".so here is a beginning list.
1 Learn to play the cello
2 See and NFL game live
3 Visit the Light houses in Maine
4 Go to London
5 Have a baby
6 Sing the National Anthem at a sports event that no one in my family is playing in
7 Get Fit
8 Give up soda
9 Better yet- give up candy
10 Get a masters
11 Own a House
12 Kiss in the Rain
13 Tell someone i love them and have them say it back and mean it
14 Write my book
15 Compose a song
16 Copy all my moms recipes that i like
17 Keep a Journal
18 Sleep for two days
19 Become Fluent in Sign LAnguage (again)
20 Go on a Cruise
21 Find a Job I really Love
22 Be a Better Friend
23 Jump out of a plane
24 Help a Family in need
25 Follow A Rainbow
26 Visit Hawaii
27 Live in Vegas
28 Go to 15 REAL concerts
29 Learn to ski
30 Take up Golf
31 Make my own Calendar
32 Paint my room Pink
33 Participate in a Rodeo
34 Take a cross country road trip and stop at all the points of interest
35 Get a tatoo
36 Become active in the church again
37 Change my own oil
38 Own a Great Dane
39 Watch the sunset and rise from the same spot with someone special
40 Record my own cd
41 Laugh everyday
42 Say my prayers regularly
43 Get a massage
44 Go dancing in a club
45 Visit Alaska
46 Go back to D.C.
47 Be in a movie
48 Watch all 10 seasons of CSI all in a row
49 Read 5 books a year
50 Re connect with old friends
Thats a good list for now, some of them i may never accomplish, but i can try right?
Wish me luck i will add more when i think of some and cross them off when i get done with them...
woot woot
1 Learn to play the cello
2 See and NFL game live
3 Visit the Light houses in Maine
4 Go to London
5 Have a baby
6 Sing the National Anthem at a sports event that no one in my family is playing in
7 Get Fit
8 Give up soda
9 Better yet- give up candy
10 Get a masters
11 Own a House
12 Kiss in the Rain
13 Tell someone i love them and have them say it back and mean it
14 Write my book
15 Compose a song
16 Copy all my moms recipes that i like
17 Keep a Journal
18 Sleep for two days
19 Become Fluent in Sign LAnguage (again)
20 Go on a Cruise
21 Find a Job I really Love
22 Be a Better Friend
23 Jump out of a plane
24 Help a Family in need
25 Follow A Rainbow
26 Visit Hawaii
27 Live in Vegas
28 Go to 15 REAL concerts
29 Learn to ski
30 Take up Golf
31 Make my own Calendar
32 Paint my room Pink
33 Participate in a Rodeo
34 Take a cross country road trip and stop at all the points of interest
35 Get a tatoo
36 Become active in the church again
37 Change my own oil
38 Own a Great Dane
39 Watch the sunset and rise from the same spot with someone special
40 Record my own cd
41 Laugh everyday
42 Say my prayers regularly
43 Get a massage
44 Go dancing in a club
45 Visit Alaska
46 Go back to D.C.
47 Be in a movie
48 Watch all 10 seasons of CSI all in a row
49 Read 5 books a year
50 Re connect with old friends
Thats a good list for now, some of them i may never accomplish, but i can try right?
Wish me luck i will add more when i think of some and cross them off when i get done with them...
woot woot
10.10.2010
New Hair...
I meant to put this before my last blog but here it is anyway... i felt that i needed to change things, i thought about a tatoo, or a new phone, or something, but instead i decided to change my hair!
so here it is... i love love love love love it. this is a weird pic cause it looks like my hair is uneven but its not its just pulled behind on one side...
so here it is... i love love love love love it. this is a weird pic cause it looks like my hair is uneven but its not its just pulled behind on one side...
