Leslie's Laughs

Living with anxiety vs dying from a social disease

2011-12-14T18:22:00.000-07:00

I don't even know where to start--- every blog always starts out with "i am sorry i haven't written but wow its been crazy"
yes it has been crazy too crazy to fill you all in so you will just have to take my word for it.

Now on the title of my blog. I thought it was quiet fitting. Some of you know that i was diagnosed with agoraphobia. Its nothing more than a label, its not physically ailing or antying to that sort. (i know people who have far worse problems than i do, but this is my blog i can say what i want!!)

One thing that i have really wanted to do is to get over having anxiety. Medications do help to a point but a lot of it has to do with reversing the psychological damage i did to myself. I'd kill for the chance to go back to my college days where i was popular and had things to do and wasn't afraid of big crowds or felt the need to cry every time someone looked at me... but the reality is i can't do that.

A few weeks ago some co-workers invited me to hang out with them late friday night. I have avoided getting together with them solely because of my anxiety. I have gone to go twice to the gathering but chickened out and went home instead. I sat in the parking lot this time and cried and cried and cried cause i couldn't get out of the car. i was a mess. i saw someone i knew and decided walking in with him would put less attention on me and i could just squeeze in and no one would notice... it worked for a while until people realized that i was there and then they started talking to me. I could feel my blood pressure rise and my need to climb under a rock superceded my need to be socialable. Part of the reasn i was panicky was because at work i am a different person. I am confindent, strong, and dependent on noone but myself. I can make rapid decisions in tough situations. I can calm storms that others cower in fear from. This is not the case when it comes to being out in a crowd. I survived the night but found myself avoiding the people that were there while we were at work so that i didn't have to remember that i was actually out of my apartment.

This isn't the only time that something like this has happened,but it has led me to this conclusion: I was dying from a social disease. So know i have to switch-a-roo things around and start living with anxiety. I am just going to have to get over the fact that people will see me cry.. and they will see me cry a lot, thats just what i do, its how i cope, i cry when i am sad, cry when i am mad, cry when i am overwhelmed, cry when i am tired. So thats it, i cry. Deal with it. I have been faced with many anxiety filled events over the last 5 months including the dreaded booth test and restaraunts. I have a friend that we see eachother often but he always insist on sitting in a booth, the first time it happend i almost left, well at least i wanted to but it turns out that i froze. I couldn't move, literally was frozen, i scanned the area for the nearest escape route, but he had already spotted me and told me to come sit down. He knew i was in a state of panic and helped me get over that. Thanks goodness, now i think he does it on purpose.

*random thought* I have met some awesome people through work and am so looking forward to continuin our friendship and helping eachother out.

I like having my own apartment, I started out living with my sister, but she got super sick and had to move home. also we just weren't getting a long and so it was better she move home. Now i have a roommate which is fun. We don't see much of eachother. For the first little while i was excited to come to my parents house because i was comfortable there, i didn't have to be as responsible for things, now i still enjoy coming over but i like having space to call my own. again i am sure this added to my anxiety problems.

I picked up a second job as a substitute teacher- let me tell ya thats an adventure all to good for someone with anxiety but i have done well so far.

well i am sure you are bored to tears, i am writing regularly in a journal so now i will just bring that with me and update my blog.

thanks for reading

2011-11-03T19:09:00.001-06:00

I have not abandoned you all... since soo many of you read it... lol... but i will post again very soon. i have a whole weekend off...

The end of the world

2011-05-20T16:13:00.001-06:00

Well with all the craze of the end of the world being tomorrow i thought i would blog one last time---HAHAHAHA funny... people who believe that are lame! sorry to offend anyone...

Okay on a serious note that is semi related to that. I have been thinking of things a lot lately mostly have i done everything i wanted to before the world did end? well the answer is no... I have made mistakes and have paid my dues for them. I am in a happy place now letting go of some sins and mistakes finally being able to forgive myself. I have gone to college and got a degree. I have watched the complete circle of life from start to finsish. I have done some amazing things... however the one thing that i havent done is tell the one person i truly loved that i love him. I won't go into many details so please don't ask. I don't want him to know that i still love him... it would be weird... but i have known him since i was little like elementary school and he doesn't read my blog but still no details.

What made me think of this? well honestly American Idol did. Lauren sang the Martina Mcbride song "anyway" and it brought many of my feelings and emotions to the surface! Here are the lyrics:

You can spend your whole life buildin'
Something from nothin'
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway

You can chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

God is great
But sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway

This world's gone crazy
It's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway

You can love someone with all your heart
For all the right reasons
In a moment they can choose to walk away
Love 'em anyway
God is great
But sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
Yeah - I do it anyway

You can pour your soul out singing
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yea, sing it anyway
Yeah, yeah!

I sing
I dream
I love
anyway

I've printed in green the one section this blog is talking about. I am sure i will write blogs about others. But yes I loved him with every piece of my heart. and i watched them walk away. I have been carrying this for almost 15 years. I truly believe nothing would have come of it if he did know. He has a wife and kids and military career. And if we talk we still say love ya bro and love ya sis. but i know that my heart gave more.

I just now realized that i was holding on to that... never letting go and playing the what if game or the shoulda coulda woulda... but the truth is i need to let go. need to allow others to be loved too...

awww american idol...

Refreshing to let things go.. i have been cleaning house of my emotions and breaking down my wall...

I sing
I dream
I love
anyway

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE BEST THING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME

2011-02-07T00:25:00.000-07:00

Three years ago today my sister had my nephew and my whole life changed forever. He brings me such joy and happiness. I didn't know i can love a nephew so much.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY BOY

Sneak Peak coming soon

2011-01-21T13:47:00.000-07:00

yes folks i am just about done with my introduction to my book--- stay tuned.

Christmas with a new meaning

2010-12-29T19:22:00.000-07:00

This year for Christmas i was able to just sit back and enjoy the whole season instead of just the holiday. It really provided a lot of insight for me and it was humbling. I would like to share with all some of the things that i got:

I got the chance to put together a few handmade gifts. They are the cutest handmade christmas stockings. Each one took about 2-3 months to finish. Impecable detail with sequins and stitching. I was so proud! one was sent to my dear friend in Canada, Her design was Santa and snowman "shopping" in the the woods for a Christmas Tree. The other two were for Doty and her husband. One was tobaggonning (spelling) with a snowman and bear and bunny. The other was a snowman with mail box and such. Super Cute, plus the look on her face was awesome. Cause lets face it she is hard to shop for.

I got the chance to serve. There were several people in our neighborhood that needed just a little pick me up. My mom (chief givesalot) had gotten stuff for them and we went on adventures at like 11 pm and delievered them secretly! it was so much fun.

I got the chance to put some thought into buying a gift for my mom. Those of you who know my mom, she is seriously the worse person to shop for. She has everything and she isnt really materialistic, but yeah it was hard shopping for her. I liked the gift i got her, even though my grandma opened it up.

I got a chance to include people in our family. We had a Christmas Eve party at our house, my dads cousin and uncle and their kids came over and we played bunco. (details of that game later). Plus my cousin Charles came over and it was so fun to have him. I used to spend a lot of time with him when i would go visit family in Denver. So I kind of lost touch with him over the years, he was playful and just enjoyed it.

I got the chance to start a new friendship. LOL!!! this one makes me laugh- I put together a movie basket with the movie Cinderalla man and popcorn and pop and candy for this "boy" who is so shy its not even funny!!! oye... so we will see where this goes.

I Got the chance to be a better person. I worked on Christmas Eve Morning and Christmas Day Swing. It was fun because they are kids without a home. Even though i complain a lot about how hard it is to work with them. They have enough respect for me to recognize the things i do for them. Amazing Expierence.

Well there you have it, my gifts i got. Dont get me wrong i was super spoiled, but that is not what i wanted to dwell on.

Merry Christmas!

I have another post in the making, but i want to share that for new years!

Love all of you.

-Leslie

I did it AGAIN

2010-12-23T15:38:00.000-07:00

Usually i drastically change my hair after i break up with someone, but this time i did it cause it was physically painful to comb my hair so what do you think? I will have to post some of it when it is curly! but i love it.

My momma

2010-12-13T19:58:00.000-07:00

Those of you who know our family know that it wouldn't be the way it is if it wasn't for my mom. The back bone, the heart and the motivation for the whole lot of us. She does so much for all of us and sad to say does it for little thank yous from us. However, did you know how much she does for the people in our neighborhood and our ward? SHE IS AMAZING.