Doctor visit
So friday i bucked up and went to the doctor about my anxiety and he says that i have Agoraphobia! i always knew there was something wrong especially now that things got worse with my anxiety.
what is agoraphobia? agoraphobia is a condition where the sufferer becomes anxious in environments that are unfamiliar or where he or she perceives that they have little control. Triggers for this anxiety may include wide open spaces, crowds (social anxiety), or traveling (even short distances). Agoraphobia is often, but not always, compounded by a fear of social embarrassment, as the agoraphobic fears the onset of a panic attack and appearing distraught in public.
I have mixed emotions about it all... i am relieved that i am not going crazy and that there is something wrong with me. I am sad however cause i wasn't like this before.. as a matter of fact i was the shit in college... EVERYONE knew who i was... and i mean EVERYONE. It was awesome. People always knew where i was too. And now even thinking about it makes my blood pressure rise and i went to go hide in the closet.
Doctor says to try out new meds and to go to a therapist. (oh joy!) we will see how that all goes.
Work is stressful, well not really i just wish that all the staff were on the same page. but its an ongoing process and we have made tremendous progress. The doctor says that my fear of failing effects work too, meaning i want everything to be perfect on my shift and when it doesn't go that way it makes it worse for me. But it shall all turn around sometime i am sure.
hmmm i have so much more to say and i am actually feeling well enough to make updates and actually write more on here, not that anyone ever really reads these things.
Til next time...
-leslie
what is agoraphobia? agoraphobia is a condition where the sufferer becomes anxious in environments that are unfamiliar or where he or she perceives that they have little control. Triggers for this anxiety may include wide open spaces, crowds (social anxiety), or traveling (even short distances). Agoraphobia is often, but not always, compounded by a fear of social embarrassment, as the agoraphobic fears the onset of a panic attack and appearing distraught in public.
I have mixed emotions about it all... i am relieved that i am not going crazy and that there is something wrong with me. I am sad however cause i wasn't like this before.. as a matter of fact i was the shit in college... EVERYONE knew who i was... and i mean EVERYONE. It was awesome. People always knew where i was too. And now even thinking about it makes my blood pressure rise and i went to go hide in the closet.
Doctor says to try out new meds and to go to a therapist. (oh joy!) we will see how that all goes.
Work is stressful, well not really i just wish that all the staff were on the same page. but its an ongoing process and we have made tremendous progress. The doctor says that my fear of failing effects work too, meaning i want everything to be perfect on my shift and when it doesn't go that way it makes it worse for me. But it shall all turn around sometime i am sure.
hmmm i have so much more to say and i am actually feeling well enough to make updates and actually write more on here, not that anyone ever really reads these things.
Til next time...
-leslie
3.03.2010
so as it turns out leslie threw a mini princess fit, but it just wasn't over the incident i last wrote about its about relationships in general...
oh well...i can overreact if i want to lol! laugh at that one...
on higher note, i have to go to AA meetings with the clients i work with and let me tell you that i have had a complete change of heart in a lot of things, one is turning to a higher power. I know in my religion they talk about forgiveness and what not but it was something amazing seeing a bunch of "drunks" talk about their stories and turning to God. so i said eh what the heck, so i have made some major revamps and adjustments to my life and strangely enough, i am more "reverent" so to speak, CRAZY i know but everyone has a different conversion story and mine just happened to start in rehab.... lol oh the joys of being a life coach for addicts!
love, les
oh well...i can overreact if i want to lol! laugh at that one...
on higher note, i have to go to AA meetings with the clients i work with and let me tell you that i have had a complete change of heart in a lot of things, one is turning to a higher power. I know in my religion they talk about forgiveness and what not but it was something amazing seeing a bunch of "drunks" talk about their stories and turning to God. so i said eh what the heck, so i have made some major revamps and adjustments to my life and strangely enough, i am more "reverent" so to speak, CRAZY i know but everyone has a different conversion story and mine just happened to start in rehab.... lol oh the joys of being a life coach for addicts!
love, les
3.01.2010
I should be royally mad, but...
oh man! if only you knew why i should be mad----- you ask why i am not. i will just say this... i give 100% in any realtionship i have been in and have truly felt that i have no regrets in any relationships. EAch guy has taught me something different and fun about myself and has proposed new challenges. Too bad that they have to make up things....oh man... i hope he reads this. I still love ya!!!!!!!!!!
and i have been blog stalking some of my old friends in high school...you guys are FUNNY!!!!
i am off to get ready to get off work.
-leslie
and i have been blog stalking some of my old friends in high school...you guys are FUNNY!!!!
i am off to get ready to get off work.
-leslie
2.20.2010
LOL!!!!!! SERIOUSLY I AM FUNNY!!!
So, among this crazy emotional week i have found my destination in life! No its not to find world peace, no i am not becoming a hippie, lol....hold on i am still laughing my butt off....
Mom and i were driving around before we went and saw a movie (shutter island---GOOD SHOW!) so she was talking about how she is going to open a horse and tack store and call it "Tack and Field" cute eh? it could work, so i was thinking, what could i do that was like that....well.... are you ready? here it goes be prepared to laugh your brains out.... i almost wrecked cause i was laughing so hard...... DRUM ROLL PLEASE!!!!
I am going to write a book. A comedy/coping book..... why is that funny you say? wait to hear what i am going to call it..... okay....
PEACE FOR THE OBESE!!!! by Leslie
SWEET SUCCESS!!!! Everyone needs a good laugh and us fat girls need some comic relief and a getaway from all the people who think thin is in.... please! so look for it as a number one best seller... its started already!!!
-Leslie
p.s. don't get me wrong i love my skinny friends and family, but just get tired of hearing from society that i am "sick"
2.14.2010
Congrats!
So many of you i am sure are questioning why i just jumped over to the fourth of july background.... but as St. Patricks day is the next holiday, my family and I have something more special to celebrate than that. My brother passed his PT test on saturday and has been given permission to graduate at the end of this month with his class. He walks in a graduation ceremony on Feb 26th!
I don't think he will ever read this, but i will write it anyways
Max,
Hey Soldier! I am stand more and more proud everyday knowing that you are making this decision in your life. I remember when you were just a little lad and how much fun you and i would have together especially on days when you had torn apart the house looking for something and mom couldn't figure out what it was you wanted i knew exactly what you were saying. I was so excited to have a brother! it was awesome. I watched you struggle throughout learning challenges, physical as well as mental pain. I watched you in band concerts and football games, i watched you in your church endevours. I watched as you struggled to overcome evil opponents in a state wrestling tournament to win! I watched you graduated, i watched as you stood proud as they announced those who were joining the military. I watched you through the this military journey struggle many times and watched as you were driven to your knees many times. Now i proudly stand next to you to show my appreciation and love for you not only as my brother and a part of this family but as an American Soldier! I will continue to watch as you defend our freedom, rights, and liberties as Americans. I will watch, stand and support you. I love you!
Les
I don't think he will ever read this, but i will write it anyways
Max,
Hey Soldier! I am stand more and more proud everyday knowing that you are making this decision in your life. I remember when you were just a little lad and how much fun you and i would have together especially on days when you had torn apart the house looking for something and mom couldn't figure out what it was you wanted i knew exactly what you were saying. I was so excited to have a brother! it was awesome. I watched you struggle throughout learning challenges, physical as well as mental pain. I watched you in band concerts and football games, i watched you in your church endevours. I watched as you struggled to overcome evil opponents in a state wrestling tournament to win! I watched you graduated, i watched as you stood proud as they announced those who were joining the military. I watched you through the this military journey struggle many times and watched as you were driven to your knees many times. Now i proudly stand next to you to show my appreciation and love for you not only as my brother and a part of this family but as an American Soldier! I will continue to watch as you defend our freedom, rights, and liberties as Americans. I will watch, stand and support you. I love you!
Les
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