First of all, as you know i work at a youth center. The kids i work with are often not allowed to go home for the holidays. My mom always makes sure they have a Christmas. Has blankets and cards and candy and fruit, just to make sure they wake up with something on Christmas morning. She also befriends neighbors who have otherwise been inside their house and never seen or heard from, but with sneaky perserverance she has managed to get them to talk to her. She is super good at making people feel welcome and not judged. Recently their was a lady in our ward diagnosed with breast cancer. She has three little girls at home and my mom made sure the girls are watched and cared for while their mom recovers from the chemo treatments. She even potty trained the middle one for her in one day! She also has crocehted pink hats for everyone who wants to can wear a hat during church so she isn't the only one wearing one. My mom has a heart of gold and is willing to do anything she can to make sure peoples burdens are lightened. She has done so much for people that i know she has a special place in heaven waiting for her.

I nominated her for the ksl high five clip that the channel 5 news does for people. They chose her and came out to the house today where some her friends and i surprised her with a camera crew and gift basket from a mechanic shop. It was so neat to see her honored by people who love and kind of just make it a special moment for her. There were lots of tears and laughs. It was really a cool day! Anyways the clip will air on friday morning during the 6 am news, the lady said around 620 if any of you are interested in watching and will be posted on ksl.com after that. (i am on there too i am sure the camera added a million pounds.!)

LOVE YOU MOMMA

As i sit here and ponder.....

2010-11-23T20:40:00.003-07:00

The days have been better for me, i can finally go outside and talk to people without thinking i am going to die! :) i have taken extra care to be thankful this year. Although i am always thankful for the usual, my family, my friends, my health, and my knowledge. But this time of year makes me thankful for more. Ever since my brother decided to join the military i have gone out of my way to say thank you to every military personell i see in uniform. A couple examples, the other day while out to lunch with my nephew and mom, there were two soldiers sitting at a table, without thinking twice i went to personally thank them for every thing that they do for the sacrifice they make on behalf. With tear filled eyes i told them i am grateful for men like them. With a tear in his eye and soft gentle touch to my arm "said no problem ma'am, i am honored to defend you". Another time i was in subway and saw four soldiers there, my first instinct was to say thank you and again with the same response i went one step further and paid for their lunch before they got up there to pay. When the lady told them it was all taken care of he said please "ma'am i insist on paying." The lady said "no sir you don't understand that lady over there has paid for your tab" They approached me and asked if they could pay me back, to which again with tears in my eyes "please don't bother for it is I that needs to pay you back. Its the least i can do for your willingness to serve".

Anyways with that being said, yes i am grateful for the military and they freedoms they provide. I think and pray for them nightly. This poem attached made me cry but explains how i feel.

THANK YOU to those who are willing to serve.

A Different Christmas Poem
By Michael Marks

The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.

Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.
The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.

My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.

The sound wasn’t loud, and it wasn’t too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn’t quite know,
Then the sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.

My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.
Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.

A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.

“What are you doing?” I asked without fear,
“Come in this moment, it’s freezing out here!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!”

For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts..
To the window that danced with a warm fire’s light
Then he sighed and he said “Its really all right,

I’m out here by choice. I’m here every night.”
“It’s my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.
No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I’m proud to stand here like my fathers before me.

My Gramps died at ‘ Pearl on a day in December,”
Then he sighed, “That’s a Christmas ‘Gram always remembers.”
My dad stood his watch in the jungles of ‘ Nam ‘,
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.

I’ve not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he’s sure got her smile.
Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue… an American flag.

“I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.
I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.

I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother..
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall.”

“So go back inside,” he said, “harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I’ll be all right.”
“But isn’t there something I can do, at the least,
“Give you money,” I asked, “or prepare you a feast?

It seems all too little for all that you’ve done, For
being away from your wife and your son.”
Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret, “
Just tell us you love us, and never forget.

To fight for our rights back at home while we’re gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.

Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us.

180/111

2010-10-15T19:15:00.002-06:00

Yes ladies and gents, that was my official reading of my blood pressure. i swear i was gonna have a stroke.

Its been an emotional couple months really and i think my body is just getting a chance to really feel it all. I am not okay, i will be, but right now i am not. And since kind of accepting that, its kind of been a little easier to deal with.

We will se how it goes. Anybody know of anyone getting rid of a cello and would like to donate it to a mental health situation?

the bucket list

2010-10-11T11:47:00.003-06:00

SO yes, i am a copy cat but you know as i sit here and look at what i have accomplished this far in life (it isn't much but its cool) there are things that i would like to do before i "kick the bucket".so here is a beginning list.

1 Learn to play the cello
2 See and NFL game live
3 Visit the Light houses in Maine
4 Go to London
5 Have a baby
6 Sing the National Anthem at a sports event that no one in my family is playing in
7 Get Fit
8 Give up soda
9 Better yet- give up candy
10 Get a masters
11 Own a House
12 Kiss in the Rain
13 Tell someone i love them and have them say it back and mean it
14 Write my book
15 Compose a song
16 Copy all my moms recipes that i like
17 Keep a Journal
18 Sleep for two days
19 Become Fluent in Sign LAnguage (again)
20 Go on a Cruise
21 Find a Job I really Love
22 Be a Better Friend
23 Jump out of a plane
24 Help a Family in need
25 Follow A Rainbow
26 Visit Hawaii
27 Live in Vegas
28 Go to 15 REAL concerts
29 Learn to ski
30 Take up Golf
31 Make my own Calendar
32 Paint my room Pink
33 Participate in a Rodeo
34 Take a cross country road trip and stop at all the points of interest
35 Get a tatoo
36 Become active in the church again
37 Change my own oil
38 Own a Great Dane
39 Watch the sunset and rise from the same spot with someone special
40 Record my own cd
41 Laugh everyday
42 Say my prayers regularly
43 Get a massage
44 Go dancing in a club
45 Visit Alaska
46 Go back to D.C.
47 Be in a movie
48 Watch all 10 seasons of CSI all in a row
49 Read 5 books a year
50 Re connect with old friends

Thats a good list for now, some of them i may never accomplish, but i can try right?

Wish me luck i will add more when i think of some and cross them off when i get done with them...

woot woot

New Hair...

2010-10-10T13:48:00.003-06:00

I meant to put this before my last blog but here it is anyway... i felt that i needed to change things, i thought about a tatoo, or a new phone, or something, but instead i decided to change my hair!

so here it is... i love love love love love it. this is a weird pic cause it looks like my hair is uneven but its not its just pulled behind on one side...

Doctor visit

2010-10-10T13:40:00.002-06:00

So friday i bucked up and went to the doctor about my anxiety and he says that i have Agoraphobia! i always knew there was something wrong especially now that things got worse with my anxiety.

what is agoraphobia? agoraphobia is a condition where the sufferer becomes anxious in environments that are unfamiliar or where he or she perceives that they have little control. Triggers for this anxiety may include wide open spaces, crowds (social anxiety), or traveling (even short distances). Agoraphobia is often, but not always, compounded by a fear of social embarrassment, as the agoraphobic fears the onset of a panic attack and appearing distraught in public.

I have mixed emotions about it all... i am relieved that i am not going crazy and that there is something wrong with me. I am sad however cause i wasn't like this before.. as a matter of fact i was the shit in college... EVERYONE knew who i was... and i mean EVERYONE. It was awesome. People always knew where i was too. And now even thinking about it makes my blood pressure rise and i went to go hide in the closet.

Doctor says to try out new meds and to go to a therapist. (oh joy!) we will see how that all goes.

Work is stressful, well not really i just wish that all the staff were on the same page. but its an ongoing process and we have made tremendous progress. The doctor says that my fear of failing effects work too, meaning i want everything to be perfect on my shift and when it doesn't go that way it makes it worse for me. But it shall all turn around sometime i am sure.

hmmm i have so much more to say and i am actually feeling well enough to make updates and actually write more on here, not that anyone ever really reads these things.

Til next time...

-leslie

2010-03-03T13:41:00.002-07:00

so as it turns out leslie threw a mini princess fit, but it just wasn't over the incident i last wrote about its about relationships in general...
oh well...i can overreact if i want to lol! laugh at that one...

on higher note, i have to go to AA meetings with the clients i work with and let me tell you that i have had a complete change of heart in a lot of things, one is turning to a higher power. I know in my religion they talk about forgiveness and what not but it was something amazing seeing a bunch of "drunks" talk about their stories and turning to God. so i said eh what the heck, so i have made some major revamps and adjustments to my life and strangely enough, i am more "reverent" so to speak, CRAZY i know but everyone has a different conversion story and mine just happened to start in rehab.... lol oh the joys of being a life coach for addicts!

love, les

I should be royally mad, but...

2010-03-01T23:30:00.002-07:00

oh man! if only you knew why i should be mad----- you ask why i am not. i will just say this... i give 100% in any realtionship i have been in and have truly felt that i have no regrets in any relationships. EAch guy has taught me something different and fun about myself and has proposed new challenges. Too bad that they have to make up things....oh man... i hope he reads this. I still love ya!!!!!!!!!!

and i have been blog stalking some of my old friends in high school...you guys are FUNNY!!!!

i am off to get ready to get off work.

-leslie

2010-03-01T12:36:00.001-07:00

Mobile blogging? Oh man i am in trouble

LOL!!!!!! SERIOUSLY I AM FUNNY!!!

2010-02-20T23:37:00.003-07:00

So, among this crazy emotional week i have found my destination in life! No its not to find world peace, no i am not becoming a hippie, lol....hold on i am still laughing my butt off....

Mom and i were driving around before we went and saw a movie (shutter island---GOOD SHOW!) so she was talking about how she is going to open a horse and tack store and call it "Tack and Field" cute eh? it could work, so i was thinking, what could i do that was like that....well.... are you ready? here it goes be prepared to laugh your brains out.... i almost wrecked cause i was laughing so hard...... DRUM ROLL PLEASE!!!!

I am going to write a book. A comedy/coping book..... why is that funny you say? wait to hear what i am going to call it..... okay....

PEACE FOR THE OBESE!!!! by Leslie

SWEET SUCCESS!!!! Everyone needs a good laugh and us fat girls need some comic relief and a getaway from all the people who think thin is in.... please! so look for it as a number one best seller... its started already!!!

-Leslie

p.s. don't get me wrong i love my skinny friends and family, but just get tired of hearing from society that i am "sick"

Congrats!

2010-02-14T21:07:00.002-07:00

So many of you i am sure are questioning why i just jumped over to the fourth of july background.... but as St. Patricks day is the next holiday, my family and I have something more special to celebrate than that. My brother passed his PT test on saturday and has been given permission to graduate at the end of this month with his class. He walks in a graduation ceremony on Feb 26th!

I don't think he will ever read this, but i will write it anyways

Max,

Hey Soldier! I am stand more and more proud everyday knowing that you are making this decision in your life. I remember when you were just a little lad and how much fun you and i would have together especially on days when you had torn apart the house looking for something and mom couldn't figure out what it was you wanted i knew exactly what you were saying. I was so excited to have a brother! it was awesome. I watched you struggle throughout learning challenges, physical as well as mental pain. I watched you in band concerts and football games, i watched you in your church endevours. I watched as you struggled to overcome evil opponents in a state wrestling tournament to win! I watched you graduated, i watched as you stood proud as they announced those who were joining the military. I watched you through the this military journey struggle many times and watched as you were driven to your knees many times. Now i proudly stand next to you to show my appreciation and love for you not only as my brother and a part of this family but as an American Soldier! I will continue to watch as you defend our freedom, rights, and liberties as Americans. I will watch, stand and support you. I love you!
Les

do overs

2010-01-07T10:49:00.002-07:00

Can i please have a pass to start the new year off again... seriously this has been the worst start to a new year in my 27 years. not only did i have to work an 86 hour marathon at work but we had major changes at work and some staff aren't on board with. for the first time in my job working there i felt that i was not safe to be at work adn it had nothing to do with the residents.... grrr... and i had to take a valum just to function cause i did nothing but shake for two days and shut myself off from the world. then it feels like nothing gets done to other people its annoying...

on a good note i get to play with my best friend tomorrow!!! yahoo!!! i am excited she always makes me feel important and is there through everything! i love her and her husband who treats her so well or i would have to punch him in the throat... :) i need to find my 20 bucks though so i can play!

i will write more later when i feel better.

-les

2009-12-21T11:48:00.001-07:00

Please Remember

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF
PLASTER AND STONE.

I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEYWITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO
IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.

I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,
A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,
NOT EVEN A TREE.

NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,
JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES
OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.

WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,
AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
A SOBER THOUGHT
CAME THROUGH MY MIND.

FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,
IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER,
ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.

THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING,
SILENT, ALONE,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR
IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.

THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,
THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,
NOT HOW I PICTURED
A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.

WAS THIS THE HERO
OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO,
THE FLOOR FOR A BED?

I REALIZED THE FAMILIES
THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS
WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.

SOON ROUND THE WORLD,
THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE
A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.

THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM
EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,
LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.

I COULDN'T HELP WONDER
HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE
IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.

THE VERY THOUGHT
BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES
AND STARTED TO CRY.

THE SOLDIER AWAKENED
AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
'SANTA DON'T CRY,
THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;

I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,
I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
MY LIFE IS MY GOD,
MY! COUNTRY, MY CORPS.'

THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER
AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT,
I CONTINUED TO WEEP.

I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,
SO SILENT AND STILL
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED
FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.

I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE
ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR
SO WILLING TO FIGHT.

THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,
WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, 'CARRY ON SANTA,
IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE.'

ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,
AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
'MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,!
AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.'

I'm a big girl now!

2009-12-11T11:22:00.002-07:00

So i realize that i am 27 years old and should be able to handle the adult life... however today was the first day in the history of dentist appointments that i didn't bawl my eyeballs out!

i know i know i am a baby.

-leslie

thankfulness

2009-11-30T23:14:00.002-07:00

This time of year i have so much to be grateful but i am a little frustrated... i am glad that i have trials and situations that test my patience but man sometimes i just want to let people have it....i'm highly annoyed at some people at this moment...

write more later

-leslie

Its Here!!!!!

2009-11-27T23:55:00.002-07:00

so call me weird but i ordered my all time favorite movie ever!!! and it arrived today!!!! woot woot woot!!! movie party at my house!!!

its the 1949 version of Little Women its the best one out there! love it! watch it! with hot cocoa and all... elizabeth taylor is in it!!!

go now

Thanksgiving!!

2009-11-26T23:52:00.002-07:00

okay let me just start this blog out with an explanation... i know that i haven't blogged for a while but i have sat down several times to blog but i didnt want to sound negative.... so here is something postive..

today was the best thanksgiving i think i have ever had..why you ask... well i got the best of both of worlds.. i cooked for my family..got along with my sister and ate with them... then i went to work...

now i know some of you are like "what? work" but let me tell you what. i was angry that i had to work especially since i have to work the other holidays... but when i got there my view changed. I work with kids who are locked up for vaious reasons and so they didn't get to be home for the holiday.. so as a staff we decided to bring them in a feast to have complete with decorations.

We set everything up and they all went around and said how grateful they were for different things and then we got to say how grateful we were. It was awesome to see some of their faces and they piled up two plates of good old fashion grub. They seemed to change into other people rather than the "tough guy" image they think they are. They were polite and willing to help out in the cleaning. they were nice to one another. I love the oppurtunity i had to serve them today by making their thanksgiving a little more homier than it would have.

I have lots of things to blog about and will do so soon...

Love ya guys :)

2009-11-19T00:15:00.001-07:00

let the games begin

2009-05-06T01:41:00.000-06:00

I found this fun little idea on a friends blog and decided to play along! I can't wait to see what she makes! ;) So here's what it is...The first five people to comment on this post will get something made by me! My choice. For you. This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

1. I make no guarantees that you will like what I make!
2. What I create will be just for you.
3. It'll be done this year (hopefully sooner than later.)
4. You will have no clue what it is going to be.
5. I reserve the right to do something extremely strange.

The catch? Oh the catch is that you must re-post this on your blog. The first 5 people to do so and leave a comment telling me you did will win a marvelous homemade gift by me!Let the games begin!!

soon

2009-04-12T23:34:00.001-06:00

i will blog soon i promise

2009-01-20T22:52:00.003-07:00

why yes yes i did! seriously though i was not in any emotional state to be blogging..i sort of become and emo blogger so i didn't post anything. but i am back and i will blog some more. right now i have to sleep since i stayed up WAY TOO LATE last night. Thanks doty for letting me crash at your house. ;)

-les

i know i am obsessed

2008-11-23T16:12:00.001-07:00

Take the Quiz and Share Your Results!

Happy Birthday Grandpa!

2008-10-30T01:05:00.003-06:00

Well first of all let me tell you how much i hate the fall, its when things start to die and gets dark early and i simply hate it--- but as November comes along i have both grandpas birthdays and my friend Nadine's too but the November 3rd birthday is one i have been think about this year, its my grandpa Rankin's birthday, sadly Grandpa Rankin was taken home to Heaven almost6 years ago. As his birthday approaches i am reminded of how some people handle death and how you either have tons of regrets for not involving that person more in your life and finding yourself asking if that person knew how much they meant to you. I personally know that my grandpa knew that i loved him. He and i spent many camping trips together, we shared broken hearts and he tried to make me laugh by calling all my boyfriends (even crushes) who hurt my feelings "peckerheads" and cried with me, he came to as many of extra curricular activites as he could. I loved that i was so involved with him! i have no regrets which makes me feel at peace with his passing away--

as i have pondered the whole "circle of life" i am reminded of a tribute that my boss at the Day Treatment wrote when his son was taken from him. Gary is one the best bosses that i have ever worked for and has taught me a lot! i am blessed that i got to know him and he truly put a lot of things into perspective... here is what he wrote to everyone who wrote on his sons guest book at the time of his passing:

"Death is the most feared experience in this existence. It is also the greatest gift we will receive. Some have talked about the two doors. Birth is the entrance door where we enter a body, necessary to be in this world. There is pain, separation and fear that we are all alone. you come from a place where you are whole with all that is and the most traumatic experience is when you open your eyes and see your self separate. The other door is when you shed the illusion of being separate. Shed yourself of all the dear and hurt and step into unconditional love. One the strange things about this life is that when a close one leaves those around us seem to shed these burdens of life as well. People forget the mundane focus of their life and give unconditionally of their love and mater things lose all meaning. For a short time loving each other is the only focus of our awareness. Maybe, when the door is opened for our loved one, some of what is on the other side spills through. I share the thing i feel as maybe and explanation of the overwhelming love, sacrifice and giving I have experienced from those around me as [name] left his world. He life not only his pain behind, but gave us am opportunity to examine why we do not, every day act as we did when he left us, We found ourselves saying "I love you" at the end of every conversation we had with our friends and loved ones. What is real is that we always, always, and forever have loved those around us. In this illusion of this short life we forgot this. "

WOW! right?!? seriously it is awesome how some people can deal with things differently. I challenge all of us to try to live life without regrets. May everyone be blessed with good events, but if by chance the Lord has something different for you know that people are there to help you cope and deal. I love how Gary puts things into an awesome perspective!

Thanks Grandpa R for being so wonderful and willing to do anything for us! We miss you but we know your spirit is with us after all you always told us that when you died you would come back as a german brown fish and Maximus caught a german brown the first time he went fishing the summer after you passed! your with us now grandpa safe sound and void of pain and suffering. Your with people who love you!

Thanks to everyone who reads and follows my blog- i hope you enjoy reading as much as i love blogging! more to come in the next few days!!!

I'm Gonna kill me a vampire

2008-10-21T23:03:00.002-06:00

okay so ya i am a lemming but i started reading the twilight series i finished the first two in like 29 hours however the second has left me so emotionally drained that i seriously will kill the next vampire i see-- which could be bad seeing that halloween is just around the corner!

so i thought i would take a break and do this tag thingy-ma-bob-- so if you are reading this.. tag your it! just fill in your own answers.

1.Where is your cell phone?on my shelf
2.Where is your significant other? lost at sea
3.Your hair color? reddish brown with blonde streaks
4.Your mother? hilarious
5.Your father? confusing
6.Your favorite thing? sleeping
7.Your dream last night? damn vampires
8.Your dream/goal? own place
9.The room you're in? the bedroom
10.Your hobby? scrapbookin/crochet
11.Your fear? the boo box
12.Where do you want to be in 6 years? can i just live til tomorrow please?
13.Where were you last night? wal-mart
14.What you're not? pregnant
15.One of your wish list items? police scanner and the new season of csi
16.Where you grew up? the equality state GO POKES!
17.The last thing you did? cleaned my bathroom--- do i have any hair left on my head?
18.What are you wearing? what i usually wear to bed (those of you who know can go ahead and laugh
19.Your t.v.? heavy as heck
20.Your pet? scares the neighbors
21.Your computer? finally works thanks to my ingenious efforts
22.Your mood? disturbed
23.Missing someone? unfortunatley
24.Your car? finally runs
25.Something you're not wearing? a smile
26.Favorite store? walmart
27.Your summer? sucked
28.Love someone? love can go jump off a cliff
29.Favorite color? PINK
30.Last time you laughed? at my sisters patient who called her fat all day today-- gotta love old people...
31.Last time you cried? this morning-- couldn't tell you why.

Now all you go ahead and do this too i expect to see your answer on here very very very soon.

what disney princess are you?

2008-10-16T00:07:00.001-06:00

You Are Jasmine!

Independent and adventurous. You don't want much; just to break out of the guilded cage society has put you in and experience life to the fullest. Following orders isn't really one of your strong points, and you would rather live a life of poverty than being forced into something that you hate.

Which Disney Princess Are You?

Really? Honeslty?

2008-10-15T22:11:00.003-06:00

So i am really extremely pissed off at this point. okay more hurt than anything...
here it goes....

At my work which by the way i love my job. i am actually obssessed with it. and i am damn good at what i do, but here is the thing-- there has been some not so good thing going down between two of our residents and they are investigating it and today we were told at our training meeting that job might be lost over this. that ticks me off. in my defense i haven't worked that unit for a while so that might just save my butt-- however it could-- don't get me wrong the human resources department has been very good to me and i would hope that i would have some kind of good repoir with them but holy piss on red hot ants!!! why should i be held accountable for that?!? rediculous. kids are sneaky and covert and are going to do crap like that regardless of what we do-- grrr...i know i ask for a lot of prayers but if you could please keep me in yours again until this is all over-- i am scared and don't know what to do, my career will be finished in the social work field and i am not to sure i am ready to let it all go. i am passionate about social work! grrr

on another note we had out first snowfall of the season this past weekend and while i was excited and shocked i got to do something new. At work we have kids of all ethnicities and one of the native american kids wanted to do the traditional first snow fall ritual. it was fun to be part of that. we said some prayer and jumped into the snow!!!yippee... i want to change my background to christmas because i like christmas but the only template they had was lame. get with the program people walmart has chritsmas decorations since july what seems to be the problem!?!? sheesh!

as elections come near i hope that God has some kind of hand in it like accidently making barack obamas car run of the road on some cliff and can't be found anytime til after the elections! as i understand that he is a well educated man, but for those of us who can't have children or rather shouldn't have children-- i am appalled that he is for abortions during the second trimester or leaving live babies in a sink to die because the mother doesn't want them!!! grrr.. anyways vote people!

I am on a quest again to lose weight-- i lose it but then it finds me again. I am almost three months soda free well with caffeine in it anyway i have rootbeer every so often but then i go for a while not having any! i am excited for the weight thing though i need to get back in shape incase i need to fo work as a correctional officer.

well i suppose i have done enough ranting and raving for the night! will update more as i go! you guys are the best! thanks!

-leslie

just a thought..

2008-10-06T13:15:00.001-06:00

THE LAW IS THE LAW

So 'if' the US government determines that it is against the law for the words 'under God' to be on our money, then, So be it.

And 'if' that same government decides that the
'Ten Commandments' are not to be used in or on a government installation, then, so be it.

I say, 'so be it,' because I would like to be a law abiding US citizen.

I say, 'so be it,’; because I would like to think that smarter people than I are in positions to make good decisions.

I would like to think that those people have the American public's best interests at heart.

BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I'D LIKE?

Since we can't pray to God, can't Trust in God and cannot post His Commandments in Government buildings, I don't believe the Government and its employees should participate in the Easter and Christmas celebrations which honor the God that our government is eliminating from many facets of American life.

I'd like my mail delivered on Christmas, Good Friday, Thanksgiving & Easter. After all, it's just another day.

I'd like the ' US Supreme Court to be in session on Christmas, Good Friday, Thanksgiving & Easter as well as Sundays.' After all, it's just another day.

I'd like the Senate and the House of Representatives to not have to worry about getting home for the 'Christmas Break.' After all it's just another day.

I'm thinking that a lot of my taxpayer dollars could be saved, if all government offices & services would work on Christmas, Good Friday & Easter. It shouldn't cost any overtime since those would be just like any other day of the week to a government that is trying to be 'politically correct.'

In fact....

I think that our government should work on Sundays (initially set aside for worshipping God...) because, after all, our government says that it should be just another day....

What do you all think????

depression? me?

2008-09-24T23:30:00.000-06:00

this is kind of a good news bad news blog so i am not allowing comments cause really i am not sure if i want feedback or not-- i think i just needed someplace to vent and be heard but not anyone to fix things...

i went to the doctor on monday and he says that my iron levels are back on track and almost nmormal. he said that my levesl are 11.9 and normal for my age is supposed to be 12.1- then he said that it flucuates .2 either way so i am normal but he wants me to continue taking 975 mg of iron and 1500 mg of vitamin c a day... sick. and the funny thing is? i am taking all this vitamin c and still manage to catch a cold..medical phenomenon? i hate taken all this medince.

lately i have been really down and depressed. just thinking about how lonely i am.. really i don't have any one to say they love me everyday, no one to fight with, no one to cuddle with, no one to call me mom and bring me dead dandelions.. NOTHING.. and i am seriously thinking its me. Am i some stark raving bitch? am i bad girlfriend? am i that hideously ugly? ugh i hate this.... sorry to be so negative but that is how i am feeling. It cracks me up to hear people say to me "how can you have low self esteem?" or "why are sad today? you aren't supposed to be sad!"--- say what? who says i am not SUPPOSED to be anything. look people i am sad, i have a little social circle (she is fun to hang out with don't get me wrong but our schedules are almost completely opposite). I fell like a loser half of my life and the other half i hide it with my fabulous sense of humor... just let me feel whatever i want people! GOSH!!!!!!!

Remember

2008-09-11T14:04:00.002-06:00

so this morning as you all well know marks the anniversary of 9/11.. crazy that i can remember exactly where i was and what i was doing. i remember the smells and my roommates all literally crying. President Bednar called all classes except religion ones be cancelled and we all were stunned. I had to call my mom and wish her a birthday and notice how i didn't say happy.

well i just want everyone who is sacraficing their lives either physically or emotionally to fight for me and the rest of the nation-- WAY TO GO!!!

update!!!

2008-09-09T17:03:00.005-06:00

so this week has been fun and interesting. i dyed my hair all brown again. i decided to do so since i needed some kind of change. i don't really think it was as a dramatic change as i wanted it to be. but hey i should try again in weeks to make it a little more red/brown. :) yahoo.

I am still taken lethal amounts of iron! i say lethal cause i swear its causing more problems then it is helping.. for example i have these random spells of passing out. its kinda cool real as long as i know i will wake up within about 30 seconds. its fun at work cause i tell the kids they are stressing me out and they are good for the rest of my shift...awww sweet success...
Again with work and their stupid uniforms they went around and asked what size we needed for our new prison issued polos... so being the smart "a" that i am i asked for a 5x in mens sizes! ahahah i think its funny-- maybe i am just immature like that.

So today i was looking at my moms weekly planner on the white board and i noticed that my sister (courtney) wrote on there that "sherman hearts leslie" my first initial reaction was to laugh but then i wanted to sit and cry. Sherman and i have been physically over since january but emotionally over for about 4 months which is fairly still recent in my mind. he moved to texas where he was doing installation crap.. he was up and down with me all summer and i played into all the wishy washiness for some stupid reason. i believed him that he said he had changed. well one day he called and told me about this new dog he had and how everyone thought he was stupid for getting it and all i said was "well you are a big boy and can make your own decisions" and he freaked out on me. and told me that i should never call him or text him. so i didn't but i myspace stalk him just to see what he is up to and apparently he is seeing a younger cuter girl than me who drinks and i am assuming everything else that he would have like me to do. any advice to why i ever thought of marrying him? ughh i don't know whether to get upset or just get mad.. a lot of hurt and confused feelings.

on a lighter note i get to back to third grade on thursday where i eat school lunch with my sister---woot woot! that day is also my mothers birthday 9/11 crappy i know. then on friday is my brothers senior home coming game!! which i am so excited for!
as you can tell i pay no attention to puncuation in my blogs cause this key board i am using is socially retarded... so its not my fault.

thanks for taking the time to read this! next i am going to post a singles add-- lol

-leslie

i am okay

2008-08-26T11:10:00.002-06:00

First of all thank you to all of you who kept me in your thoughts and prayers and the many of words of comfort and encouragement.

Second-- my white blood cells came out normal yesterday (thank goodness) that was quite a scare. My iron levels are still dangerously low--so low they barely register-- crazy huh. oh well so i have to take 325 mg of iron with 500 mg of vitamin C three times a day (so pretty much i am gonna get constipated and i hate that) i go back in next tuesday to see if that is working, if it isn't then i will get an infusion. so i am not out of the clear yet.

okay thats the update today--- maybe i will write more later who knows.

I vant to drink your blood

2008-08-25T10:00:00.005-06:00

Okay so today has finally arrived-- i slept alright last night considering that i have this doctor appointment that scared the crap out of me! I am getting blood drawn at this hematologist. My friend has the same doctor and she assures me that he is nice, and i totally trust her but why the hell can't he have his own office does he really have to work at the Huntsman Cancer Clinic? Does that ease my anxiety any less? NO! oh well.. afterwards i am going to verizon wireless to get the new LG NV2. I get it for an excellent price-- yay! i like to shop and spend money that i don't have when i become upset!

I have applied for several jobs last night because i HATE the politics that are going on out at Copper Hills Youth Center. Seriously it bugs me bad. Its not only the uniforms its the way some team leads are the CEO and COO pets and they get away with anything. Its also some of the therapists baby their clients and then tell us MHA's that they are good kids and never act up with them-- of course they don't act up with their therapists, the therapists see them twice a week for an hour a piece and maybe for group therapy once a week for an hour. The mental health associates see them from 8 to 16 hours a day-- grr it pisses me off. Oh well life goes on.

I have started drinking gatorade g2 at least. Hopefully this time Doty's father won't yell at me for sipping gatorade-- G2 HAS LESS SUGARS WILLY!!! okay anyways i love it its very tastey-- although my favorite gas station to go to doesn't have it so i am going to have to go across the street to get it-- dang gas stations.

okay well i am off to go get ready--- yippeee--- thanks for everyones' support.

photo bucket game

2008-08-24T20:48:00.002-06:00

okay so all you do is go to photobucket.com (don't sign in) and then use the first page to describe the following--- DO IT!!!

What's your first name?

What is your relationship status?

What is your favorite color?

Who is your celebrity crush?

What is your favorite movie?

Who is your favorite disney princess?

Name a beverage.

Where is your dream vacation?

What is your favorite dessert?

One word to describe yourself.

I was born in:

My eye color is:

Last book you read?

really?

2008-08-21T11:18:00.002-06:00

So i am about to throw a major hissy fit! the following may sound like i am complaining and not able to be a grown up but really it royally pisses me off--

So my place of employment is apparently going to start making us wear uniforms--- now its not too bad just a polo shirt but dammit homegirl don't look so good in polos and as if my self esteem isn't low enough!!! I HATE THAT WE HAVE TO BE PUNISHED BECAUSE THERE ARE SOME EMPLOYESS WHO CAN'T KEEP THEIR BOOBS WHERE THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE--------AHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHHAHAHAHAH. i am sooo mad!

I need to find a new job but i like what i do and it i live so close to work-- i am truly in a dilemma.

well i need to go for now i might blog a bit more later..

today is a new day

2008-08-18T11:16:00.002-06:00

yes i know two blogs in one week--- what is the world coming to? well in all honesty ever since i have had the news that i might have some blood disorder i have sat and done absolutely nothing-- okay thats a lie i went to work and then went to Price, utah to the wave pool. the luck of my family this week has been awful...

Tuesday: my sister had her car broken in to and the stereo stolen. the same sister lost her job for a stupid reason and the HR people didn't have the nerve to tell her the real reason. Tuesday was the day of my doctors appointment.

Wed: my nephew has to go back to the hospital because he has a blood clot and is peeing blood (he is fine) i hear that i need to go see a hematologist and then an oncologist. the doctor calls me at work of all places so i am a basket case.

Thursday: nothing to drastic happened on thursday-- oh wait i lied my brothers car gets broken into (may i remind you that it has nothing to do with my sisters car cause we live in seperate neighborhoods) his brand new football jersey gets stolen...

Friday: i was at work all day and had 2 restraints-- it was nuts.

Sat: my brother and i wake up to go to wave pool and meet the rest of the fam who were already camping there--- and we find that his car and our garage has been egged (WTF?!?!?) our neighbor cleaned it up for us since we have to run-- nice lady! while on our way to the wave pool we see dad gets pulled over-- luckily no ticket just a warning--i lauged.

Sun: i wake up at seven thirty to get ready for church only to fine out that it was stake conference--- boy i was mad so i went home to go back to bed...

today is a new day-- hopefully will be good- i am going for retail and getting my nails done therapy-- yay.

my hematologist appointment is next monday and i am trying my hardest not to have a heart attack over it--- wish me luck.

i have gotten rid of 4 or 5 boys this week because they are all after one thing and i am irritated and annoyed...so i have narrowed down the boys to 2 instead of 7-- man abeing a player is hard work..

well that sums it up for now-- i might add more a little later today--

have fun and keep smiling

-les

yadda yadda yadda

2008-08-14T14:21:00.002-06:00

okay this is to those of you who point out to me daily that i haven't posted in over a month....

so last time i mentioned that life was coming at me fast and man did i ever put my foot in my mouth. July went i don't know where but i seriously don't think we had it this year cause its already AUGUST?!?!?!? STOP IT!

I tried out for American Idol-- had the time of my life i will have to post some pictures, oddly i didn't get any of me there which to some of you may come as surprise since i love taking pictures of myself! LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!!! I didn't make it to see simon paula and randy but i did get to sing part of a second song, waited in line for almost 11 hours (actually we were sitting in seats) to sing for a total of 45 seconds, but had the time of my life. we sat by the coolest bunch of people and laughed all day long. look for the cross dresser on the auditions it was funny hes an idiot.

My youngest sister was baptized on the 2nd of August. It was awesome to see her go and do that, it made me think of my baptism day and how much i need to ship shape it up--- she wore the same dress the chelsey (my other sister) and I wore when we were baptized, my mom made it for me so it goes to show that she is an awesome seamstress.

Max is starting his senior year and he is so excited. he has grown up so much and is pinned to be an all start athlete if he just isn't so dang lazy--- he is good and sometimes lets that get him by instead of showing how good he is.

My dad is now the global director of the drilling company he works for so more traveling- he worked hard for his job and i am proud of him, i just worry that he lets the money thing go to his head.

I survived camping. only because we stayed at a place with flush toilets and a shower (my kind of camping). It was neat we went and saw the place of the crandall canyon mine disaster and i of course cried like a baby. SAD TIMES! its only because i worked in a mine so its some kind of secret brother hood we all have. we also went to a wave pool in price, actually we are going back there this weekend but i will driving down on saturday and coming back saturday night because they are camping the weekend in a place with no shower!!! YUCK!!!

Okay on the not so fun stuff -- i had blood work done this past week and my doctor calls me while i am at work to inform me that my blood cell counts are all sorts of out of control and that my iron levels are still low so he is reccommending me to a hemotologist and an oncologist. JUST GREAT. so meanwhile i am supposed to pull it together to help out the kids i work with so they don't know that there is anything wrong, i am freaking out- trying not to think the worst or cry my eye balls out. but really i am okay with whatever happens because i know i can handle it.. although i did have a good talk with the man upstairs last night and informed him that he has my attention. :) i am scared, mad, upset, nervous, worried, and a lot of other emotions. Well today is a new day so i need to get to work... doctor just called have an appointment on the 25th of august!!!! oye wish me luck

i will blog more often(yeah right)

-leslie

July? time needs to stop and let me catch up

2008-07-06T16:36:00.002-06:00

in the last few weeks i have had soooo much to do that i seriously don't know how i got through them with alcohol or drugs! :)

I have applied for a few jobs with in my company and have had some interviews and they both fell through, am i upset? no! just disappointed. oh well life goes on. i like the job that i have, okay that is an understatement. i am obsessed and borderline in love with my job.

my parents went out of town for the fourth of july and i was here to man down the house by myself. an easy task you say!?! HAHAHAHAHAHHA NOT! this place is the Buckingham palace of west jordan! its massive! and to keep it clean by oneself is an endless task, so once it was clean i didn't do anything, i didn't eat or even get out a cup of water. it was crazy! they are coming home soon and i can't wait cause i am starving :) other then that i worked the whole week. yesterday was an interesting day at work, just the last little part of it. This guy that we have been talking off and on was texting me and made me feel really stupid-- well my co worker and friend was all sorts of upset because we spend a lot of time talking and he pointed out some good things to me. so needless to say he told me to tell this boy off. well later that night i was out with jenny and we were eating dinner when this boy texted me, well i thought about what "S" said to me and i told jenny about it. she agreed that i needed to tell him off, so i did. i was so scared, i didn't want him to hate me but then i realized that he only treats me like crap and that i deserved better than that, so for the second time in my life i stuck for myself. i was proud of myself and after that enjoyed the night, except when the cute waiter came over and offered me to taste their lamb! SICK!!! i hated it, i wanted to puke!

today is my sisters 8th birthday! yay! i am so excited for her! i can hardly wait! why am i excited for her, cause for the second year in a row i bought her the coolest gift. last year it was an Mp3 player and this year i got her a digital camera! i want her to open it.

Next week i am going camping! i don't really like camping but i know my mom wants me to go help out since she is taking th kids and grandma! oh dear! besides it beats staying here and cleaning the palace!

that about sums things up here. i am still losing weight, slowly now, but need to give up soda! hahah right thats a joke!

oh yeah and jenny is making me try out for american idol. (july 29) so look for me on the worst tryouts of season 8. :)

i am off.

talk soon.

-leslie

Another Year?

2008-06-11T14:13:00.002-06:00

Really? really, tis my birthday sometime this month and let me tell you i am not happy that it is coming around! i don't want to be an official menace to society. whoever said that should have thought about people's feelings. SERIOUSLY!?!

you know being single doesn't really bother me as much as everyone else constantly reminding me that i am single, its like i don't wake up ever day and say oh my gosh i am 26 and single! what happened? no i am painfully aware of this every waking moment of my life. Now don't get me wrong there are tons of parts of my life that i absolutely enjoy, i don't have to answer to anyone, i get to come and go as i please, no kids (unless you count the little monsters i deal with at work). but i like the thought of having someone to cuddle up to and go places with, but now a days it seems like it comes at a cost that i am just not willing to pay... anymore. you know there was a time not too long ago that yes i made some mistakes, mistakes that were huge but i can't take them back, but really every guy that i talk to or go out with is only after one thing and let me tell you what it pisses me off faster than anything ever has before. so please if you are a guy who is single refer to one of my earlier posts this year and pull your heads out because there are good girls out there you just have to be patient and supportive of who she is and not only see her for your egotistical needs to be met.

i have started to lost weight, but not sure its the most healthy way of doing so--- no i don't have an eating disorder, but taking some pills and not eating unless i am hungry. doesn't sound all that dangerous but with this pill i am NEVER hungry. oh well popcorn and water isn't all that bad right?

oh yeah on a lighter note about the old b-day, my family, like most other families, have a tradition of going to out to eat at whatever restaraunt the bday person chooses, so for my 26th brithday i have decided to go to a sophisticated place, one of the most elegant places around, full of lights and entertainment... yup you guess it Chuck E. Cheese! :) i know i am a nerd huh

so there is a situation at work about some stupid co worker who said some derogatory things towards me and the kids i work with ( i happen to work with the juvenile male sex offender group) and believe i am the only that is allowed to make fun of them, but i don't make fun of them they way this person did. I love the kids i work with and won't stand to hear other staff put them down for the crimes they committed. so naturally i let the authorities take care of it and as far as upper management and human resources i couldn't be more happy but its the smaller authorities that gets me upset--- grr i wish i could give details but i can't. just know that i am very very very upset at the politics at work and somedays think i would be better off if i found another job. the boys i work with have enough problems but they don't need that from staff.

i will write more later i have a meeting to go to soon.... i am fine no need to feel bad.

-leslie

and number 10 is....

2008-05-14T00:18:00.000-06:00

10. I am a game show FREAK!!! i love the gameshow network! No whammies No whammies! oh man just talking about it makes me happy.

So a TON of things have happened since the last time i really blogged, not yesterday. A great friend of mine and I went our seprate ways, but you know we hung out on saturday and it was just like old times. I love that girl! Its amazing that we can not hang out for so long and then viola, its like nothing ever changed.

I love working at the residential facility. As i predicted it didn't take too long before i was promoted to shift lead status. I love the kids that i work with, they are a lot of work and keep very very busy but man it has taught me sooo much, like patience and how to avoid drama.

I have gotten some teeth stuff taken care of and can't help but smile all the time... :) it was scary but i am glad that i did it!

As far as the boy situation, i am officially declaring single as of midnight tonight. before i would have said, waiting for him to figure out how awesome i am, but he is done trying to figure that out. i am not sure what else to say about that whole situation.... if you know of anyone send them my way... hahahaha

So, now i am back at this whole "dating" thing. I am an outcast, i am quickly approaching my 26th birthday and man i am so depressed, 90% of my friends are married and have two or three kids... excuse me did someone not tell me the train was leaving. something has changed with in myself. I used to be the hit of the show, have a no care attitude about what people thought of me and now my parents have to almost literally drag me out of my room, i literally have enormous panic attacks to even think that i would be going out into public and not to mention knowng that people were going to stare at me! what is heck is up with that?!?!? i have never been like that. it is scaring me to death. Any suggestions?

i am starting again an excercise program, my trainer abadoned me over a year ago to go play for the farm leagues. i am still bitter about that jason! seriously i was beginning to like working out.. but NO i have to do it on my own! so anyways, today is day two, i have cut my portions in half and have started sit ups and other work outs. The only problem i have is sometimes i feel so discouraged because i have so much to lose, HELP!! any suggestions?

Well i suppose that will wrap this up. talk to you soon!

p.s. i have anxiety for my friend jen and for american idol results!!! AHHHHHH

-les

Ten Tags

2008-05-13T00:04:00.002-06:00

So Jenny tagged me...i guess i am supposed to reveal 10 things that are semi secret, hope this doesn't come to bite me in the bum!

here it goes,

1. I am addicted to my reflection-- how does that work you ask? well, i can't walk past a mirror without stopping to stare at myself. and it isn't just a stare, i pose different faces, and even wave at my reflection, perhaps this is a weird psychological cry for help! p.s there WAS a spot in my parents where i can see my reflection in 5 different spots perhaps thats why they got rid of the glass table.

2. I eat in layers- i can't eat a subway sandwich like a sandwich i eat the top bread followed fixins' and so forth, same with burritos, and most of the food i eat.

3. When trying new food, i smell it and quickly lick it, just ask jenny i hate trying new food and so if it smells funny and tastes funny at the first lick--NO WAY.

4. I sleep upside down- yes that is right, my head is where my feet should be and my feet are where my head should be, its the only way i found i can sleep without waking up with a headache. (am i crazy)

5. I order the same thing-- no matter how many times i may go to a place i stare at the menu for a million years and i almost ALWAYS get the same thing.

6. i like my dear friend doty, have to do things in order. The shower, i always do things in order, first i stand there in the water for about 5 minutes, then i soap up, shave, rinse, shampoo, and conditioner in the order, if i mess up, i start over--- ahhh!

7. I am obsessed with CSI: Las Vegas. I own all the seasons. (thanks doty) and have watched all of them over and over and over. LOVE IT

8. I can carry entire conversations using nothing but movie quotes! Amazing i know. but its true.

9. I have feelings too- i know its a weird thing to say but lately the male gender fails to realize this.. so if you are reading this---- I stick my tongue out at you.

10. hmmmm i dunno--- feel free to comment here-

Well now that that is over with, i leave you to do the same!

i will write more eventually i promise not to go another 4 months or so without blogging.

2008-01-25T21:58:00.000-07:00

so this week has been absolutely crazy, not necessarily a bad week, but a crazy one.

My job is down sizing to save money on the corporate end and quite frankly its stupid how that all works, i mean honestly i poor my heart and soul into my job sometimes working ridiculous hours, and i know that others work just as hard if not harder at their own jobs, but man its taking its toll... so yeah i have to make the transition from my day treatment to a residential facility, which i don't believe as much in their program as i do the day treatment. i am scared shitless because i won't be the head staff anymore. Now granted it never takes me too long to get in some kind of management position (i know it sounds cocky, but its totally true!) the nice thing about it is that it is only about 6 minutes from my house again, gotta look at the bright side right.

So i am having some surgical work done---yay for me, hopefully it will eliminate and reverse some of the stupid choices that i made in the past. but i am scared about that too, anytime i have to have an i v, yeah scared!!!

my best friend and i haven't talked the last couple days (well mostly because i haven't had my phone) but it hurts. most of it hurts because i feel like i have lost her over boys--- and we have been through this a thousand times. i can't say much more because there is just something about emails, texts, blogs, blah blah blah that makes people think that you are yelling or bitching or something when really you are just talking. i won't go back to him by the way----

my parents are struggling at their own marriage and that makes things tough too watch. they have been married for 27 years and it seems like with each passing year they grow farther and farther apart, they have been through a lot together-- and my dad doesn't know i know half stuff that i do, but my biggest fear is that they won't be together much longer, my dad is always looking to better his income, his job, his status and its almost like he doesn't care if it doesn't better the family that its making us all crazy that he does it, and then there is my mom, love her to death but she needs to stick up for herself.

crazy crazy crazy,

they just got home from a wrestling meet so i will write more later....

peace!

-leslie

2008-01-21T20:46:00.000-07:00

Have you ever just wondered why the hell you even try? no seriously, everyone and their dog tells you to do things that make you happy, but seriously that is not really what they mean. What it really means is you better make all the right choices or else there are going to be a thousand people that will hate your guts if you make the wrong decisions. How dare someone say "do what makes you happy" thats a chicken shit way of saying "HAHAHAHAHAHAH YOU ARE STUPID!!!!" anyways....

if you want to make deals, then keep your end of the bargin... it just doesn't make sense to me that someone would yell and scream at your for something you did but they can go out and do something just as equally if not more stupid than the decision you made, grrr....

my phone got turned off today and i can't say that i am sad or mad about it, perhaps it will give me a break from the drama of the world... seriously people... i am tired of being told i am a liar, stupid decision maker, drama queen--- yeah i have a lot going on in the next few weeks, but dammit i am entitled to be a little STRESSEDD!!!!!!!!!

2008-01-11T22:48:00.000-07:00

so my previous post was written when i was pissed!!! do i regret saying the things i did? no, however my heart is broken because the same things happens over and over again. I need to go to "communicate with people better school" I am the type of person that thinks that if i don't say "HEY YOU F'ING MORON!!! I HATE YOU LEAVE ME ALONE" then i automatically assume that everyone knows that things are okay. oh well i suppose sometimes i will learn but i still stand by my letter to the men in the world!!!

;)

i am being punished...

2008-01-09T19:36:00.000-07:00

and quite frankly i am pissed off about it....

so i recently i just back together with an ex, i really tried hard to be a better girlfriend this time around. i went against the odds of my family and friends telling me not to get back with him. Everything was fine, we spent the new year together. i went there just yesterday and i thought everything was grand, BOY WAS I STUPID AND NAIVE. On our way out to grab something to eat i started to go numb in my legs, and it started to freak him out, (its a normal thing for me so i don't think its a big deal) but he said it freaked him out, we went upstairs to leave and he dropped the line "can i be honest with you" and i panicked, i expected to hear something like i cheated on you and you are dumb enough to feed into the whole thing. however, he stated that we moved back into the relationship thingy way too fast and he felt that he wasn't good enough for me because i worked hard to be where i am. meaning because i have a degree and a job and am financially sound (bunch a bull shit) so i left. totally distraught and feeling like it was something i had done wrong. He assured me that it wasn't me but it was him feeling that he was dragging me down.
i went to work today and could do nothing but think of everything and how stupid it all was, i wanted answers dammit, i at least deserved that, soooo naturally on my way home from work i call him and ask him what happened or what i did wrong this time. He said that he wanted to be the one to be on top and be the contributing factor to all the finances and yadda yadda yadda. I then let him have it, and my side of the conversation was as follows "I am being punished because i am older!!! had i met you two years ago, i wouldn't have had my degree and everything would have been different, i know that for a fact! its your insecurities that keep "us" from happening becauase you like most guys want some stupid ditzy blonde wife that sits on your arm, waves to people, and bares children, instead of someone who is intelligent and willing to make something of herself. You are right, i have worked hard to be where i am and i still struggle, i live in a room in my parents house for hells sake, so yes i am smart and i am intelligent and i am pretty, and i deserve someone who isn't insecure and can be man enough to let ME be smart and funny."
so tell me was i wrong in saying all that? my mom told me last night that i shouldn't tell people i have a degree because it intimidates people and i had to hold my tongue to not say "why the hell should i be ashamed of who i am?" its not like i go around shoving the fact that i have a degree in everyones face, (i am not like my relatives significant others) if they ask, yes i am proud to tell them, but however i guess i am supposed to say "nope, no degree, no education, no mind of my own, as a matter of fact i will only do what you ask, please insert a quarter in my ass so that i can function properly and stroke your ego and make you feel like the man!"
oooooh i am so mad,
to whom it may concern meaning all the guys in the world:

When you have the balls to tell yourself that it is okay for a woman to be smart and funny and fairly attractive instead of stupid and drop dead gorgeous, then you can talk to me, otherwise leave your insecurities far far away from me. I am done trying to change the person i am, i want to be able to help my children with their homework and not have to wait for the big bad man to come home and rescue a damsel in distress, i will never make you feel in adequate, i will let you open the door and i won't outshine you in front of your boss, i won't tell your family that i can kick you butt at jeopardy, and i won't tell your co workers that i got my degree before you, but seriously, get a life and accept me for the smart, damn straight up funny, and attractive girl.!!!!!

Thank you,
Leslie

2008? ugh!!

2008-01-02T23:10:00.000-07:00

Well cyberland!! happy new year, although not quite sure i want to face 2008. As the clock struck twelve that night, i was happy, surrounded by people that love me, but i couldn't help but think of the year i left behind and the year to come... quite frankly it makes me sad.... i turned 25 last summer when i had to move home, i loved living on my own, it was fun and free, but couldn't pay ALL ten billion bills between my roommate and i we had a bazillion dollars in doctor visits... sucks to be sick. i switched to a new job last January, and moved quickly to lead supervisor and had to be in charge of the show, (don't get me wrong i love to be in charge), however lost most of my staff due to their own stupid assess. i have had many relationships this past year and have made some bold yet non regrettable moves, i have dated old guys and some young Jewish ones. i have paid off some bills and started new ones, i have over come some fears but gained a whole new set.... do i look forward to this coming year? NO i am a nervous basket case who is emotionally unstable and can snap any time, so those of who read this and know me, i don't mean to bite your heads off, but seriously i have toooooooo much on my plate most of the time. i am tired but will write more later... i like this blogging...

-leslie

i am sure i am living a nervous breakdown

2007-12-20T21:12:00.001-07:00

these past three weeks have been nothing but one blow after the other. I have been so confused with life that i don't know what to do with myself. I have learned a lot about who i am and what limits i can take. i have cried more at work this week then i have the whole year i have been there. luckily i work where there are therapists on call all the time and a doctor is there once a week. soooo i have been able to get the help as far as that is concerned at no cost to me. I have heard some news about the past and about friends who have said mean things about me-- yeah i know it happened 8 years ago, but man that was tough to hear, you never know someone really and i suppose that is what is so frustrating, i want to be able to just let people know how i feel and vice versa and not hear how much people didn't like me and who slept with who-- i just don't get it, i have battled a self esteem issue pretty much my whole life and for some reason i thought i was doing better with it all but with a recent break up and the holidays and stresses from work and the mysterious ghost from my past making a bitter sweet appearance in my life (thank you and i love you) i over looked that i still STRONGLY dislike ME. I work all day long with kids who are troubled and need constant structure and yet i can't help myself. Part of it came when my boss told me that i was authoritative, right and thats okay but in front of the clients? honestly i was crushed and it made seriously question whether or not i was meant for the job, i have gone almost an entire year without falling apart and so i suppose i should give myself credit where it is deserved because that is pretty good considering the field i work in. Luckily i have really good staff now people who support me and help me... so that is good. needless to say i am looking forward to the christmas break. i think little kids are hilarious, the other night we went to a wrestling meet for my brother max (16) in orem. He won by the way,.. GOOD JOB KID! anyways so my family and i went to taco bell, where of course my littlest brother rowdy (4) had to use the restroom. my dad took him there and then when he came out he announced the world that he peed through his flap in his underwear, and wanted to show mommy and leslie, pulled down his pants and luckily mom stopped him before the whole world has a demonstration. He then asked my sister (7) if she had underwear on and to go pee through the flap, my sister said i don't have a flap and rowdy proceeded to tell her that she wasn't special.. oh man that was sooo funny---- kids say the darndest things. I am excited for christmas although i still have one gift to get and i don't have the slightest idea what the hell i am going to get so if this person is reading this then tell me what to get you!!!!!

jumblish mess

2007-12-08T23:30:00.000-07:00

so i was sitting here the other day just stark raving mad because my dad can be so rude sometimes. Its not that i hate him i hate what he does. He thinks that if he isn't in control or if it wasn't his idea or if someone else is even remotely smarter than he is he freaks out and has a giant cow. i am tired of it... he yelled at me the other day because he was showing my mom how to do something on the computer and was making it 100 more times harder than it should've been and so when i suggested doing it another way of course i was stupid and he made no hesitations to make me feel that way.GRRR!!!!
Anyways-- so we had our company Christmas party on friday. It was so much fun-- We were supposed to bring a date, but since the boy i am interested in doesn't live in this town it was difficult to bring him so i took my mom and had the time of my life. Since we work with troubled teens of course everyone is a little off the rocker so we all portrayed that at the party. WE had a snowball fight in the gym which involved throwing marshmallows at each other.. oh man it was so fun all these adults running around being totally ridiculous.. i clocked our clinical director in the face.. it was awesome. Then mom and i won name that tune!! it was really really really fun!!! i have recenlty been in contact with a ghost from the past... it is an awesome expierence-- one that i should write about later.
as the new year keeps getting closer and closer i have no idea what i am doing in life. seriously i am 25 years old. and have very little to show for it. all i know is that i am grateful for what i have and things that i have done so far. i will write more soon--- lots of emotions today.

church= nervous breakdown

2007-12-02T20:31:00.000-07:00

okay i think i fixed my space bar problem.

i went to church today, and let me tell you how hectic things were. First of all i don't feel good i have this crap going around and its sucks. anyways, there was this little boy in primary that was visiting and he was scared to death, he was absolutely out of his mind, he was crying and saying he wanted "tia" well i waited for someone who is in charge to take him out to find his aunt and low and behold no one did, big shocker there huh. well i went over to him and he started speaking spanish at nine hundred miles and hour, i know spanish but really at nine hundred miles? goodness sakes... i desperately tried to find his aunt and no one would help me but my mom came to the rescue and yelled at the people in relief society to help and we finally found is Aunt Iana. i was crying because i didn't know what to do. it was crazy. then in primary where they are only supposed to sing religious songs out the children's song book and what do they sing--- rudoulph the f'ing NOSE REINDEER!!!!!! SERIOUSLY???? IN CHURCH?????? MY HELL PEOPLE... WE ARE TRYING TO TEACH THESE LITTLE KIDS ABOUT CHRIST AND THE REAL MEANING OF CHRISTMAS AND YOU TALK ABOUT A DAMN FAKE REINDEER WHO IS A FREAK OF NATURE CAUSE HE DOESN'T EVEN FIT IT AND THEY ALL LAUGH AT HIM.......GRRRRRRRR

need less to say i am not going back.......

spacebarmalfunction

2007-12-02T20:30:00.001-07:00

myspacebardoesn'twork butonly whenitwantstoand itsseriouslyhardto type when it hasamind of itsown....

hello out there

2007-12-01T21:15:00.000-07:00

i sit here in my nice cozy clean room that i spent countless hours cleaning and rearranging furniture, only to find out that my bed wouldn't fit the way i wanted it to and still be able to open the door. so i moved it back but hey my room is clean!!! (i should post pictures).

Tis the season to be jolly--- whoever concocted this phrase should be tortured. When it snows it makes people instantly stupid behind the wheel... i am fine with driving in winter, i learned to drive in wyoming where there is 11.5 months of snow and the other.5 month is windy as all hell... but seriously people if you can't drive then don't--- if you crash, well gives you an excuse to use the insurance you are paying (much to hight prices) for. plus i get sick EVERY december--- without fail.

i have been at my job for almost a year---- i can hardly believe it... OYE. i love my job but i am afraid its taking its toll... i hope and pray that i will reach these kids and lately i feel like they aren't learning anything i teach them.... is it too much to ask them to listen and apply things,... OYE

well i will write more later....
looking forward to hearing from you out there in cyber land

-leslie